


Collisions in the Dark

by LittleDarlingXOX



Category: Batman (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lots of Angst, M/M, Moral Dilemmas, Multi, Older Man/Younger Man, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Protective Jason, Road Trips, Sexual Tension, Strong Female Characters, Undercover Missions, Unresolved Emotional Tension, cameo appearances from other dc comic characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-27 07:51:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 71,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5040124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleDarlingXOX/pseuds/LittleDarlingXOX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A biological weapon is set to explode but only Ra’s al Ghul knows the location. Working together undercover as a part of the league of shadows it is Tim and Jason's job to find out the location of the weapon and stop the threat with the help of the rest of the Batfamily. Along the way though, Tim and Jason’s revealing feelings for each other might put the whole mission in jeopardy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_“He didn’t expect to be handed over, to be delivered. To be tricked into his own face. Anyone can paint a mask. It’s boring. And everyone secretly wants to collaborate with the enemy, to construct a truer version of the self.” —_ ”Portrait of Fryderyk in Shining Light”,  Richard Siken.

 

_2 Hours Ago..._

Red Robin sat in the passenger seat of the Batmobile as it roared through the dark, wet, streets of Gotham City. Tim stared down at his hands in the dim light of the console. Red. They were covered in red. The blood was already drying into crusty flakes underneath his fingernails. His body armor was slick to the touch with it. The rain had washed off some of the damage as Bruce had dragged him away from the dead man’s body and into the car. Bruce… no, _Batman_... hadn’t said a word and Tim breathed in and out slowly, afraid of what was to come next when they reached the Batcave.

There was no going back after this, he knew that. He had made his choice back in that alley and whatever happened now, Tim would be on his own.

The Batmobile jerked to a stop inside the cave. Tim blinked. He hadn’t even realized that they’d left the city, but somehow they’d made it all the way back to the manor while Tim was lost in his own thoughts. Batman sat still for a moment, his hands still gripping the wheel. Through the darkly tinted windows, Tim could just make out Alfred standing in wait for them with a tray of tea and bandages like he always did after patrol, because the chances of them coming back uninjured were always 50/50. Tonight would not be a normal night of stitching up wounds in the cave, however.

Batman hit the button that lifted the Batmobile’s doors open and without looking at him said, “Take a shower then meet me at the computer. We’ll talk then.”

He stepped out of the Batmobile and walked towards Alfred, shedding his gauntlets along the way in a jerky motion that betrayed his cool demeanor.  

Tim slipped out of his seat and started towards the showers.

“Master Timothy,” Alfred said, startled. “You’re bleeding—”

“It’s not his blood.” Bruce interjected, his voice uncharacteristically harsh.

Alfred flinched back visibly.

Tim stopped short, his hand grasping the divider that separated the showers from the rest of the cave. He looked back at Bruce who was now seated at the computer with his back turned to him. Tim wanted to say something to him. He wanted to be reassured after a hard night of crime fighting like Bruce always used do in the past when Tim was Robin. It wasn’t just a physical distance that separated them now, an emotional tether had been snipped, perhaps purposely. His old mentor did not turn around to meet his eyes. Tim continued into the stalls.

He stripped off his uniform piece by piece. Jason’s gun and holster were placed next to that. The blood had seeped through the parts that were not enforced with kevlar armor and the smell of copper invaded his senses. He had to scrub a bit until he could get it all off and when he did the water that swirled into the drain was stained russett. Tim stayed under the hot spray of water longer than necessary, but he needed time to collect himself for what was about to come.

When he emerged from the showers dressed in loose sweats, Alfred was nowhere to be seen. The only sounds were the fluttering of bat wings and the dripping of water onto rocks. Normal sounds in the cave they inhabited that had never seems so loud until now. Bruce had shed the rest of his uniform and now turned to face Tim. His facial expression was hard and blank, not an encouraging sight to Tim.

“I want to know why you did it.” Stated Bruce, his thick arms crossing.

Tim sighed.

“What is there to say… he was a horrible man. A lying, murdering, abusive, criminal—”

“ _Why,_ Robin!”

Tim would not let the shout… that name... have its usual call to attention.   

“I’m not your Robin,” Tim reminded him. “Dick made sure of that. Now you’ve got your true son.”

Bruce stared hard at him, waiting patiently.

“You want to know why?” asked Tim. “How many criminals do we put away every night on patrol? I’m sure it’s a lot more than the Gotham City police do. But how many get out and do the same thing again? That man… that _disgusting_ man… we put him away for drug rings, then arms smuggling, then human trafficking, and now an underground sex trade with _children_. It makes me sick, Bruce. We put him away time and time again, but it always gets worse. And when I found him again tonight I just couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe Jason is right… maybe the only way to stop some of them is to stop them for good.”

“I have one rule, Tim. We don’t kill. You know this.” said Bruce.

Tim gave a sardonic laugh. “You have a lot more rules than that, Bruce. You just never say any of them out loud. You expect so much out of all of us that sometimes I think you forget that we’re human. We all make mistakes.”

“Perhaps I do,” Bruce nodded. “Tell me this was a mistake, then, that it’ll never happen again. Tell me that and I’ll think about letting you keep patrolling.”

 _Oh, how that got under Tim’s skin._ That self imposed authority that Bruce thought he had over everyone. The fact that he thought he had any say if Tim patrolled the streets of Gotham. When, in fact, it had only been thanks to Tim that he was back from the “dead” to begin with.

“I don’t, not in the slightest. You can cut off my resources, but you can’t take away my uniform and stop me from patrolling. I’m not your Robin anymore, Bruce. I make my own decisions now.”

Bruce’s grimace intensified. Only the slightest of indications to his true feelings. “If you patrol outside of this family then you’ll be treated as a threat, a criminal. Like Jason.”

 _Like Jason_. Tim almost wanted to laugh. Jason… the man who would forever be used as the example of what not to do, what not to become. When in fact he just showed a person who didn’t follow Batman’s ethics to the letter. A man with a conscience of his own. It sounded like something that Tim might like for his future.

“I know that. If Jason can do it then so can I.” Tim shrugged. “Maybe I’ll even join him. He was looking for a partner once.”

Tim knew it was too touchy a subject for Bruce. That he should have spoken with more caution, but what did it matter when Bruce was cutting him out of his life anyway.

“You have an hour to pack your bags and leave. I don’t want to see you in this household without an invitation again. Consider yourself cut off from here on out.”

Tim nodded, eyes flickering towards the computer console briefly before making his way up the stairs. He was packed and driving towards Jason’s apartment a half hour later. _Don’t look back_ , he chanted to himself as the manor faded into the distance in the rearview.

* * *

 

The phone rang twice before it was answered. And there was an even longer pause before the person on the other end of the line spoke.

“Detective. This is a surprise. What do I owe the honor?” Ra’s al Ghul’s accented voice was as smooth as ever.

“This is a courtesy call, Ra’s. Red Robin is no longer associated with me or the rest of my family.”

“Yes… I had heard something about that, but I was never one to believe rumors. I’m sad to hear that it’s true.”

“I highly doubt that. You were never one to waste an opportunity. You wanted Tim as an apprentice before and I’m letting you know that now is your chance. I won’t interfere this time.”

Ra’s laugh filtered through from the other end of the call. “Are you selling out your partner, Detective? How very unrighteous of you. What’s the catch?”

“Nothing. Tim has talents that need to be tested. I don’t want to see them wasted as someone’s sidekick. He’s staying at Jason’s place tonight and is thinking of taking up partnership with him. If I were you, I’d remove him from there before that happens and show him a better option.”

“And none of your other birds will try to stop me?” Ra’s purred.

“Your grandson could care less and Dick is far too loyal to disobey a direct order from me. No one else will know until it’s too late to make much difference. Jason will be your biggest problem since he has a personal interest in the matter. Best to take him as well if you want to avoid him attempting a rescue mission.”

“I have to say I’m highly suspicious here. This offer seems too good to be true. Well…  I could do without the Red Hood, but I suppose since Talia favors him he will be of some use pacifying her. Still… why should I trust you?”

“Like I said… Tim is too skilled to be someone’s sidekick. And Jason and Tim together would be a bad combination. I can’t afford to have them sowing discord between the rest of the family. Better that they are aligned with a more prominent foe so that the lines don’t seem as blurred in a fight.”

“I see. Well then, Batman. It has been very pleasurable doing business with you.”

Bruce hung up the phone without saying anything. He stared at the hidden audio transmitter on the computer console that Ra’s had somehow snuck into the cave forever ago when he wanted to keep an eye on each member of their family. Ra’s would no doubt be sending his league of assassins to Jason’s place tonight to kidnap the pair. Once Tim and Jason were at Ra’s compound the rest of the plan would be up to them. Bruce only prayed for their safe return.


	2. Chapter 1

_“Do you know how it ends? Do you feel lucky? Do you want to go home now? There’s a bottle of whiskey in the trunk of the Chevy and a dead man at our feet staring up at us like we’re something interesting. This is where the evening splits in half, Henry, love or death. Grab an end, pull hard, and make a wish.” — “_ _Wishbone_ _”,  Richard Siken,_

 

_8 Hours Ago…_

“I’m sorry you wanna repeat that?” Jason blinked, his face scrunched in annoyance like he thought someone was messing with him and he wasn’t in on the joke. Tim couldn’t blame him for that, he wished he was joking. Honestly, he was surprised Jason hadn’t shut the door in his face already.

He exhaled and tried again in as serious a tone as he could with Jason glowering at him.

“I need you to kill someone for me and help me stage the murder to look like I did it.”

Jason straightened up from where he was leaning against the door jam,with his arms crossed, and slid his foot away from the door. “Yeah, that’s what I thought you said. I’m calling Alfred to bring you home. Get some sleep, Replacement, come back when you’re thinking clearly.”

He moved into his apartment, swinging the door shut as he went. Tim lunged forward and caught his arm against the door before it closed. “No, Jason. Wait!”

He pushed inside to find Jason standing at the kitchen island, scrolling through the contacts on his phone. Jason’s eyes flickered up to him before returning to his screen.

“I don’t need to deal with any of your crazy, Replacement. I’ve got enough crazy of my own to spare. Honestly, shouldn’t Bruce be dealing with this?”

“Bruce already knows about this, that’s why I’m here. I need your help if our plan is going to work.” Tim replied.

Jason stopped what he was doing to look at Tim full on now. “I’m sorry… Bruce… _Batman_ , has decided on a plan that entails you murdering someone?”

“Technically you’d be doing the murdering—  which is nothing new,” commented Tim, “but yes, because we’re attempting to trick the smartest villain of all time and he won’t believe anything less.”

Tim watched Jason’s forehead crinkle and imagined the gears turning inside his head. He seemed to come to his conclusion and swallowed thickly, like the answer didn’t agree with him.

“Ra’s… You’re planning on tricking Ra’s?”

Tim nodded. “I need to get inside his compound, work undercover there to find the answers I need, and I’m going to need your help to do it. You don’t have to say yes, but you should know if you help me with this, you’re in it with me for the long run.”  

Jason stared hard at his hands, thinking it over for a long minute. When he refocused his gaze, he gave a half-shrug. “I didn’t have anything exciting planned for this week anyway. So, who do I have to kill?”

“Know of any scumbag that have it coming to them?” asked Tim.

Jason grinned in that devilish way that was usually only reserved for nights he patrolled in his domino mask as Red Hood. “Let me get my naughty list.”

* * *

 

The gunshot rang out in the alley later that night, drowning out the sound of pouring rain beating against asphalt for a split second. Tim forced himself to watch as the bullet tore into the criminal’s head, splattering brain matter onto the brick wall behind him. He was still staring when the man’s body fell from his kneeling position onto the ground and Jason pressed his still warm gun into Tim’s slack hand.

“Put it in the holster I gave you.” Jason instructed.

Tim repeated to himself the man’s past crimes— everything from drugs, to arms dealing, to human trafficking— hoping it would incite his rage and disgust again. This was supposed to be a crime of passion and Tim would need to make himself a lot bloodier if the scene was to look believable to any spying eyes.

“ _Tim_ ,” Jason snapped, drawing him out of his thoughts. “Put the gun away and help me shift the body.”

Tim slid the gun into the holster on his thigh and moved to help Jason who was crouched by the man’s shoulders. Tim stationed himself by the man’s feet. Up close he could see were part of the man’s skull was missing, blood clotting into his hair. The sight made Tim want to run away and be sick.

Jason slid his hands under the man’s shoulders. “Grab his feet, we need to turn him onto his back.”

With shaky hands, Tim grasped the feet of the dead body in front of him. They lifted the dead weight and turned, dropped the body back to the pavement with a unsettling flopping sound.

Jason stood and looked back down towards the mouth of the alley, checking to see if the coast was clear. “You’re turn, Replacement. Kneel over the body and aim for the face, the nose especially. It’ll get the most blood.”

Tim kneeled in the growing spread of blood that was creeping outwards in a halo around the dead body. He clenched his hands into fists, his heart hammering in his chest at the prospect of beating up a dead corpse. This wasn’t right, none of this was right, he wanted to say, but knew it had to be done. Sacrifice one man who Jason was planning on killing anyway to save who knows how many lives. He struck out as hard as he could, bruising the man’s cheek and opening up a cut. He put all of his anger and fear into his blows, continuing even when the man’s nose broke and sprayed blood across Tim’s face, continued until the man’s face was an unrecognizable mess and Jason’s strong hands were grasping his own to still him.

“Easy, that’s enough. That’s enough.” Jason’s words were gentle as he pulled Tim to his feet, like he was trying to calm a child. He pulled Tim until he could lean breathlessly again the brick wall.

Tim tried not to stare at his bloody hands as Jason put two fingers to his lips and whistled something that sounded like a bird call. Nothing happened at first, then out of the murky darkness, a boy appeared. He was thin and dirty with worn sneakers, and stared openly at the bloody corpse for a minute before turning to Jason. Tim realized he must be one of Jason’s information runner. Jason pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket and handed it to the boy.

“Spread the word that Red Robin killed a human trafficker in Crime Alley. Make it as graphic as possible. I want everyone to hear about this, you understand me?”

The boy nodded and dashed out into the darkness.

Jason turned back to Tim. “I’ll call it in to Bruce and see you back at my place tonight.”

Wearily, Tim nodded. And just like that Jason was climbing up a fire escape and disappearing into the night. Tim slid down the wall until he was sitting on the ground, his arms resting on top of his drawn up knees. He stared out at the mouth of the alley and waited for Batman to arrive.

* * *

 

_36 Hours Ago..._

Tim came into the cave to find Bruce and Dick standing side by side at the bat computer. Tim looked at the screen to see the newest report from the Justice League along with a video feed that Bruce had playing on repeat.

“When did you say this happened again?” Asked Dick, his hand stroking his brow thoughtfully.

“The video feed is timestamped for last night. The laboratory cameras seem to have been tampered with— see there they go black for awhile—  but when they come back on the disease samples are missing. Clark reports that the same thing happened in different labs across the country, perhaps even on different continents, but we have yet to be notified.”

“What’s going on?” Tim asked, approaching the screen for a closer look at the video feed.

“Someone’s stealing anthrax samples from the CDC laboratories across the country.” Dick replied, flashing Tim a welcoming grin that conflicted with the dire topic of conversation.

“How many samples have been taken so far? I mean, on what kind of scale are we talking in terms of crisis. Is this more of an evacuate the building or evacuate the city type of scenario?”

“Based on my calculations right now, it’s enough to build a small bomb, but the reports keep coming in. If this keeps up, it could be enough to infect a city the size of Shanghai.”

“So we’re most likely looking at bioterrorists.”Dick confirmed and moved to the  side of the computer to search through their database. The action seemed pointless to Tim. He already knew who it was.

He also knew about that person’s annoying habit of planting bugs in the cave. He put his finger to his lips with a knowing look towards the computer console and motioned Bruce and Dick away into the med bay. Hopefully their voices wouldn’t be picked up by any mics in here.

“If it’s a bioterrorist, there’s only one who would do it on this big a scale.” Stated Tim, crossing his arms. “Ra’s.”

“It is his M.O.” Bruce agreed, though he looked less than eager to go up against Ra’s al Ghul and his league of assassins again.

“If it is him, there won’t likely be any threat made to the Justice League or the media. His endgame is always the decreasement of the world population until only the strong are left to build the world anew. Any notification of a threat would cause mass migration out of cities around the world which would be counter effective. If there is a biological weapon threat from Ra’s, we won’t know about it until it happens.”

There was a moment of intense silence as the trio of superheroes tried to think of a solution.

“Alright, “ Dick started. “But Ra’s is a pretty arrogant guy… I mean if Damien is anything to go by. Maybe we can draw it out of him. Trash talk him on the media until he makes a threat. There’s a chance he’ll slip up… “

Bruce shook his head. “That won’t work. Ra’s is too smart for that. The most that will get you is a bunch of his assassins waiting for you when you get home to put a sword through your back.”

Tim had an idea, a horrible idea that was just guaranteed to work if they played it right.

“If we could get someone inside his compound and close enough to him, then we’d stand a chance of learning the location of the bomb.”

“Damian?” Dick asked automatically, concern spreading over his features. “I don’t think he’d be willing to go back there now.”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Bruce. “Ra’s won’t buy it anyway. Damian has outright told Ra’s whose side he’s on in the past. He’s done nothing to make Ra’s think otherwise—”

Tim shook his head.

“I’m not talking about Damian. Me, send me. The man trusted me enough to let the White Ghost take me to one of his compounds and remove my spleen. Why wouldn’t he trust me again?”

Dick held up a hand with a mocking smile. “Well that was before you single-handedly demolished his entire organization. That kind of thing can make someone vengeful.”

“Uh, I think he got his revenge. He tried to kill everyone I know and when that didn’t work, proceeded to kick me out a _window_. I’d say we’re square.”

Dick blinked, and stared hard at the ceiling for a minute like he was doing the math in his head. “God, in what kind of screwed up world does that actually makes sense? Our lives are so weird.”

If Tim was being honest with himself that wasn’t the real reason he got kicked out that window. It was the blatant rejection that had stung Ra’s the most, the realization that nothing he felt towards Tim would ever be reciprocated in kind.

“Once again, Ra’s isn’t going to buy it.” Interrupted Bruce, forever the voice of pessimism. “What motive would you have to change sides?”

“Easy,” responded Tim. “Make it my only option. I break the most sacred rule you have and you’ll have no choice but to disown me.”

The silence was heavy for a minute as Bruce thought it over. He nodded his approval, if begrudgingly.

* * *

_Present Time…_

“God, I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life, but this is like asking to be chopped to pieces. How do we even know he’ll keep me alive?” Jason sat next to Tim on the worn leather couch in his apartment. His hands were steepled under his chin, resting on his bouncing knees.

“We don’t.” Tim cringed outwardly at the realization of his own words. Suddenly this didn’t seem like the best plan… though it never sounded like a walk in the park to begin with.

“Well at least I’ll go out in style.” He arched his eyebrows towards his hairline like he was considering the idea. “ Death by ninja home invasion. That’s not so bad.”

Tim snorted.

“It sounds like the action scene of a low budget movie they’d play on the SyFy channel.”

“Oh shut up, Babybird.” Jason sighed. The silence settled heavily between them for another moment. The only sounds were the nightlife of Gotham through Jason’s thin walls. Someone on the floor above them seemed to be getting lucky, if the continuous thumping and moaning was anything to go by, but the noises didn’t hold Tim’s attention long enough to take his mind off their present situation.

Finally, Jason seemed to gather the courage to broach the topic he’d been dancing around for the past twenty minutes. “You know in order for this to work you’re going to have get close to Ra’s and gain his trust, right?”

“That was the plan wasn’t it? I resist at first and then decide to join him. It’s more believable that way.” They were dancing right on the edge of the true topic and God it _would_ be Jason who was giving him this talk.

“Ra’s has always been weird when it came to you. It’s more than an interest… it’s an obsession of sorts. I just want you to understand...without Bruce to stop him, he’s not going to restrain himself—”

Tim pressed his fingers into his eyes, nausea creeping up the back of his throat at the thought of it. When he spoke, his tone was sharper than he’d meant it to be. “I know, Jason. I know his feelings for me and I’m consenting to it now before you get it into your head that you have to defend my honor or something like that.”

“I’m just saying that this wouldn’t be the first time Bruce has sacrificed someone else to get what he wants. If you’re uncomfortable with this, we can figure something else out. It doesn’t have to go down this path.”

Jason’s warm, rough hand covered his own where is rested on the couch. Tim looked over at Jason, suddenly so glad that he was going to be at his side throughout this whole mess. Well…  if everything went to plan.

Tim gave his hand the faintest of squeezes. “I can do this. I can.”

Jason smiled, though the worry on his face didn’t vanish completely. He squeezed back—  right before the power cut off. The two of them sat completely still in the dark knowing exactly what was going to happen now. Tim let a shuddering breath escape through his lips.

The windows blasted inwards, spraying glass across the floor and furniture. Jason’s hand was no longer on top on his own but pressing his head down towards his knees to dodge the worst of the shrapnel. Tim turned his head against Jason’s grip, eyes searching through the dark. In the faint light that seeped into the apartment, Tim could see the outlines of figures clad in black dropping onto the floor. Jason was torn away from him in the struggle that ensued after that, though Tim did not remember much of it. He punched instinctively towards where he thought an assassin’s head was and before he knew what was happening a needle was slipped into his arm and he was falling to the ground in a heap of numb limbs. Before he passed into unconsciousness, he caught a glimpse of Jason illuminated in the moonlight flooding in through a broken window, caught in a fight with two assassins. Tim could only hope that Jason would still be alive when he woke up again.


	3. Chapter 2

_ “You thought if you handed over your body he’d do something interesting.” — _ “ A Primer for the Small Weird Loves ”,  __ Richard Siken

 

Tim woke up slowly to the land of the living. His head was heavy and his thoughts muddled the way they were after waking up after undergoing general anesthesia. The thought alone was enough to cause him to panic and remember he’d been drugged, but it did not speed up the process. His eyes drooped closed again. The only thing he could do was lie there and allow the drugs to finish leaving his system. 

When he awoke a second time, his thoughts were clear and he took in the room he’d been placed in with focused eyes. The room was cast in shadows, the only light coming from the hanging lantern above the bed and a few scattered candles on the dresser and side tables. He sat up in bed, pushing himself back against the pillows decorated in reds, greens, and golds. The bedroom door was to the right, and a window across from it on the other wall. Both were unlocked, leaving him deeply suspicious, that is until he tried to slide off the bed and caught himself by his arm. He hadn’t noticed it until now, but his wrist was shackled to the headboard, the metal thick and heavy around his wrist.

“Yeah, I had a feeling you wouldn’t want me roaming around.” Tim muttered and gave his new ‘bracelet’ an irritated tug, before sitting himself down on the end of the mattress to wait for his host.

 The intricately carved door opened with a click ten minutes later as Ra’s stepped into the room. He whispered something to an ninja standing outside the door and closed it after him. The sounds of a key turning followed and Ra’s turned his attention towards Tim.

“Hello, Timothy. Did you sleep well?”

Tim glared. “That depends… how long was I asleep for?”

Ra’s slipped a pocket watch out of his pocket and examined it for a moment. “I’d say around 10 hours now, thanks to the sedative my man gave you. That’s probably more sleep than you’ve gotten this whole week.”

“Am I supposed to thank you?” Tim spat and the anger he felt wasn’t all for show. He knew Ra’s was always keeping an eye on him, but no matter how many times he moved and routinely searched his apartment for cameras, more seemed to show up. Along with vague voicemails from Ra’s suggesting that he take better care of his health, like it was any of his business to begin with.

“Now, now, Timothy. You should be nicer to me. After all we will be spending a lot of time together from here on out.”

“We’ll see about that once Bruce finds out I’m gone.” He said with mock confidence, already knowing what Ra’s’ answer would be.

Ra’s smile was positively predatory. “Oh contraire, Detective. Your mentor was the one who sold you out.”

“What are you talking about?” Tim’s eyes narrowed. Dick had done many undercover missions for the Bludhaven PD and he’d managed to ingrain everything he’d ever learned into Tim’s head in only 24 hours. Sometimes this was the hardest part… faking expressions that don’t exist when you already know all the punchlines the bad guys are going to make.

“He gave me a call after you left for Jason Todd’s apartment. It seems he now thinks you’re more trouble than you’re worth. I don’t disagree with him… I’ve always said your talents were wasted as a sidekick putting away two-bit criminals. You aren’t meant to be a soldier, Timothy. You were always a strategist, a general, at heart.”

“Like you?” Asked Tim. He could only hope his face displayed enough betrayal to be believable. 

Ra’s smiled. “Batman and I think very much alike. Are you beginning to see why he called me?”

Tim tried to cross his arms but the shackle wouldn’t allow his arm to cross all the way over. “Just because Bruce believes something doesn’t mean I share that belief. I think I’ve already shown that, which is why I was planning on joining with Jason. There  _ are _ different ways to clean up Gotham. Some just happen to be more permanent.”

Ra’s slipped forward and Tim resisted crawling backwards up the bed towards the headboard. “Yes, but remember that frustration you felt when you put one criminal away only to have another pop up in his place. Imagine if you could wipe out whole prisons, eradicate the disease at it’s source. Better yet, whole city blocks.” 

The idea made Tim want to be sick. Instead he asked. “And you have something that can do this? You’d be willing to show me?”

“For a price.” Ra’s stated, his expression cautiously neutral. Tim wouldn’t know if Ra’s was lying to him until it was too late. Tim just hoped that if that happened he and Jason could get out in time before they were in too deep.

Tim knew that now was the moment he’d been dreading. “What’s the price?”

“Your partnership at my side… in all thing. You’d share my resources and my bed. In return you get the justice you desire.”

Tim stared down at his hands. Ra’s hadn’t mentioned Jason yet, but he was sure he would have told him if Jason was dead. Jason always had the unfortunate luck of being used as an example. By Bruce, and perhaps now by Ra’s. 

“What do you say, Detective?”

Tim purposely kept his face turned away from Ra’s, instead picking up a book from the stack on the bedside table and leafing through it. “I need to think about it.”

There was a moment of intense silence and then the swish of material as Ra’s left the room, his cloak billowing after him. Tim had said he’d think about it, but he had made his decision before he’d even come here. Instead he worried about Jason, and his future, and what could go wrong with any number of slip ups. Attempting to combat these unkind thoughts with the stack of classic literature Ra’s had left for him. But Tim’s present situation was laughably similar to Jonathan Harker’s in the beginning of  _ Dracula _ — imprisoned in a castle with a creepy old man and his servants—  to continue reading any further. He tossed the book onto the end of the bed with a sigh and massaged his chained wrist.

It was the third day of his imprisonment when the door to his room opened and Jason was shoved inside without so much as a word. 

Tim pushed himself up in bed, wanting to get up and pull Jason into a hug in his relief to see him still alive but knew he couldn’t make the distance with his wrist still chained to the headboard. Jason took his time inspecting the room, circling around with a whistle.

“Well I can see who Ra’s’ favorite is. At least I can call my room what it is… a prison cell. Your’s is a bit harder to see at first glance.”

His eyes landed on Tim’s shackled wrist. “Ah, found it!”

“Jason,” Tim’s expression was pinched. “What are you doing here?”

Jason walked around the side of the bed and flopped down next to Tim, his back resting shoulder to shoulder with Tim’s against the headboard. “Talia stopped by my cell this morning and offered me a position working alongside her as the leader of the league’s strike team. Even offered to give me the comfort of a woman if I should get lonely.”

Tim quirked an eyebrow. “You going to take her up on that offer?”

Jason swiped his white-streaked bangs out of his eyes. “The first one? Yeah, because I don’t fancy dying anytime soon and this is probably the only other option I have. The second offer though?  _ Hell no _ ! I might have slept with Talia once, but that was before I knew she spawned the demon brat. Trust me, Babybird. There’s no chance of that happening again no matter what stunts she pulls.”

“Good to know. I’m sure Damian will appreciate your self-restraint.”

Jason rolled his shoulders and huddled more into the mattress. “You know this isn’t just a social call, right? It seems I was very popular this morning. Ra’s sent me over here and told me to help you make up your mind. Apparently, he’s worried that my current imprisonment was stopping you from agreeing to his offer. He wanted me to make you understand how lenient he was being, or something like that.”

He looked at Tim. “So, I guess it’s decision time… we going through with this?” 

“Do we have a choice?” Asked Tim.

“We do, but depending on your answer, the next five minutes are going to either be really easy or really hard.” Jason’s eyes slide to the door and back. They both knew someone was listening in on their conversation. 

So, it was time then. Tim sucked in a breath and exhaled it.

“I’m in.” 

And like that, the door unlocked and swung inward. A ninja stepped across the doorframe and motioned for Jason to come with him. Jason stood up and placed his hand on Tim’s arm, giving it an almost imperceivable squeeze. 

“Time for me to go see my new digs. See you at dinner.”

And just like that Tim was alone with his thoughts again, hoping he didn’t regret the decision he just made. There was no turning back now. Only plunging head first into the unknown.

* * *

The shackle was removed an hour before dinner was to take place. At that same time a stack of clothes was placed on top of Tim’s bed. He fingered the silky material with apprehension and glanced sideways at the ninja who was trying to slink out of the room.

“What’s this?”

“The Demon’s Head stated you were to wear them for dinner.” He replied before leaving. 

Tim picked up the fabric at its edges and let it unfold in the air until it was hanging in front of him. It was a tunic shirt, black with gold embroidered cuffs, along with matching black pants, and a belt to tie it closed with. The silken fabric felt too much like sleepwear to be worn  for dinner, but glancing out at the mountainous landscape covered with snow— Tim guessed this was Ra’s compound in Tibet— and Ra’s was all about traditional. It made sense, the man was ancient. Tim slipped into the clothes and stuffed the ends of the tunic into his waistband with a grimace, and tied the belt snuggly. The fabric didn’t provide much warmth making Tim glad for the blazing fire in the hearth. 

Jason was already seated in the great room, dressed much the same as himself, when Tim was escorted in. Talia stood at the side bar pouring drinks and wearing a dress that left little to the imagination. Jason plucked disdainfully at the fabric of his shirt as Tim sat in the seat across the table from him. “Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels ridiculous in this. Ra’s has been around for how long now? He needs to get with the fashion of the times.”

“Your clothes are traditional to this country. If you notice all of our recruits wear them.” Talia placed a glass of wine down on the table in front of Jason and trailed her manicured nails up his shoulder and through the hair at the base of his neck. “You should not be so disrespectful.”

Jason sat rigid in his chair like someone was holding a knife to his throat. He twisted his head to the side, the smallest of motions to dislodged Talia’s fingers from his hair. 

“Sorry, my mistake.”

Talia smiled like the cat who caught the canary and strode around the table to sit at the end. Only then did Jason relax his posture. Tim sent him a questioning look. If anything Jason had to deal with the lesser of two evils. Talia had sent Damian to Bruce and brought Jason back from the dead with the Lazarus Pit. At least she could be reasoned with against her father if the matter was important enough. Tim doubted he would have any chance of changing Ra’s mind on even the smallest of matters.

_  Speak of the devil _ , Tim thought as the doors swung inwards and Ra’s strode into the room, taking his seat at the head of the table. The meal was served in silence and that silence progressed as they began eating. Talia and Jason would lapse into quiet conversations at their end of the table, laughing at an inside joke, every once and awhile. The origins of which Tim couldn’t begin to fathom. Ra’s meanwhile seemed to be trying to block Jason from his peripheral altogether. Occasionally directing conversation towards Tim who ignored him in the same way, just because he was feeling vindictive in Jason’s defense. He knew Ra’s would understand the message he was sending at some point— that Jason was important to him, so therefore Ra’s should make Jason important to him. Eventually, Ra’s sighed and turned towards Jason.

“Has Talia informed you about your mission?” 

Whatever side conversation Talia and Jason had been having dropped off instantaneously. Jason wiped his mouth with his napkin and placed it next to his plate. 

“She has. We leave with six other members late tonight.”

Tim looked from Jason then back at Ra’s, wondering when all of this had been discussed and why he hadn’t been told about it. “Tonight?”

Ra’s, for all of his self-proclaimed interest in him, ignored his question. “And the objective?”

“Talia and I will be splitting the strike team into two units. A team, headed by Talia, will retrieve the target, Thomas Stafford — well known microbiologist, from S.T.A.R. labs in Seattle. B Team, lead by myself, will infiltrate Stafford’s home and bring his wife and daughter back to base in case persuasive maneuvers are needed to gain Stafford’s assistance.”

Ra’s steeped his hands under his chin and smiled. “Very good.”

Jason spoke like he was writing up a report for Bruce of his last patrol. But Tim knew how to read through all of those technical words and the meaning was clear. If they couldn’t get Thomas Stafford to do what they asked of him, they would threaten, maybe even torture, his family until he complied. Jason had an amazing poker face but even Tim could see that grimace that threatened to overtake his features at any moment. Well, it was good to know that the thought disagreed with Jason just as much as it did with Tim. And Ra’s, if anything, was reveling in their discomfort.

Talia slid her chair back from the table, with a look at Jason. “We should start packing.”

Jason’s eyes slid over to meet Tim’s across the table.  _ No _ , Tim wanted to plead with him. It was too soon. Too soon to be left alone with a man that made his stomach twist inwards on itself. He needed Jason’s presence at base to serve as his buffer and Jason knew it as well. 

“Right,” Jason responded stiffly and scraped his chair back from the table. He seemed to want to say something to reassure Tim without arousing too much suspicion, his jaw stuttered between unbreathed words, finally settling on, “I’ll be back tomorrow morning.”

_ A lot of luck that will do me _ , Tim thought as the pair exited the room and the silence settled around him and Ra’s. He could feel Ra’s hungry gaze intensify against his profile, but something like a foolish hope arose within him. If he just didn’t look at him, didn’t respond, then perhaps nothing would happen after this moment. The rational part of his brain reminded him that though Ra’s was a predator of sorts, he was not the type who hunted by movement and Tim was not a rabbit that could avoid him by sitting still.

As if reading his thoughts, Ra’s smiled and stroked the knuckles of Tim’s hand where it rested next to his plate. “Let’s head back to our bedroom, Timothy. It’s getting late.”

He seemed to relish saying the words for the first time. They’d made an agreement. Tim knew this wasn’t a suggestion, but a command. He followed Ra’s down the dark, torch-lit, hallways until they reached a room Tim had not seen before. 

It was large and royal looking, fit for a king. The door was opened and Tim walked under its arch and into the dim room. It was lit much like his own had been with candles and a blazing fire against one wall. Tim moved to it immediately, hoping to pass off his shivers as if they were from the cold and not from fear. Indeed, the fire helped push away the cold mountain air, but it did nothing to brush away Ra’s lingering gaze from his back. 

With the heat from the fire enveloping him, Tim startled as a pair of hands planted themselves on his waist and pulled him back into a warm, solid chest.

“Are you cold, Detective?”

The question was breathed against the back of his ear before the press of lips and the tickle of facial hair moved to the back of his neck. Tim stood still, his arms hanging limply at his sides. This close he could smell the spiced wine on Ra’s breath from dinner. It was an exotic, heady, scent of cinnamon, cloves, and honey that made Tim want to lean back into Ra’s chest and inhale deeply. It was an urge Tim denied himself remembering who he was with.

“No,” he managed through suddenly dry lips. “I’m fine.”

“Good,” Ra’s hands were sliding across the silky fabric over his ribs, tugging hastily at the ties of Tim’s shirt. The ties came undone a moment later, exposing Tim’s torso to the heat of the fire. “Then you won’t need this.”

Ra’s hands abandoned his waist and returned on the top of his shoulders. His right hand slid down slowly, exposing one of Tim’s bare shoulders. The silky fabric urged on by gravity and Ra’s’ steadfast hands, continued to slid down, falling from Tim’s other shoulder, only stopped when it caught around Tim’s wrists. Tim twisted his fingers into the soft fabric, unwilling to let it fall to the ground yet. 

“Now, now, Detective.” Ra’s spoke like he was admonishing a child. His deft fingers pried the material from Tim’s grasp and let it fall to their feet on the cold stones. 

“That’s better.” Tim was turned so suddenly, he didn’t even think before he steadied himself against Ra’s chest and before he knew what was happening he was cradled in Ra’s embrace. The older man’s strong arms winding themselves around him, stroking his sides and dipping low,  _ lower _ into the loose fabric of his pants. Tim gasped, Ra’s lips only a kiss away from his own, that intoxicating scent intensifying as they breathed the same air. Tim was dizzy on it by the time their lips connected, a warm tongue slipping between his parted lips to mingle with his own.

Tim made a disgruntled noise, unsure of what to do. He tried to step backwards, but Ra’s only followed in his wake. Pushing against Ra’s’ shoulders only earned him a firm hand pressing at the base of his skull. Ra’s tongue was hot and unyielding, exploring Tim’s mouth without control or care for Tim’s comfort. Tim’s lungs raged and burned as they were slowly deprived of oxygen. Fearing he’d black out before he was released, Tim did the only thing he could think of. He clamped down, teeth sinking into the flesh of Ra’s tongue and was shoved away like he’d burned the other man. 

Tim’s back hit the mantelpiece and he cried out as pain streaked up and down his shoulderblades. Still, he managed to steady himself and focus back on Ra’s whose face was flushed with both anger and lust. Tim thought he must look much the same from Ra’s point of view. 

“I didn’t think I’d have to tell you not to bite.” Ra’s growled.

“I didn’t think you’d forget to let me breathe.” Retorted Tim, pushing himself off the mantelpiece. 

Ra’s smile was dark and predatory. He licked his lips. “Breathplay doesn’t arouse you, Beloved?” 

Tim’s lips curled back at the pet name. He wasn’t here to be toyed with. “ _ Don’t call me that _ .”

Ra’s smile widened and he stalked closer even as Tim backed away towards the windows. “You’ve no idea how long I’ve fantasized about this moment— of all the things I would do to you. How do you feel about bondage? Spanking? Sensory play?”

Tim shook his head, trying to calm his breathing but he wasn’t prepared for this. All of his courage and training seemed to abandon him at once. He knew he had no chance in a fight against Ra’s.  He was the rabbit again, trembling in the jaws of the wolf.

“No?” Ra’s purred. “I bet you’d look delicious all tied up and desperate. I’m certain I could make you beg… those lips would look so pretty crying out my name as I fucked you.”

Tim’s back hit the windows. His only options for escape now were jumping out the window into the cold night or making a dash across the room, over the bed, to the door— an option that would bring him too close to Ra’s for comfort. He tried it anyway, making it as far as the edge of the bed before Ra’s snatched his wrist and yanked him back into his hold, arms tightening around him like a boa constrictor. 

A mouth bit and licked at the skin of his neck, no doubt leaving marks. “My, my. So eager.”

Tim struggled as Ra’s maneuvered them towards the bed and on top of it. Panic crept up his throat, and he forgot his stupid pride in the wake of it, resorting to any means necessary now. Even if that meant he had to beg. 

“ _ Please _ … I’m not ready. Please, no.”

“Shh...” Ra’s cooed, prying Tim’s thighs apart and hoisting his leg’s up, positioning himself in between them as close as possible. Tim was left with his legs dangling uselessly above him, body folded in half. “Let me take care of that. You’ll be opened up for me in no time.”

Ra’s mouth laved at his chest, teeth and tongue teasing one of Tim’s nipples. He arched and squirmed, hands gripping Ra’s silver hair, tugging furiously to stop his ministrations. Ra’s gave a pained grunt and grasped Tim by the neck, pinning him down to the mattress with an ironclad grip. Tim’s fingers scratched at those strong fingers, vainly trying to break the hold.  Hands were tugging down his pants, exposing black briefs. 

His control was gone, fear choking Tim more than the hold Ra’s had on his throat. He prayed for Jason to burst into the room and drag him away, even though he knew there was no way that could happen. Tim should have known the Demon’s Head wouldn’t be merciful, not after Tim had destroyed all that was important to him. Not after he’d rejected him. Tonight was Ra’s revenge. It was meant to remind Tim about who was in control. The knowledge was enough to break him.

The panic that Tim had been holding at bay broke the dam inside of him.Tim sobbed openly, his hands falling limply at his sides. Whatever Ra’s did to him tonight, Tim knew that fighting him through it would only cause him more pain.

Suddenly, Ra’s stopped what he was doing with a content sigh. His thumb stroked Tim’s neck where he held it. Tim stared up at him, confused. “Very good, Beloved. I knew you’d submit willingly before I had to do anything unfortunate.”

Tim exhaled a shuddering breath.  _ Unfortunate? So he considered this alright? _

“What?” he croaked around the pressure on his windpipe.

Ra’s released Tim’s neck and sat back enough so that Tim could plant his feet on the mattress. Tim’s eyes flickered to the closed door, unsure if he should run or not yet. Ra’s absentmindedly rubbed his hands up and down Tim’s thighs. It was probably supposed to be reassuring, but all Tim wanted to do in his confusion was kick the other man in the face.

“I needed to see how committed you were to upholding the terms of our agreement, just like I’m going to see how dedicated Jason Todd is to supporting our cause.” 

Tim thought back to that night’s dinner. He’d wondered why Ra’s had assigned Jason on a mission so soon, thinking at first that Ra’s must be working within a limited window of time and needed all the help he could get, but now he realized it was a trial by fire of sorts. If Jason didn’t follow through they could dispose of him early on and somewhere out of Tim’s reach. He shuddered at the thought, hoping that Jason had come to this realization before Tim had, otherwise Tim doubted he would be seeing Jason again. 

“Of course I had expected someone as strong-willed as yourself to put up a fight in the beginning. But it’s pleasing to see how quickly you yielded your body to me. I daresay you even enjoyed my touch in the beginning, before your pride reared it’s naive head.”

Tim’s nostrils flared at the older man’s words, but he said nothing knowing it was true. Some part of him, the part of himself that he denied the most, had enjoyed the physical attention. Some part of him had wanted to give in, the only thing stopping him was knowing that the person offering was Ra’s. He was not the type of person Tim felt he could relinquish his control entirely to. Even when he was submitting to him, Tim reminded himself, it would be strategic and on his own terms. 

“Now,” Ra’s played with the elastic of Tim’s briefs, sliding his finger under the band to toy with the skin that lay there. “You were saying something about not being… ready? Are you a virgin, Timothy?”

Ra’s smile was positively lecherous at the possibility. Tim couldn’t help the flush that flared up in his cheeks. 

He glared, “No.”

_ Thank God for that,  _ he thought.

Ra’s only looked minimally disappointed by his answer, Tim had a feeling it was because he’d realized Tim’s true answer. 

“But you’ve not had much experience, I gather.”

Tim averted his eyes, picked hard at the pillow cover as he nodded. He couldn’t stand to look into the other man’s eyes and see his expression. Ra’s gripped his shoulder and pulled him until he was sitting upright on the edge of the bed next to him.

“That’s perfectly alright. It just means I have to teach you a little bit. We’ll go slow… tonight I’ll teach you all that you need to know.”

Tim’s gut was clenched in fear at the prospect of what Ra’s would  _ teach _ him. Still, when Ra’s motioned for him to kneel on the ground in front of him, Tim complied with begrudging acceptance.

“Now, for your first lesson,” Ra’s purred and threaded his fingers tightly in Tim’s hair, drawing him in towards his crotch. “ _ fellatio _ .”

  
  



	4. Chapter 3

_ “Him pressing against me, his lips at my neck, and yes, I do believe his mouth is heaven, his kissing falling over me like stars. Names of heat and names of light, names of collision in the dark” — _ “ Saying Your Names ”,  __ Richard Siken

 

Tim watched the small group exit the hangar platform, three people secured in their grasp, hands tied and heads covered with cloth sacks. One was obviously a child and Tim had to restrain himself from running over there and beating the person that clutched the young girl by her shoulders senseless. Tim spotted Jason, looking wearied in more ways than one, but knew it would be awhile before he was able to speak with him alone.

He decided to wait in Jason’s room, but on the way there he was intercepted by one of Ra’s men informing him that there was to be a meeting in the command center. Having no idea where that was, Tim was forced to follow the man as he led him through a maze of dark hallways and staircases. Emerging into the command center was like walking into a different century. It was the same large room with its dark wood floors and oriental accents, except large screens covered the far wall and computers hummed with life on every table. 

Ra’s was leaning over the long table at the center of the room, another man at his side as they gestured down at a set of blueprints. Tim pushed through the crowd, hoping to get a glimpse at what they were for. Ra’s eyes flickered up momentarily, catching Tim moving towards him and said something quietly to the man at his side. By the time Tim reached the edge of the table, the blueprints were being hurriedly rolled into a scroll. 

Tim groaned internally. He had a feeling gaining Ra’s trust wasn’t going to be an easy process, but they were dealing with a limited time schedule if Jason and Tim wanted to send out a warning before the actual event was to take place. Ra’s had persuaded Tim to join him with the idea of watching his master plan take place. Tim had assumed he would be working at Ra’s side, but now he was starting to believe he’d be just as surprised as the weapon’s victims when the time came.

Ra’s snaked his hand around Tim’s waist and leisurely rubbed his hand along his hip. Tim ignored his instincts and leaned into the touch. Ra’s hummed appreciatively. “You were up early this morning. Did you sleep well?”

“Mmhm, just wanted to have a look around.” If he was being honest only part of that was true… yes he’d wanted to have a look around Ra’s compound before the man himself woke up. But he really didn’t have to wait until later that morning, he could have slipped out of bed at any time during those sleepless hours when he had Ra’s arm wrapped around him in a foreign embrace.  

Tim wanted terribly to shift away from Ra’s hands. His body ached and was marked up and down with bruises, some intentional… some just a result of passion—  though not on Tim’s part. His mind had escaped his body at that point of the night, it was floating somewhere up above his body thinking about the starry sky and the mountains in the distance. In his mind he was venturing past those snow covered peaks, across entire continents, to the place where Jason existed. Was he still alive or was he lying in a ditch somewhere? Would Tim even know? Tim liked to imagine he would— that there would be a tugging sensation within himself to signal such an event, but then again he'd always witnessed the deaths of the ones he loved. Death to him was always a splatter of blood, an abridged cry, the impact of a body against the pavement, or the silence after all the noise. 

The doors to the command center slid open, drawing Tim away from his dark thoughts, though the sight that greeted him didn’t lighten his mood. Jason and Talia entered the room, Talia moving directly to one of the chairs at the long table looking so tired like she couldn’t bare to stand up a moment longer. Jason, looking equally exhausted and agitated, hesitated to follow her when his eyes landed on Tim. He inhaled sharply, audible even across the room,  his nostrils flaring.

“Honestly, father. This couldn’t have waited a few hours for us to get properly rested?” Asked Talia.

Ra’s took a seat at the table across from her. “My dear, you know as well as I do that mission information is always best when delivered fresh.”

Talia’s voice detailing their mission was a distant noise in the background as Tim sat down as well, conscious of Jason doing the same though with less grace since his eyes were still mapping the path of Tim’s skin. Tim could only imagine what he looked like to the other man, how Jason’s eyes must be jumping from bruise to bruise. 

It was only the silence that ensued afterwards that signals both boys to what was happening around them. 

Tim jerked to look at Ra’s who was smiling at him. “Perhaps you’re more tired than you thought, beloved.” 

Tim still cringed at the pet name, sounding too ancient to his ears. 

“When are you going to let us in on your plans?” Asked Tim, crossing his arms.

Ra’s quirked an eyebrow, resting his head against his fist. “When you’ve proven yourself of course.”

Tim ground his teeth. “And didn’t we? Jason completed his mission and I… showed you my commitment last night.”

Ra’s tsked at him. “Oh, Timothy. Jason has most definitely shown me his skill and you your dedication, but acts of devotion in the bedroom can’t justify your commitment to our cause.”

“Ra's is right,” responded Jason, making no attempt to hide the malice in his voice. “Anyone can fake an orgasm. It doesn’t mean anything.”

Tim flushed, both from anger and embarrassment. “That’s not— we didn’t— ”

 He wanted to yell at Jason that he shouldn’t say things like that, it would only cause Ra’s to question his loyalty more, but another part of him felt gratified by Jason’s angry words. He couldn’t afford to feel anger like that when every fiber of his being was working towards gaining Ra’s conviction and therefore escaping from under the eye of his scrutiny.  

Ra’s icy gaze was fixed upon Jason, but it seemed to be a fire and ice scenario. They’d landed upon an area where Jason’s anger was so strong that it matched Ra’s blow for blow. Jason wouldn’t back down until Ra’s did, and Ra’s was wise enough to shift onto a different topic.

“I can see you’re in need of rest. Later, however I’d like you and Timothy to visit our new occupants and convince the scientist to begin work. Are we understood?”

“Crystal,” Jason grunted and shoved out of his chair, heading straight for the door. He only needed to spare one glance over his shoulder at Tim for him to understand that they needed to discuss things in private.

They ended up back in Jason’s room and Tim was unprepared for Jason to turned on him the moment the door was closed. In the blink of an eye he was right in front of him, hands tilting his head back and tugging at the collar of his shirt to get a closer view of the skin underneath. Jason emitted a disgruntled noise at what he saw and reached for the hem of Tim’s t-shirt. Finally recovering from his shock, Tim was quick to slap Jason’s inquiring hands down and away.

“ _ Hey _ ,” Tim hissed. “back off won’t you? And stop poking at me like I’m a piece of meat, if you haven’t noticed I’m a little sore today.”

“I’ll bet you are, you look like the girls in Crime Alley after their pimps get to them for skimming from the cashbox.” 

“Gee, Jason. Thanks for that.” Tim scowled, “ Like I didn’t already feel like enough of a prostitute. And to think I got it into my head that you were worried about me…”

He stepped around Jason and headed toward the door. “Nice talking to you, Jason. Let’s do this again sometime.”

“Tim—   ” Jason planted his hand against the door before Tim could open it. “Shit— just wait a minute won’t you? I didn’t mean to piss you off like that. Look… I was worried about you, but more than that, I was fucking angry.”

Tim leaned his shoulder against the door and glared up at him. “No, really? So that’s what that little outburst back there was about. You could have ruined us right off the bat, do you know that? What the hell were you thinking?  _ Anyone can fake an orgasm _ .”

“I was thinking that he might have forced you and I couldn’t let that smug look on his face stand.” Jason slammed his fist into the door beside Tim’s head. Tim blinked at him, surprised that his situation could evoke such a response from Jason.

“Did he force you?” Jason asked after a minute, his voice quieter than it had been before.

Tim sighed and stared down at his feet. “Does it matter?”

“It does to me.” 

“You know he could never really force me to do anything I didn’t want to do,” Tim rubbed at his shoulder, wondering how much he should tell Jason. He figured it was best to tell him the whole truth. After all it was Jason, he’d probably get it out of him at some point. Tim could also do without another outburst like before. “But… I will admit that in the beginning I freaked out a bit and tried to make a run for it. That’s where most of these bruises came from.”

“ _ Fucking bastard _ ,” hissed Jason. “The man is centuries old, probably has a signed copy of the fuckin’ Kama Sutra, and he  _ still _ doesn’t know how to treat a partner properly.”

The other boy looked like he wanted to find Ra’s and punch him in the face. Tim gripped his elbow tightly, just in case.

“No, he was testing me, Jason. Just like he was testing you. To see my commitment— to see how far I was willing to go. Honestly, I think he would have been more suspicious if I didn’t try to run.”

Jason was silent for a moment, thinking, his head pressed against the door. He turned to Tim and inspected his skin again, now with more care. Tim let him this time, eyes scrutinizing his body, his fingertips following the same path as his gaze like they were one in the same. 

Tim shivered as Jason’s fingers skimmed the bruises around his neck. Jason frowned and traced his fingers around the back of Tim’s neck and into his hair. Tim hissed as Jason probed the still tender flesh and jerked his head to the side. 

“What happened here?” asked Jason.

Tim’s fingers lingered over the tender area, not confident enough to touch it and have the pain flare up again. He hesitated before answering. “He was teaching me the proper technique and got a little… overzealous in his handling.”

Jason snorted darkly. “Only you would use the world overzealous when talking about a blow job.”

His hands dropped away suddenly as he reached into his duffel bag and pulled out a pharmacy bag. “I did a little shopping while they were fueling up the plane.”    

He tossed the bag to Tim, who caught it against his chest. He peaked inside to see various tubes of creams and bottles of aspirin. “Even with my knowledge of the Tibetan language, I don’t know what half of these are for.”

“Well one of them is for if he got a little  _ overzealous _ during the main event and didn’t prep you enough—”

Tim chucked the bag onto the bed like it had suddenly caught fire. “Goddamnit, Jason! What the hell do you think happened last night?”

  “I was thinking it’s Ra’s, who isn’t used to taking no for an answer, and you, who might just be stubborn enough to fight him all the way through it. I wasn’t sure what I was going to find when I came back.”

“We didn’t even— he just fingered m—  of course he prepped me, he wanted me to enjoy it—” Tim’s mouth was suddenly dry and Jason was staring at him too intently for his liking. He had the sudden feeling that he’d said too much. “Nevermind. I just meant that we didn’t go all the way. It was a lot more of me pleasuring him than anything else.”

“Right, well… like I said I didn’t know what state I’d find you in so there’s a little extra present in there for you.” Jason pointed at the abandoned bag. Tim warily reached for it again as Jason continued to speak.

“The bottle with the green label. In case there’s a night that Ra’s is ready for a go and you’re not up to it.”

Tim made a face. “Viagra?”

Jason snickered. “God no, you idiot. It’s diazepam. Crush it up and put it in Ra’s wine and it’ll knock him out. Make sure to ply him with a lot of alcohol though, otherwise he’ll probably figure out you drugged him.”

“Oh, thank you.” Tim turned the bottle in his hand, unsure of what to say to the fact that Jason apparently cared about his wellbeing enough to give him drugs to use against another man.

Jason turned away and started changing into different clothes, obviously considering this conversation over. Tim glanced at the door, knowing he should probably leave and let Jason sleep, but couldn’t help lingering anyway.

He squeezed the bottle of pills, gathering up his nerves. “Jason?”

Jason pulled a clean shirt over his head and turned back to Tim, his expression curious. “Yeah?”

“What happens if I’m not good enough… or if I can’t fake it enough to convince him? He won’t open up to me afterwards if he didn’t enjoy it or…”

“Hey, hey.” Jason was in front of him, hands rubbing along his forearms, rough and warm. “It’s just sex, Tim. Like I said, anyone can fake an orgasm.”

“Well, what if I can’t?” Tim jerked out of his hold, wiping at his watering eyes. “My first time wasn’t all that special and,  _ oh god,  _ I don’t want Ra’s to be the one to make me feel that.”

It was probably the most intimate thing Tim had ever said to Jason. 

Rough fingers lingered along his cheek and jaw, the faintest of a touch. He could feel Jason standing beside him, his chest brushing up against Tim’s arm with every breath the other boy took. Tim wasn’t sure if he should pull away or not— in truth he didn’t want to, instead he kept his gaze averted. 

“He doesn’t have to be...” The words were little more than a murmur against Tim’s ear. A little sinful offering, easy enough to brush away as nothing if he didn’t want to take Jason up on his offer. He knew Jason wouldn’t hold it against him if he ignored it.

Tim stared up at Jason through watery eyes.

“What?” he whispered.

Jason’s thumb was brushing at his cheek now, his expression soft. “You’ve really got no idea what you do to people, do you?”

The answer came to him, but Tim couldn’t connect the pieces for the life of him.

“You— but you’ve never—” Tim sputtered. Not once had Jason ever given him the notion that his feelings went any deeper than general tolerance… maybe affection. Then again… they’d never felt brotherly either, not like Tim’s relationship with Dick. Now that Tim thought about it, it seemed like a very deliberate decision on Jason’s part that they never crossed that line.

“It would have been selfish of me.” Jason said, his fingers shifting the bangs away from Tim’s eyes. “You were young and you deserved so much better than some vigilante thug from Crime Alley. I wanted you to have better options. Like Conner. He was your first, right?”

Tim nodded. He remembered Connor’s large, strong, hands gripping his hips, so afraid that he was going to break him if he lost control of himself. They had both been afraid of a lot of things that night. The sex had been premature and full of embarrassed laughter pressed into the other’s skin to keep from being overheard by their other teammates in the tower. 

“But Conner’s been gone for a year. Why tell me now?”

Jason shrugged and smiled a soft smile, with just the barest hint of teeth. Tim couldn’t stop staring at his lips. “I’m feeling selfish now. So, I’m offering tonight… if you want it. Just this once.”

“Just this once.” Tim whispered like he was afraid if he said it any louder it wouldn’t really happen. 

Jason smiled, but some of the earlier softness in his face had transformed into lustful heat. His gripped Tim’s elbow and drew him close so he could speak into his ear. 

“Sneak away later tonight and meet me back here. I’ll show you what the real thing feels like. Ra’s won’t ever have to know.”

Jason’s hand was hot against Tim’s flushed skin and Tim caught himself against Jason’s waist, his legs suddenly weaker than they’d been a moment ago. It’s nerves, he told himself, but didn’t remove his hand. He tilted his head at a steep angle, but this close he could see no higher than Jason’s nose and his pink lips framed among the scruff of his 5 o’clock shadow, and for once Tim did not mind the height difference that existed between them.

As Tim breathed in the same breaths as Jason, he wondered what Jason had been drinking before. Spiced and earthy, the closest guess Tim could make was some type of black tea and before he knew what he was doing he was pressing his lips to Jason’s. They were stiff with surprise at first but quickly yielded to the pressure as Jason pulled Tim more firmly against him and deepened the kiss. Jason parted his lips and allowed Tim to tentatively explore his mouth with his tongue, gliding across the backs of his teeth and mingling with his own tongue— which Tim didn’t doubt was more talented than his own, but was patiently being restrained. It was another long minute before Tim pulled back, but only enough to press his face into the crook of Jason’s neck, slowing his breathing back to a normal pace. 

It was only when Jason gave Tim’s elbow a squeeze and a light nudge towards the door that Tim collected himself enough to leave. He closed the bedroom door behind him, the cold air from the hallway cooling his flushed skin. Tim glanced down at the bottle of pills in his sweaty hand, by the time he started down the hall he’d already figured out the right moment to use it. He’d have to be careful about it, if Ra’s suspected anything he’d be in trouble. Still, that wouldn’t be the most exciting part of his night, he reminded himself with a small smile… that would come afterwards.


	5. Chapter 4

_ “Moonlight making crosses on your body, and me putting my mouth on every one. We have been very brave, we have wanted to know the worst, wanted the curtain to be lifted from our eyes.” — _ “ Snow and Dirty Rain ”, Richard Siken

 

“Did you and Jason visit our good doctor as I instructed?” Ra’s’ voice carried across the sitting room that adjoined Ra’s’ bedroom. Ra’s was currently perusing the books of his personal library that made up one wall of the sitting room for reading material before bed. His choices were tough, narrowed down to two— the  _ Art of War _ or  _ 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea _ . 

Tim poured spiced wine into two glasses and tapped a bit of crushed white powder into one from the napkin he’d crushed the pills on top of an hour ago. He slipped the napkin back into his shirt sleeve and picked up the two glasses, turning to address Ra’s.

He handed a glass to Ra’s, careful to keep his expression neutral. “We did. Jason tried to strong arm him, but he’s refusing to do anything until he’s seen his wife and daughter. I thought we’d bring them up tomorrow, let the doctor see that they’re unharmed, and promise him that they’ll stay that way as long as he cooperates.”

Ra’s nodded. “Good, but keep the girl in a separate cell afterwards. Hopefully the mother’s concern for her daughter’s welfare will encourage the doctor to work harder. She’ll be too worried about us hurting the girl to not be on our side.”

Tim frowned. “But the girl  _ won’t  _ be harmed, right? You wouldn’t hurt a child?”

“No, of course I wouldn’t.” Ra’s placed a hand on Tim’s shoulder before turning back towards his bookshelves. “That’s what I have Jason for.”

Tim stared at Ra’s back, his glass abandoned in his hand. He reached blindly for the side table to place it down, almost spilling it on the carpet in his haste. “Jason might be a lot of things, Ra’s, but he’s not a child abuser. I can guarantee you that he won’t obey those orders.”

Ra’s shrugged. “Then he’ll be of no more use to me. His position is replaceable, after all.”

Ra’s drained half his glass in one long swallow and a ruthless, power hungry, part of Tim was pleased that it hadn’t taken any trouble at all to drug the  _ great _ Ra’s al Ghul. The man had complained of a headache at dinner and had been taking generous sips from his wine glass throughout the meal to numb the pain with an alcohol induced buzz. 

Tim supposed it might have been the wine loosening Ra’s tongue, but he still couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Ra’s had been after him for years to join his cause, what made him unique from Jason? After all, they had both been trained by the same man, both possessed the same skill set. What was Tim’s use to Ra’s and when would the time come when Ra’s considered him replaceable?

He almost asked that question aloud, full of bitterness as he was, but reigned himself back at the last moment. Instead he reached for the decanter.

“More wine?” he asked with a smile as Ra’s nodded and held out his glass. It wasn’t long before Ra was lying prone across the large, four poster bed, an arm thrown across his eyes to block out the light as he slept. Tim stood over him at the foot of the bed, the book he’d been skimming abandoned on the chair behind him. The decorative spears mounted on the side wall caught Tim’s eye. They were a risk to have inside the bedroom, but then again, Ra’s must have thought himself more than capable of handling Tim if he decided to use one of them against him. 

It was getting late into the night and Ra’s had already been asleep for nearly an hour. Tim had been extra cautious—  he didn’t want to leave for Jason’s room until he was certain that Ra’s wouldn’t wake up and find them together. Tim should have been heading for the door by now, but he stayed staring at the spears. The idea of yanking one of them down and piercing Ra’s through the chest with it was strong, fueled by the part of Tim that wanted just to  _ end this _ now, before it all became too much for him to handle. But Tim’s logical side reminded him that the league had survived for centuries and that Ra’s was only their current leader. Killing him would not stop this plan from occurring, it would only delay it and put targets on the backs of every member of his family.

“ _ Fuck, _ ” Tim sighed.  No matter how strong the urge was, Tim couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

“I hate you.” He spat at the man in front of him, before turning towards the door. It might have sounded childish and weak, spitting insults at an unconscious man, but it made Tim feel marginally better.

From behind a lounge pillow he snatched up the kaffiyeh he’d stolen from an assassin’s sleeping quarters that morning and wrapped it around his head. He slipped out of the room and made his way down the torch lit hallways. Tim was dressed in dark colors just like any other assassin in Ra’s’ compound, but even still he couldn’t help thinking he was going to be caught every time he passed an assassin in the hallway, and tugged the black scarf higher up his face, inclining his head away. 

It was a relief when he found himself at Jason’s door. Tim checked the hallway in both directions before knocking on the door. There was a long pause before the dim light that slanted out from under the crack of Jason’s door shifted, followed by the sound of a lock turning. The door was pulled open, casting orange light into the dark hallway and illuminating Jason’s broad shouldered form. Tim blinked a few times against the sudden brightness until he could see Jason’s eyes clearly.

“Almost didn’t recognize you for a second.” said Jason. He inclined his head back towards his room, pushing the door open wider. “Come in.”

Tim walked inside before his nerves got the better of him. He stood by the desk that rested in front of the window, hugging his elbows and glancing around at the messy room that already looking lived in, unsure of what to do with himself. 

Jason closed the door after him and approached. Tim stared at him nervously. Were they just going to go at it? Tim knew that Jason didn’t outwardly display himself as a romantic man, but Tim didn’t think he was the anonymous hookup type either. He expected the other man to ease him into this… relax him a little first. 

Jason tugged the kaffiyeh away from Tim’s face and dropped it onto the desk with a smile. “I think you can take this off now. It’s just me.”

“Right.” Tim meant to sound at ease but the word came out in a hoarse croak, betraying him in front of the other man’s eyes. Jason’s expression softened instantaneously, hands rubbing up and down his arms in an effort to relax him. Tim had never noticed that Jason was such a physical person, relying on touch to comfort and express what his words could not. He knew that Jason would reject it if he said so, but he must have learned a little something while having Dick as a mentor when he was Robin.   

Jason was crouching slightly to look into Tim’s eyes from under his bangs. “Are you regretting this?”

Tim shook his head. “If I was, even the slightest bit, I wouldn’t have come. I wouldn’t have done that to you… played with your feelings for me just to get something I want.”

Jason let go of Tim’s elbows, his eyebrows momentarily flashing into his hairline. “But you’d do it to Ra’s… you  _ are _ doing it to Ra’s.”

“I’m not doing anything Ra’s isn’t already doing with you and me. He’s using my friendship with you to get something he’s wanted for a long time—”

Jason threw up a hand, cutting him off. “I get it, alright? But just because both of you are doing the same thing to each other doesn’t make it right. It’s actually kind of sick.”

Tim turned his head away from Jason’s hard eyes and shrugged. “I’m well aware of the fucked up relationship Ra’s and I have with each other. That’s why I’m with you right now… you don’t want anything from me that I’m not ready to give.”

“You don’t know that.” Jason grunted with a shake of his head. Tim got the sudden feeling that Jason thought him childish in his trustingness, it was something he wasn’t used to feeling from Jason.  

“You actually know nothing about me, you like to think you do… but you don’t. Not really… the things you need to know about me you can’t find in any patrol report and psych record. You told Ra’s that you were going to join me as my partner. If this mission goes south at any point that could become a reality. Are you saying that in the future if I wanted you to kill someone you’d do it? You’d be willing to give up that self-righteousness that comes from following the Bat’s rules?”

“I don’t know, Jason, but I know that I trust you with my life and that’s good enough for me for right now.” Tim didn’t want to talk about this right now. He had too many other things on his mind to worry about the rights and wrongs and future repercussions. Wanting to derail Jason’s somber topic of conversation and fulfill the urge that had been building up within him all day, he took measured strides until he was in the other man’s personal space. His hands went to the buttons of Jason’s shirt. “Didn’t I come here for another reason?”

Tim stretched upwards, capturing those graceful lips. Jason responded immediately, leaning down into the kiss and capturing Tim around the waist, encircling his hips with his larger hands. Tim relished the warmth that blossomed underneath that rough touch, branching out in all directions across his body and leaving him feeling slightly buzzed, like he’d had too much to drink. Jason hummed into their next kiss as Tim stepped backwards towards the bed, tugging Jason with him by the edges of his shirt. 

At some point Tim’s eyes must have slipped closed, for he was unprepared for Jason to pull away from the kiss. Jason’s lips didn’t stray far from his own, however, moving into his hair and the space right above his ear. Tim could audibly hear the deep intake of breath from the older boy, like it was physically hard for Jason to keep his distance. “I have to ask, before this goes any further, is there anything you’re not comfortable with me doing?”

  Tim was a little taken back by the question, not knowing how else to answer but honestly. “I— I don’t know, really. I’m not even sure what I like.”

Jason nosed at the shell of Tim’s ear, his hands rubbing trails of heat into the chilled skin of Tim’s back. “I can help you with that.”

Tim shivered for more than one reason, his hands crumpling the fabric of Jason’s shirt into tight fists as Jason’s mouth descended towards the crook of his neck, pressing hot open-mouth kisses into his skin the whole way there. Jason’s teeth nipped at the juncture where Tim’s neck met his shoulder, soothing it over with a hot, wet swipe of his tongue.

“Do you like this?” Another lick, followed by a little bit of teeth and a real kiss. The cycle repeated, leaving Tim to clutch Jason’s shoulders tighter as his knees started to tremble. 

“Yes,” breathed Tim.

His shirt was pulled open and off him. Jason’s calloused fingertips glided up and down Tim’s back, tracing the edges of his spine. His hands slipped down more, hesitating for a moment on the fabric of Tim’s pants and boxers. Even with Jason’s face buried in the crook of his neck and Tim unable to see his expression, Tim could sense his silent question.

“Yes, Jason.” Tim placed his hands on top of Jason’s, pushing down on them until both materials of clothing were far enough down his legs for him to kick them off and away.

Jason’s hands were slow and sedulous as they roamed back up to the small of Tim’s back. Tim hummed his appreciation, but was quick to express his displeasure. “I think one of us is wearing too much clothing.”

“I agree.”

Jason stripped like his clothes had caught on fire. There was something entirely charming in Jason’s eagerness, in the way that he didn’t try to make a show of any of it. One minute he was dressed and the next he was standing stark naked in front of Tim, smirk firmly in place.

Tim’s eyes wandered down and lingered, he gaped a little. “Well, you’re certainly… eager.”

“Perceptive one, aren’t you.” Jason strolled towards Tim, not caring as he stepped on the pile of clothes he’d just shed. “Now, I might not be the most intelligent guy in the room, but I think the next step it to get you equally  _ eager _ .”

Jason’s hands landed on Tim’s backside and slid down to his thighs, his knees bending. “Jason, what are you—”

Jason hoisted up and Tim cried out, his limbs flailing for a second before pitching his body forward and clinging to Jason’s body like a spider monkey, his feet crossing at the ankle and arms wrapping around Jason’s neck. 

“I got you.” Jason reassured him, his hands shifted wider under Tim’s thighs and he made his way towards the bed. Jason placed a knee on the mattress and released him. Tim dropped onto the mattress, his body sinking into the pillows under him. Tim spread out his limbs and looked up at Jason, unsure what he was supposed to do.

“God, you look so much better right now than any of my fantasies.” 

Tim blinked up at him. “You— you’ve fantasized about  _ us _ ?  _ Me _ ?”

Jason groaned quietly, shaking his head. “Only six ways to Sunday, Babybird. You would not believe the number of awkward situations I’ve had on missions with Roy and Kori—”

Tim yanked Jason hard against him by the back of his neck, smashing their lips together. This time it was Jason’s turn to flail for a brief second before his hands planted on Tim’s shoulders, eventually sliding up to cup Tim’s face, his thumbs stroking at Tim’s cheekbones. Tim pulled away, finally, when the urge to breathe could no longer be avoided.

“That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard.” Gasped Tim, “Get on the bed.”

Jason grinned and swung his leg over Tim so that he was straddling his hips. At some time during that long, hungry kiss Tim had become fully hard and he couldn’t stop himself from arching up into Jason as the other boy rocked his body back and forth, his ass creating a stunning friction. Jason adjusted his angle then, so that they were sliding together side by side. Tim’s teeth sunk into the skin of Jason’s collarbone and he could hear the hitch in Jason’s panting breaths above him. 

“J— Jason,” Tim pressed his forehead into Jason’s shoulder, his hips stuttering to a stop with a great effort. “I need you to— I need— I’m not going to make it much longer.”

Jason stopped rocking against him. “`Course, sorry.”

He reached into a bedside drawer for lube and wiggled his way down the bed, stopping to press kisses to Tim’s chin and breastbone. Tim’s legs were hoisted onto Jason’s shoulders. He pressed a brief kiss to Tim’s right thigh and Tim couldn’t see it but he could hear Jason rubbing the bottle between his hands to warm it up. Tim couldn’t help his leg muscles from tensing as the top was clicked open. 

“So you never asked who my first time was with? Don’t you want to know who the guy was?” Asked Jason.

Tim knew that he was trying to distract him, still he replied, “I always assumed it was Roy.”

“Nah, you never screw around with someone you work with, it makes for an unhealthy working environment.”

“But we’re working together…”

Tim almost missed Jason pressing a finger into him, realizing it was there only when the pressure increased as he moved it around experimentally.

“Yeah, but we’re different. You’re too… logical to let jealousy get the better of you during a mission.”

“Fine,” Tim relaxed under the intrusion of another digit as it joined the first and started scissoring. “Who was it then?”

“This French bartender, named Henri. I met him at the bar where he worked during the end of his shift. I was too drunk to remember much of that night except that he went slow and took care of me. He took care of me the next morning, too, when I was puking in the bathroom and brought breakfast back to his apartment for us.” 

Tim could hear the smile in Jason’s voice. “So yeah… I don’t remember much of my first time, but I definitely remembered my  _ second _ that morning. But you, Tim, I want to remember this. Are you ready?”

“Yes.” It was odd how the butterflies that had been swirling around in Tim’s stomach before had suddenly vanished. He realized he did feel ready, more than he had known. With a pang of remorse, Tim realized that the last time he had felt that way had been when he’d been with Kon. 

Jason rose up over him and Tim let himself trace the tensed muscles on Jason’s arms with his fingers as Jason readied himself. Then the other boy was pushing into him and it was just the same as Tim remembered it, hot, and strong, and oh so intimate. Jason’s panting breaths warmed the skin on Tim’s collarbone as Jason worked his hips until they pressed flush against the back of him.

Jason made a strangled moan as if the sound wanted to burst from him but he was afraid that someone would hear him. He’d planted himself over Tim, sinewy form curved like a bow. After a moment of nothing happening, Tim touched his fingers to Jason’s neck. “Jason?”

“Y-yeah, I’m moving, Babybird.” And true to his word, Jason started to rock his hips back and forth, gaining speed and depth with each new thrust, until he was hitting that spot inside Tim that made his back want to arch off the bed and Tim gasped, clutching at Jason’s shoulders. Above him, Jason smiled and pressed his mouth to Tim’s, working his tongue deep into Tim’s mouth, urging him to respond in kind. It wasn’t long until he was breathless, lips kissed raw and skin sparking with sensitivity. A kiss here, a touch there, that never ending press of Jason inside him, driving him up into the pillows that covered the top of the bed, and all Tim could do was gasp and moan through it. His body feeling more alive than any he remembered before.

It ended sooner than Tim had hoped but as much as he craved that pleasurable sensation he couldn’t hold out any longer, his body clenching around Jason as his climax hit him full force, Jason following soon afterwards. Jason pulled out of him, he slid the condom free and tossed it into the trash. He collapsed back down next to Tim who pressed against him, seeking his warmth to fight off the chill that lingered in this new home of theirs, not caring as their sweat slicked bodies cooled and stuck together. He did not plan on moving his head from Jason’s chest until he had to. 

Jason’s fingers found their way into Tim’s hair, gliding through Tim’s dark locks in slow strokes. Over the sound of Jason’s pounding heartbeat that was only just starting to slow along with his own, Tim heard Jason murmur, “That was amazing.”

“Yes,” Tim agreed. “Thank you.”

Neither needed to say more on the subject, remembering the agreement made earlier even if that agreement had been forgotten somewhere in the middle of their carnal act as the two of them moved together as one. 

They sat in silence listening to the clock count the seconds,  _ tick tock _ back and forth, back and forth for so long that Tim forgot that there was a need to speak, so lost he was in this quiet silence that surrounded them. He felt safe and sleepy with Jason’s arm thrown around his shoulders and his warm chest under his cheek. Jason’s heart beated just as steady a rhythm as the clock on the wall, but Tim much prefered the sound of Jason to that mechanical pendulum. 

Jason yanked the blankets up around their waists and Tim tangled his legs with Jason’s under the covers. He closed his eyes, willing for sleep to envelope him, knowing that he would have good dreams wrapped safe in Jason’s arms.


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I imagined while writing a scene in this chapter is "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam, but for Jason I used the cover by Boyce Avenue.

_“Please keep him safe. Let him lay his head on my chest and we will be like sailors, swimming in the sound of it, dashed to pieces.” — “_ _Saying Your Names_ _”_ , Richard Siken

 

The room was cast in darkness when Tim was awoken by Jason’s hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently. Tim stirred, shifting his cheek from Jason’s naked chest to search out the other boy’s face in the dark. Tim grimaced at the slick feeling of sweat that coated his cheek, wiping it away with his hand.

“You need to head back.” said Jason, his steady voice and straight posture suggesting he’d been awake for awhile.

Tim’s eyes had finally adjusted to the darkness of the room and he could now see how Jason would not hold his gaze. Had he had another nightmare? Tim had only witnessed one of Jason’s nightmares once and Jason had never told Tim what it had been about after Tim had woken him. He could imagine Jason waking in fright, limbs jerking as the paralyzing hold of sleep released him, only to lie still and wait for his heartbeat to calm as Tim slept soundly on the other boy’s chest. It was definitely something that Jason would do and it irritated Tim that Jason wouldn’t want to wake him and talk about it.

Then again, Tim realized, why should he? Tim had no claim on Jason, in fact... they barely knew each other as far as their personal lives went. If it wasn’t jeopardizing the mission or their secret identities, then it didn’t need to be shared with the rest of their family. Tim guessed that Batman’s emotional repression had rubbed off on all of them and for better or worse Tim would just have to deal with it.

“I don’t want to go back to him.” Tim admitted.

Jason rubbed at the dark stubble that lined his jaw. Was he going to grow a beard to match the locals who lived in this frozen landscape?. “Tim… you have to.”

Jason’s words betrayed how tired he really was, though Tim was not sure quite yet if it was emotional tiredness or physical. Probably both, thought Tim. If he knew anything about Jason he was worried about the events to come today and the future implications of that.

“Are you thinking about that family? Was that what the nightmare was about? Are you worried that you’re going to have to do something bad to them?”

Jason’s eyes flicked to his face for a moment, just long enough to show Tim his suspicious surprise. “Don’t you worry about my nightmare. It’s an old wound, nothing I can’t handle.”

And Tim flashed through the possibilities, oh how there were so many. _The Joker…  the explosion…  his burial… the pit_. There was a Lazarus Pit hidden somewhere deep in this mountainous compound. Ra’s wouldn’t feel safe dwelling here if there wasn’t. Did Jason know about it? Did it scare him being so close to it again? Once you’ve been resurrected by the pit there’s no way to use it again. You get one extra life with an added dash of pit rage, but it was still only one life. If you die again after that…  that’s it. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

“Ra’s is expecting you to do whatever it takes to make the doctor work for us. Even if that means hurting his family.” Tim warned him.

“I won’t hurt that child.” Jason objected instantly.

“I know,” said Tim. “I’ll make sure to keep the girl out of the way and out of Ra’s mind as much as possible. But you might have to hurt the mother…”

Jason shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve hurt a civilian to get what I needed.”

It didn’t sound like something Jason admired in himself. He sounded a bit disgusted by his actions, but he also seemed to have come to terms with them.

“Not to sound like a broken record here, Tim, but you _need_ to head back. Like seriously, you’re already risking your skin staying here this long.”

Tim slid out of Jason’s bed and started to pull his clothes back on. He found Jason’s clothes in the same pile where they’d been shed the night before and tossed them to him. “I told Ra’s we’d try talking to Dr. Stafford again today, this time with his wife and daughter. If we go there now and Ra’s questions me when I return to our room then he won’t suspect anything. I’ll just be following his orders.”

“That’s a weak out, especially for you, Tim.” Jason paused to pull his shirt over his head, his bed head springing loose once his head cleared the collar. “But I’m inclined to let you have it for once.”

He hopped into a pair of jeans, slipped on shoes, and made an honest attempt to tame his messy locks though it didn’t seem to do him much good.

Finally, he sighed.  “Let’s go see that family.”

They walked side by side down the dim hallways that turned Ra’s large compound into a confusing maze. It was only when they reached the lower levels that it became almost impossible to continue on as they had because of the traffic of people that passed by them.

Tim fell back behind Jason after that, Jason’s tall frame and broad shoulders blocking his view of anything in front of him. He would have liked to see the path they were traveling in case he had to return here by himself. Once again, Tim cursed his short stature.

They arrived at a gate and Jason nodded a greeting to the guards stationed in front of it. “Pemba. Tashi.”

The two guards returned his greeting with silent nods and unlocked the gate to let them pass through. Tim took notice of the old fashioned ring of keys in the guard’s hands. For all of Ra’s’ high tech in the command center, he was strategically low tech with some parts of his security. If Tim had to venture a guess, the only places with one set of keys to unlock them were probably here and the lazarus pit. Ra’s would not be foolish enough to risk those to any more than a few people.

They heard the the voices before anything else. The light cadence of a mother’s voice as she sang to her daughter. Jason paused at the sound of it, just for a second, long enough for Tim to figure he didn’t want to disturb the moment. He watched as Jason clenched his fists and continued on.

The mother heard the sound of their footsteps on the stones. Her voice was an urgent whisper as she hushed her daughter. “ — quiet for Mommy.”

A few hiccupping breaths were the only response she got. Jason shoved the bar across and yanked the cell door open. Mrs. Stafford was crouched on the dirty floor of the cell and recoiled to the far wall when she saw Jason standing over her. “Please…”

She didn’t bother saying anymore, for even Tim could see that she didn’t know what to plead for. He had no doubt that any past cries from her had gone on deaf ears down here.

“Do you remember me?” asked Jason. His voice was soft, entirely devoid of force to keep the woman calm and at attention.

She nodded.

“This is my friend, Tim. He’s going to be taking you to talk to your husband. You’re going to convince him to start working.”

“Why?” The woman’s voice was thick with confusion but Jason continued to talk over her unasked questions, trying to keep her focused.

“You’re going to remind him that the safety of his family depends on his involvement. That the longer he resists, the more he is putting your life and the life of your daughter in danger. Please, do not make me hurt you or your daughter.”

Jason seemed to have said all he needed to, for he shifted aside to let Tim through the doorway. Tim took the mother by her elbow and lead her out into the hall.

“Mommy!” a high voice cried out from another cell. The woman jerked around in Tim’s hold, swiping matted blonde hair away from her eyes as she found the cell her daughter was in, though she was too small to be seen through the window.

“Tim, go now. Cell 58. The guards there will take care of it from there.” Jason urged, voice loud over the continuous cries of the girl. Tim was quick to tighten his grip and tug the mother farther down the hall.

Mrs. Stafford did not put up any struggle as Tim lead her down the hall, her gaze turning back every once and awhile towards the way they had come, though they had walked far enough now that the voices of her daughter could no longer be heard. It did not take long after that for her to regain her composure.

“What are you two doing here with these people? You’re still children, you shouldn’t be tied up with terrorists.”

Tim scoffed a laugh at the idea of anyone calling Jason a child… or himself for that matter. Sure he had people in his life who cared about him, but none of those people had ever stopped him from risking his life.

“Jason’s not a child. He’s 21 and I’m 18. We’re old enough to understand what we’re doing. We can take care of ourselves.”

He was hoping that the sternness of tone would dissuade her from further discussion, but it only seemed to anger her more.

“You’re a _child._ ” she spat, coming to a stop so sharply that she nearly broke Tim’s grip on her. “And just like every child does you think that you’re invincible, but at some point something horrible is going to happen and you’ll know that you were the cause of it. You’ll be all alone and then you’ll wish there was someone there to take care of you.”

 _Perhaps you’re right_ , thought Tim but he said nothing. Instead he pulled his gaze away from Mrs. Stafford’s cold expression and directed it ahead of them. He tugged on her arm to continue forward. Cell 58 was in a small hall all on its own with another pair of guards monitoring the door.

They stepped forwards when Tim came towards them, grasping the woman by either elbow. Tim stilled the guards before they opened the cell door.

“Talk to your husband,” he urged. “and when you’re done knock twice on the door and your be returned back to your daughter.”

Tim specifically did not say “cell” for fear that she wouldn’t follow their orders. If she thought she was being reunited with her daughter after this, then perhaps she really would try to convince her husband to start work on the device. Tim, of course, could not fulfill this promise but he also did not want to deny Mrs. Stafford hope that her family would remain safe.

When Tim returned back to where Jason was waiting for him, he was surprised by the scene that laid before his eyes. The Mrs. Stafford’s cell door stood open still as they had left it, waiting for her to be returned to her cell, but open also was the daughter’s cell. Jason’s voice carried through from inside the small room.

“Shhh, didn’t your mom tell you to be quiet for her? You’ve got to be strong for her. How about I sing you a song like she did, would that make you feel better?”

There was a short silence that followed where Tim could not guess what the girl had answered with, but a moment later Jason’s voice started to sing quietly, so Tim knew the answer. The song was vaguely familiar, a rock song turned acoustic by the slow lull of Jason’s voice. Tim knew he’d heard it long ago but couldn’t remember the band or the song name.

Jason sang without hesitation, knowing that the girl was not old enough to truly understand the lyrics. He let his voice rise and hum, the part of him that recalled his own childhood remembering that it was the tune of the song that mattered more than the words themselves.

Tim crept forward until he could see Jason sitting on the ground next to the little girl, one of his calloused hands stroking the back of her head, his own head tilted back against the wall eyes cast up at the ceiling. Jason hummed the tune for a line, and tried to fill in the spaces with bits of lines that he could remember.

Tim blinked and froze at the realization that Jason’s eyes were now on him. Jason’s voice faded off and his hand stopped stroking the girl’s hair. “I didn’t mean to—”

Jason gave a small shake of his head, looking tired. “It’s fine.”

But as Jason rose to his feet and watched the little girl curl up like a cat on the warm spot he’d made on her mattress, Tim couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d interrupted something deeply personal for Jason. And he knew instantly that it was a type of intimacy that Tim had never shared with Jason, even with how close they had recently become. Tim had followed him when he was Robin, he’d saved his life, shared his bed… but he did not know the Jason that sang to little kids. Perhaps Bruce had caught glimpses of that Jason years ago, but Jason made sure that no one else did nowadays.

He closed the cell door quietly and locked it, not looking at Tim when he said, “Let go. It’ll be awhile yet before the guards return Mrs. Stafford to her cell and longer till we know if the doctor will cooperate.”

* * *

“Doctor Stafford began work this afternoon. I brought the finished blueprints with me if you’d like to look over them together.” It was dark again when Tim was able to tell Ra’s the news and Tim realized he had passed the whole day away without seeing the light of day. Most of his time had been spent hanging around the lower levels of the compound where the cells were situated and the rest of the time perched on a stool under the fluorescent lights watching Mr. Stafford start his work. Getting to see the blueprints before Ra’s, though, had been well worth it. At least now he knew the size of the device and it’s potential range of effect.

Ra’s smile was genuinely gleeful, but that did nothing to calm Tim. “I told you Jason would do what needed to be done.”

“I guess we won’t know until that actually happens. The wife was the one to convince the doctor. We sent her in to talk to him and whatever she said must have worked. I’d be careful not to mistreat her if she has that much persuasion on her husband.”

“I believe you’re right. We should reward the woman. Tomorrow I’ll tell the guards to put her child in a cell with her.”

“That’s awfully nice of you.” said Tim, but then realized that though the mother and daughter would be together it could not distract them from the fact that they were still locked in a cell. _Just like me and Jason_ , he thought, _two prisoners locked together in this compound. We’re no freer than they are._    

“I told you I can be a lenient man, Timothy. I knew that it upsetted you to keep them apart, so I’m easing your conscience now that you’ve come through for me. “ Ra’s smiled. “But, I believe that one favor should be repaid with another and it is past time that we sealed our agreement.”

Of course he did, for Ra’s never did anything that was not in his favor. He took Tim’s hand. Tim allowed himself to be lead towards the bed. His mind already detaching itself to reside within memories of last night. His memory of the night was still fresh and it took no effort at all of pretend that the hands removing his clothing were Jason’s, wrinkled because he’d just gotten out of the shower instead of from old age. The stubble that rubbed Tim’s neck and chin raw was the beard that Jason had grown during his time here.

With thoughts of Jason’s muscular form in his mind, of him flexing over Tim as Jason panted and whispered his name in Tim’s ear, Tim’s body did not betray him. Neither did his words as a different man than the one in his mind thrusted within him. Tim dug his teeth firmly into his bottom lip, blocking off the name that threatened to pass from his lips, knowing it would condemn him if Ra’s were to hear it during such an intimate moment. His heart pounded in the same frantic beat as Ra’s own when the older man collapsed on the bed next to him, but for an entirely different reason.

Ra’s pulled Tim’s back against his chest, his arm firm against Tim’s torso. “You were just as beautiful as I’d thought you’d be, Beloved.”

Tim’s eyes closed tightly. He pressed his face deeper into the pillow under his head, his mind already thinking of another place to inhabit for the rest of the night. He thought back to the low croon of Jason’s voice bringing the sound of it into the front of his mind and trying to recall the words.

“I’ll look forward to having you at my side when we strike New York.”

Tim’s eyes flashed open, all thoughts of Jason vanishing from his head at Ra’s words.

“New York?” he asked, hurrying to turn around in the small room Ra’s embrace allowed.

When he came face to face with Ra’s, the older man smiled and shrugged. “You had been asking where the target was, weren’t you? New York City. We’re going to plant the weapon inside the UN.”

Tim swallowed around a suddenly dry throat. “We’re going to attack the UN.”

And once again Tim went another night without sleep.


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys for making you wait so long for the update. I got sidetracked by school, sickness, and other small story ideas. But I'm back now.

_ “This is not harmless, the how to touch it, we do not want the screen completely lifted from our eyes, just long enough to see the holes. Tired and sore and rubbed the wrong way, rubbed raw and throbbing in the light. They want to stop but they don’t stop. They cannot get the bullet out.”  _ — “ The Dislocated Room ”, Richard Siken

The next afternoon found Tim outside of Jason’s room. He hadn’t left as early as he’d wanted to, thinking back on Ra’s’ hands undoing the buttons of his shirt that Tim had just done up. Tim’s hesitant protests smothered under the weight of Ra’s’ words, “Let it happen.” whispered in his ear. Now Tim’s keenness to tell Jason the news he’d heard last night had doubled. He had been about to knock until he picked up the smooth cadence of Talia’s voice, though at that moment it sounded more angry than anything else. The hand that Tim had raised fell when he realized what they were talking about.  _ Him _ .

“You have to leave, Jason. Tonight, before he makes a move against you.” urged Talia.

“Why? He can’t really see me as a threat to him, can he?” asked Jason.

“You slept with Timothy Drake. Someone who my father considers his property—”

Tim’s breath constricted sharply at those words. The only thing Tim could think was  _ Ra’s knows. Oh God… we’re doomed. _ Yet even with his thoughts spiralling out into a thousand different what if scenarios and hastily made escape plans, he heard Jason’s words as if from afar. 

“Yeah, we slept together.” Jason interrupted, irritated. “Once and probably never again. Ra’s still won Tim in the long run. It’s Ra’s’ bed that Tim is spending his nights in, not mine. Trust me, Tim has his priorities straight and I’m very low down on that list.”

Tim’s chest clenched painfully a second time, all other thoughts abandoned in an instant. Did Jason really think that Tim saw him that way? Did Jason really think that he meant so little to Tim? 

“It doesn’t matter what Tim thinks.” Urged Talia. “If Ra’s still views you as a threat then he won’t hesitate to get rid of you. 

Jason's voice through the door was biting, "Oh, because he's been so welcoming to me from the beginning."

"Exactly, Jason. You do not want to get on his bad side."

There were the sounds of stirring on the other side of the door. "I'm pretty sure I've always been on Ra's' bad side. I think I'll take my luck with Tim. But to satisfy you, from now on Tim and I will keep a wider berth between each other."

"Damn you, Jason!" Talia cried. "A wide berth is not going to keep you alive. How do you think Ra's found out so soon? It does not matter how discreet you and Drake were in your night-time escapade. When you are in the same room with Timothy Drake, you are painstakingly see through. A blind man could tell that you feel for him and he for you. Why else would he have asked you to join him in this suicide mission and you have said yes?"

Tim could almost imagine the cynical half shrug that Jason performed before responding. "Maybe I just have a death wish and an unhealthy amount of free time."

It wasn't anything close to the real answer that Talia was looking for but Tim knew Jason's evasive techniques enough to understand that he was shutting down and no matter how much Talia tried she wasn't going to get anything authentic out of Jason now.

"Jason— "

"No," Jason cut across her, voice suddenly stern and unyielding. "I told Tim I would see him through this. I'm not going to abandon him the second things get hot for me. I'm not leaving him alone with that asshole of a father of yours. End of discussion."

Tim hadn't heard Talia move but suddenly the door was being yanked open and Talia was storming out, nearly running him over. She blinked the angry haze from her eyes as Tim was flattening his body against the side wall.

Tim thought she was going to admonish him for eavesdropping on their conversation, but instead she spat, "If you truly love him you’ll make him see reason."

The words were a knife between Tim's ribs. Tim sucked in air sharply as if the pain were truly real, but Talia was marching off down the hall already too far gone to see Tim's pained wince. 

Tim did not want to turn his gaze to Jason. He understood that Talia was right... but Tim's brain was at war with his heart. He despised himself for being so selfish. How could he ask Jason to stay here and watch him be intimate with another man if the only thing Jason got out of it was an increased risk of death? Even if Jason said he wanted to stay... it didn't change the cruelty of the situation. 

Jason laughed a mirthless laugh that had Tim turning around in sudden concern. Upon seeing Tim’s slack jawed expression, Jason explained. “Ah, that’s right. You didn’t manage to eavesdrop on our whole conversation. You missed the part where I tried to explain to her that you letting me screw you didn’t mean you loved me. I mean, look at you and Ra’s, there’s no tender feelings in that relationship.”

“Stop it.” Tim snapped, anger flaring inside his chest in an unexpected rush of heat. 

“Stop what?” asked Jason, face strategically blank but Tim wasn’t convinced.

He stepped over the threshold finally, entering into the room he’d wanted to run to since the moment he’d woken up, even before that— since he’d first been told the news. It was practically a knee-jerk reaction that Tim had had to suppress. Letting the door fall closed behind him, Tim walked forward until he stood as close to Jason as he could while still meeting his eyes.

“You know exactly what. I overheard enough of that conversation to understand the situation you’re in, I know it’s precarious, but that doesn’t give you the right to shut me out like I mean nothing to you. Like you mean nothing to me— ”

Jason took a step forward. “Stop speaking. Now. Not another word.”

“No, I might have to pretend to feel something that I don’t for Ra’s but that doesn’t mean I have to pretend  _ not _ to feel something for you. I won’t claim that I don’t lov—”

Jason was on him in a flash like someone had set off a hairpin trigger. He thrusted his hands out, connecting with Tim’s shoulders and sending him crashing into the door. The weight of Tim’s body slammed the door closed into it’s frame and Tim’s head bounced painfully against the wood. He didn’t have the chance to cry out as Jason slapped a hand over his mouth, pressing down with enough force to bump Tim’s head against the wood again, though softer this time. 

When Tim blinked against the pain in his head and looked up at Jason’s face, he was surprised to see a distraught expression staring back at him. 

“Do you want to kill us both?” whispered Jason. “Tim, you can  _ never _ say those words out loud. Not now. Not while we’re still on this mission. It’s too risky and I need one of us to survive this.”

Tim was quick to yank Jason’s hand off his face and Jason let it fall away, releasing him from his grip. “You don’t think you’re going to make it.”

It wasn't a question and Jason didn't bother to treat it like one. Jason’s forehead crinkled. “Could you blame me?”

No, Tim couldn’t given their current situation and what he knew about Ra’s al Ghul, but that didn’t mean he was just going to sit by and watch it unfold. “I won’t let that happen. I’ll do whatever I have to, but you are  _ not _ going to die here, Jason.”

“Then stick to the plan— the plan that was made before  _ this _ —” Jason gestured between their chests, “ever happened. We don’t feed the rumor and hopefully we’ll make it long enough to get through this and get out.”

Tim nodded because it was the only thing he could do. Despite the awkward tension that lingered in the room Tim tried to focus his mind back to the matter at hand. “I know where the target is.”

He had Jason’s undivided attention instantly. “Where?” 

“The U.N.” he couldn’t help the cringe that followed his own words. The feeling was equally mirrored by Jason who swore so profusely that Tim wondered if he was auditioning to become a sailor. 

Tim didn’t mean to make it look like he was pouring salt in the wound but it still felt like it when he continued, “It gets worse.”

Jason looked like he didn’t want Tim to continue, but he exhaled a long sigh and closed his eyes. When he opened them again he seemed to have steeled himself for the worst. “Alright, let me have it.”

“The conference that is going to be targeted takes place in two days time.”

“No,” Jason waved a hand through the air like he was trying to physically bat away that new information. “Stafford can’t possibly complete his work in that time.”

“Yes, he can,” said Tim. “I saw the blueprints last night, Jason. I underestimated how prepared Ra’s was until I saw Stafford’s work room with my own eyes. Stafford only has to calculate the amount of anthrax necessary to cover the distance of the building and transfer it into an aerosol form that can be released into the air system. This is really bad, Jason. If it gets in the air then everyone in the building is at risk of breathing it in, it’ll be trapped in people’s clothes and if they aren’t warned then they’re bring it with them wherever they go and other people will breathe in those spores.”

The direness of it seemed to hit Jason like a suckerpunch to the gut. “Releasing this at the U.N. could cause a global situation real fast.”

Tim lowered his voice, even with the door closed. “We have to tell Bruce. If the authorities get involved too soon and cancel the conference then Ra’s will know he has a mole in his operation and the first people he’ll look towards is you and me. Bruce will bring the matter to the Justice League and prepare them to react before anything is released.”

“I have a comm somewhere around here.” Jason turned away from him and started throwing clothes off of stray pieces of furniture. He continued speaking as he searched. “It’s on a private channel specifically for the league, but if I can get it plugged into a computer I can try to switch it to an open channel.”

“I know the door codes to the command center.” Supplied Tim.

Jason turned to stare at him. “I didn’t think he trusted you that much.”

“He doesn’t. Trust me.” Said Tim. “There are always at least two men in there on night shift. He knows that if I wanted to get into his files I’d have to knock them out and take the risk of them reporting to him tomorrow. I figured I’d only be doing that as a last ditch effort to find information and by the time Ra’s found out we’d be running for it anyway.”

Jason half crawled under a desk and returned triumphant with the comm. He quirked an eyebrow and tossed it back and forth between his hands. “We’ll fortunately for us we’re ahead of schedule… so any new ideas about how to do this without screwing us?”

“Not off the top of my head, no.” Tim scratched at his hairline, before turning on Jason. “Why are you always asking me? Why do I always have to be the one to come up with the plans?”

Jason shrugged. “I don’t know. You’re the smarter one aren’t you? You’re usually the man with a plan.”

“You have just as much a brain as I do, Jason. You give it a try. We’re supposed to be a team remember? I don’t like you just for your looks.”

Jason slumped down into a nearby chair. “I appreciate the compliment, Babybird, but I suggest you save it until I actually come up with something.”

Tim sat down on the bed while he waited. Jason sighed to himself and flicked irritatedly at his comm as the minutes passed on without a solution. Then all at once he bolted upright in his chair. “We don’t need the command center. Ra’s expected one of us to try there, so we should do something he’s not expecting us to do. The electrical system in the prison area is always having problems. I hear Pemba and Tashia complaining about it all the time. They constantly have problems with the cameras and the doors so the guards keep a laptop and adapter cables in the electrical closet to connect to the system incase something goes wrong. If you can hack into the laptop I’ll be able to get my message over to Bruce.”

Tim smiled. “I could kiss you right now.”

Jason got to his feet and lead the way out towards the hallway. “There’ll be plenty of time once this mission is over.”

They reached the prison level in comfortable silence though Tim’s heart was beating fast in his chest. He couldn’t believe they were so close to ending this. Another day and it would all be over. Tim didn’t think it was possible for him to want to get away from this place and Ra’s Al Ghul anymore than he already did. Then it would be just him and Jason with more than enough time for them to really figure out what this thing between them was and if it was worth continuing. 

Pemba stepped away from the gate to meet them as they approached. “What are you two doing back here so soon.”

Jason smiled wryly “Follow up questions from the Demon Head. You know how he is.”

Pemba shook his head with a noise that clearly said he didn’t know or care. He unlocked the gate and let them through. The electrical closet was located down a side hallway from the prison cells. 

Jason took out a pocket knife and shimmied it in the lock until it propped open with a distinct click. And there it was. The laptop was lying innocently on the floor waiting for anyone with a basic understanding of computer programming skills to get their greedy hands on and put to use. Tim turned it and got to work bypassing the security program.

As Tim worked Jason watched for guards and filled in the silence.

“So now that we’re nearing the end I think it’s a good idea to talk about our escape plans.”

“We’re going to have to escape separately.” Tim reminded him. “If we both leave before the cargo reaches New York City than Ra’s will become suspicious, but we also can’t be here when it all goes to hell. We’ll never make it out.”

“Exactly. I’ll be going with Talia’s group to plant the bomb, so I’ll have a chance to escape there when the Justice League joins the party. I hate to say it but your escape is going to be harder.”

“I could try to get to the hanger and steal a plane.” Suggested Tim.

Jason scoffed at that. “Steal a plane. Why don’t you just light a beacon in the sky and say  _ Here I am, Ra’s. Come get me _ . No, you should steal a car and drive as far away from this compound as you can get. Once we switch the connection on this comm you can have it and I’ll get a new one from the league. You can contact the cave with that and Dick can pick you up in the Batplane.”

“Fine. Now give me the comm. I’m in.” Tim took the comm that Jason handed him and got to work changing it to an open channel. A few minutes later Tim placed it in his ear and sent out a prayer as he switched it on. “Anyone home? This is Red Robin.”

Static crackled in his ear and Tim held his breath. He was aware the whole time that Jason was leaning forward across the room, the guards outside momentarily forgotten.

“Red Robin calling in,” he tried again. “Is there anyone in the cave?”

There was still no answer. Tim sighed and shook his head at Jason. He couldn’t believe that he had already starting thinking about his and Jason’s future. He should have known better than to get his head out of the mission before the time actually came. Thoughts like that could be a dangerous thing.

“Maybe they just all had to go to the bathroom at the same time.” Jason’s smile was sympathetic but the disappointment was as clear on his face as it was within Tim.

“Even Alfred?” He asked.

Jason flicked his bangs out of his eyes. “Well, look. We can keep trying at every hour tonight if we have to. I’m sure we’ll reach them at some point.”

“Or Ra’s could be jamming our frequency that transmits to anywhere outside of his compound.”

“I’m trying not to be negative here, Babybird.”

“And I’m trying to be realistic, Jason.” Countered Tim.

The comm in Tim’s ear crackled and came to life distracting Tim from the beginnings of an argument. He slashed his hand through the air cutting off the start of Jason’s retort as Dick’s voice spoke in his ear. “ _ Hey, Red Robin. You there? Sorry for the delay I was in the showers. _ ”

A smile broke out on Tim’s face. “Yeah, I’m here. Jason too. I got to say it’s good to hear your voice.”

Dick’s laugh came across the comm. “ _ I could say the same for you. Are you guys alright? Still in one piece? _ ”

“Yes, and trying to stay that way for as long as possible. That’s why we’re calling.”

Jason flicked his eyes through the crack in the open electrical closet to make sure no one was heading their way then came and joined Tim on the floor. 

“ _ Oh, so I take it this isn’t just a social call? Tell me what I can do for you guys.” _

“If that’s Dickhead, tell him I say ‘hi’.” whispered Jason.

“Jason, shut up.” Snapped Tim.

“ _ Was that Jason just speaking?”  _ Asked Dick’s voice over the comm. Tim hadn’t realized he’d been holding down the transmitter while he spoke. “ _ Say hey for me _ .”

Tim rolled his eyes at the pair of them. You’d think that they never used comms before the way they wanted to play telephone tag. He decided to ignore both of them and get right to the point.

“We need you to get a message to Bruce and the rest of the Justice League. We found out that the biological weapon is going to be planted in the U.N. building in New York City tomorrow.”

“ _ Geez, a little late don’t you think, Tim?” _

“Better than never, though.”

“ _ True. So you want Justice League on the scene tomorrow. Anytime good for you?” _

“We can’t have you scaring Ra’s away before they get setup. Jason will have to signal you once they get there.”

Jason snapped his fingers in Tim’s face and motioned for the comm in his ear. Tim flashed him an annoyed look but handed it over. “Hey Dickhead. I’m going to need you to slip a comm into the building sometime before tomorrow afternoon so that I can contact the Justice League when it’s time.”

Jason nodded along to whatever information Dick responded with but Tim could only guess what he was telling Jason. 

“And I’m passing off this comm to Tim. You’re responsible for picking the replacement up. I’m not being held responsible if he’s stranded in the mountains of Tibet.”

Jason reached up to pull the comm from his ear, but paused from whatever Dick said over the comm. His eyes flickered towards Tim for a brief second before he replied. “Of course. Gotta go. See you on the other side.”

He yanked the comm out of his ear and tossed it to him. Tim clicked it off and put the laptop and cables back where he found them. “What was that about?”

Jason shrugged and got off the floor. “Nothing important.”

Tim couldn’t see his expression as he dusted off his pant legs and decided the topic really didn’t matter. As they left the prison unit Tim was left with a feeling of accomplishment. They’d done it. The’d sent out the warning and now it was left to everyone else to see to it that it didn’t happen. All Tim had to worry about was escaping tomorrow and he had all night to plan.

Jason stopped outside of Tim’s door. “I have to go check in with Talia. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Tim caught his arm before he could turn away completely. “Jason… If I don’t see you tomorrow… Good luck.”

Jason flashed his usual cocky smile that Tim had come to know and love. “I don’t need luck, Babybird.”

Then he was off down the hall. Tim smiled after him and went into his room. One more day he reminded himself and then all of this would be over. 


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for taking so long to update you guys! I got sidetracked with exams and a different fic I'm writing. I'm also sorry that this is kind of a short chapter, but the next one will definitely be longer. I promise.

**_“_ ** _ Your hands fell through me two lights I almost broke in half wanting. Tell me what you thought you were doing when you tried to lay your body into that ground.” —  _ “ Letter from the Icefield, December ”, Sara Eliza Johnson.

The hand placed on Tim’s shoulder awoke him with a start and a flail that dislodged the hand and bolted him upright. It was not Ra’s or Jason that stood over him, but rather one of Ra’s attendants, the same one that had brought him those fancy dining clothes so long ago, and he neither cowered nor loomed, just simply blinked patiently at Tim. 

Tim cleared his throat and glanced around the room for a clock.  “Yes?”

Tim spotted the clock on the side table. As the man talked, Tim squinted sleep-blurred eyes at it, trying to discern numbers out of black blobs like it was a Rorschach test.

“I was told to wake you when the plane landed. The Demon Head asks that you meet him in the command center to watch the mission outcome with him.”

And suddenly those black blobs transformed into numbers and Tim knew exactly what time it was. Jason had left early this morning with his team to plant the devices. According to the man standing in front of him, the plane had just landed in New York. 

He hurried an agreeable response to the attendant and flipped back the covers in search of his pants. 

“Would you like me to bring you breakfast in your room, sir?”

“Huh?” Tim stopped with one leg shoved through his pants and mentally went through what the other had just asked him. He was afraid of what would happen to the command center’s floors if he ate breakfast then watched that mission on an uneasy stomach.  “No, no. I’m not hungry. You can go.”

When the door closed behind him, Tim scrambled into the rest of his clothing. He wanted to race down the halls to the command center, afraid to miss any second of the mission at hand, but he knew that he needed to pause and reflect on the plan. If the mission was a success, the weapon would be deployed in the building, the Justice League would arrive, and Jason would slip away in the fray. It would be Tim’s responsibility to slip out this evening, stealing a car from the car park and signalling Dick to pick him up. 

Tim reminded himself to breathe. He inhaled deeply and opened the door, racing off down the hall.

The command center was in a frenzy of movement as Tim walked through the glass doors. Well, Tim amended his statement, as his eyes landed on the center of the room. The technicians were in a frenzy at the computers and tables that circled the pit in the middle of the room. Ra’s stood alone in that pit, eyes on the large screens that dominated the wall in front of him. He was the solid rock that the river of workers parted around.

Tim waded through the bodies, like a salmon swimming against the current, until he stood at his side. 

“I knew you wouldn’t want to miss any of the excitement.” said Ra’s when Tim stopped next to him.

“Yeah,” Tim replied with a smile. “Thanks for waking me.”

He checked himself a moment later. Had he just genuinely smiled at Ra’s al Ghul and thanked him? God he needed to leave here as fast as possible. Tim feared what would happen to his psyche if he stayed any longer. 

Ra’s reached around a computer, one of many that sat on the circular table that ringed the pit. He offered his open palm towards Tim, and in it sat a comm unit. 

“Incase we need to relay instructions.” said Ra’s.

Tim knew that he meant incase something went wrong. He tried to keep his mask in place, afraid to betray any emotions. What if this was just another one of Ra’s tests? Tim had thought that he’d passed all of them at this stage, but as much as he thought he understood Ra’s, deep down he knew that he only understood a small part of him. And that part was the one Ra’s displayed openly… his constant distrust in everyone. 

Despite Ra’s praises towards him, Tim had a feeling that he was held under the same scrutiny. 

Tim slipped the comm over his ear. Don’t freak out, he reminded himself. After all, the command center had eyes all around the U.N. building, both inside and out. This was just added security. 

Two large screens on Tim’s right were solely for displaying each mission members live video and audio feed, with the person’s name displayed in the corner of their video feed. Tim moved to stand behind the technician who was in charge of monitoring the feeds as well as each team member’s vitals. 

“When will we be able to see what they’re seeing?” asked Tim, trying not to hover overly much. Tim itched to be sitting in the man’s seat, to have all that technology in his grasp. Despite Ra’s claim that Tim was a tactician, Tim’s true love was hacking and monitoring. He didn’t give a damn about leading armies. Give him a computer and he’d make an army of code to dismantle any company or secrete organization that stood in his way. 

“They would have turned on the cameras after they cleared the U.N. security. The video transmissions should be coming up any minute now.”

Tim backstepped until he could get a clear look at the screens again. The videos sparked to life one by one. Tim’s eyes scanned the names until he found Jason’s and waited with bated breath until Jason’s video transmission came alive and the partial view of a nose and eyes filled his screen.

“Did I get it? How do we know if they’re receiving this?” His voice came through the speakers of the command center.

Ra’s pace a hand to the comm link in his ear. “We’re receiving everyone right now, Jason.”

“Oh,” The eye that filled the screen blinked and pulled back hurriedly. 

Talia’s voice relayed their current location. “We’re outside touring the grounds now. We’ll break off from the tour group when we near the building. From there, we’ll bypass the security details, and find the M.E.P. room. After that all that’s left is to plant the devices in the air vents that will circulate the toxin throughout the entire building.”

Tim’s stomach churned at the thought.

He watched on silently as the team moved in a slow walk with the tour group, the unassuming people in front of them nodding along to the tour leader and snapping pictures. Tim tried not to pay attention to their faces, too afraid that they might come into contact with the anthrax. He was already troubled by this mission enough as it was, he didn’t need to add more faces to the ones that were already haunting his dreams.

“Okay,” said Talia, “Everyone ready?”

There was a chorus of agreements delivered in hushed voices into their jackets. “Move out.”

Tim leaned towards the technician in charge of the cameras. “What floor of the general assembly building is the mechanical room on?”

“For a building of this size, probably basement level.”

Well, at least they didn’t have to sneak far into the building, thought Tim. He watched as the six team members waded through the milling groups of people that dominated the entrance area of the building. They slipped down a hallway, and continued down it until they had passed the small conference rooms on the ground floor. They came to a stop at a doorway labeled personnel only. Talia stepped to the side to allow one man to pick at the locks while the rest flattened themselves against the wall, keeping an eye out for security guards.

Tim’s eyes switched between Talia’s video feed, which dominated the center screen of the command center, and Jason’s feed off to the right. He watched Jason’s headset camera jerk around at the sound of the door popping open from the lock. 

The group filed down a cement staircase and yanked the heavy metal door of the mechanical room open. 

“We’re in the M.E.P room,” stated Talia. “Everyone take a bag and fan out to the ventilation systems. Activate the devices and toss them into the vents.”

Tim’s eyes were glued onto Jason’s video feed as he accepted a backpack and moved through the network of pipes, water tanks, and electrical boxes, his camera bouncing between the floor and the ceiling, until he stopped under a series of vents. 

Jason dropped his backpack onto the floor in front of him and crouched down, unzipping it and pulling it open. Tim stared at the collection of spray cans that lay inside the bag. They were small, travel sized bottles, disguised to look like anything from bug spray to body spray. So that was how they’d managed to get them past the security scanners. 

Jason stared into the bag, his hands gripping the zipper edges like he was afraid of what his hands would do if he let go. Tim was right there with him and he knew what he was thinking… about how he could be using his those hands to kill more people. However these people didn’t deserve what was coming to them, unlike the criminals that Jason took out as the Red Hood. Despite the verbal abuse that Jason received from all of his other family members about morals, Tim now understood Jason’s side of it. That flimsy reasoning, that they were bad people who deserved it, seemed to mean everything to Tim in that moment. Tim understood, like Jason did, that this action would be so much different from all of Jason’s other actions. If people died today, they would be innocent and Jason would have no excuse but the priority of completing the mission to defend himself with. 

Tim and Jason had known that they would have to give up a lot to complete this mission. Be it morals, comfort, or relationships. They had known, but this moment, at the end of all of it, and after everything that they had already suffered through… this felt like the moment when they were crossing the line of no return. The deliberate action of terrorism that they were being forced to participate in, The action that went against everything they stood for, but was required to uphold their values and save lives. Tim wished he could be by Jason’s side in that moment, to give his support and pull him gently over that line. To show him that he would not be alone in crossing it, through it might feel like he was alone in that moment, with this final decision staring him in the face.

Tim placed his fingers against the comm in his ear. “ _ Jason _ .”

It was all he could manage, but it seemed to be enough, kicking Jason back into motion. Jason didn’t react quickly, however, like he wanted to get this done as soon as possible. Instead Jason took his time, like he had all the time in the world. Tim watched as Jason’s hands hovered over the open backpack. Jason’s fingers brushed over the aerosol bottles. He took them out gently and placed them on the floor next to the bag. One by one. Then he waited.

Into their microphones, the other five team members reported the completion of their tasks. Tim’s eyes flickered to the last member’s video feed as he twisted the top of his last can and tossed it into the vents. The camera jerked as the man turned and ran back up the stairs that lead to the ground floor.

“I’m so sorry, Tim.”

Tim jerked back around to Jason’s video feed. His was the only stationary camera, the only one not running through the hallway on the ground floor and slipping out into the city streets.

Tim’s hand was on his comm in an instant. “Jason? What’s going on? Get out of there!”

Jason’s video feed swayed from side to side with the sake of his head. “I can’t do that, Tim. I’m sorry, but that wasn’t part of the agreement.”

Jason’s video feed replaced Talia’s on the central screen, enlarged so that Tim had a clear view of Jason’s shaking hands as he fumbled a radio out of his pocket.

“What is that? What is he doing with that radio?” Ra’s demanded from behind him.

“Justice League move in!” cried Jason. “Anthrax has been released into the ventilation system. The building needs to be evacuated immediately!”

“No!” cried Ra’s. 

And like Jason could sense his outrage, Jason spoke into his comm. “I couldn’t let you win everything, now could I?”

Ra’s anger seemed to transform in an instant from fire into ice. “Yes, well you won’t be able to ruin everything next time. You’ll be dead by the end of the day.” 

Tim felt like he got sucker punched in the chest. Suddenly he knew what Ra’s was doing, displaying Jason’s demise for all to see like a gladiator’s death in a coliseum. Ra’s was the emperor and he held Jason’s life or death in his hands. Tim’s emotions bubbled up and threatened to choke him to death. His eyes watered with the pain of it. 

“ _What_ _agreement_ , _Jason_?” He nearly screamed. “Why won’t you get out of there?”

The camera shook as Jason hacked into the crook of his arm, the toxic air already affecting his lungs. “He knew, Tim. I wasn’t going to let both us die here. Better it’s me. Better that you make it out of this one.”

“I would have had to be blind not to see it,” said Ra’s. “You grew careless, Timothy. You thought you were in control of the chess board, but you forgot who you were playing against.” 

Tim turned to fix a suddenly watery gaze on him. Tim couldn’t stand here doing nothing. He wasn’t going to just watch Jason die. 

Tim clutched at Ra’s arms. At his shirt front. “ _ Please! _ You have me. Just get him out of there, get him to a hospital, and I’ll be yours. I’ll do anything you want, I’ll be whoever you want me to be. I  _ swear  _ I will. Please, make a deal with me instead. My life for his.”

Ra’s hands stroked the back of Tim’s head and down his arms. Behind him on the screen, Jason choked and sputtered. In between laboured breaths, Jason mumbled something incomprehensible, over and over again. Tim wished that he could spare a moment to listen, but all of his focus was on Ra’s, at convincing him in any way he had to to spare Jason’s life. 

A small smile make it’s way onto Ra’s lips after what felt like a lifetime of waiting.

“But, Timothy,” stated Ra’s. “I already have you, here, at my mercy. You can’t make a deal if you have nothing to bargain with.”

Tim’s knees cracked against the floor, the breath in his lungs leaving him in one go. The only part of him that seems to be working were his eyes. He blinked hard and let the tears flow. The room was silent and it was in that still moment that Tim could finally understand the words that Jason had been speaking.

_ I love you. I love you so much. _

“ _ Oh God _ .” Tim moaned, clutched at himself as he realized that it was now, as Jason was dying that he finally said the words Tim had longed to hear. Tim fumbled for the comm on his ear. He crawled on the floor until he could see Jason’s feed on the screen. Tim wasn’t going to let Jason die on him without telling him how he felt.

“Jason…” Tim croaked, his throat was tight with a pain that radiated up from his gut, constricting his muscles until he feared he couldn’t breathe. “Jason, I—”

Ra’s ripped the comm off of his ear and crushed it under his boot. In front of him, the screen went dark. 

“I don’t want you to speak his name anymore,” ordered Ra’s. “Jason Todd is dead. From now on there is only you and me.”

Tim closed his eyes tight and pressed his face to the floor. His body spasmed with sobs he couldn’t contain. 

_ I love you, Jason. _ He whispered to the stones beneath his body, hoping that somehow his words would tunnel through the earth to find the spot where Jason lay. Tim pressed himself into the ground and tried to travel that distance… tried to remember the feel Jason’s touches and kisses. And Tim hoped that Jason felt them too… for one last time.

  
  



	9. Chapter 8

_ “This must be what love is: a pain so radiant it cuts through all others.” — _ “ Beekeeping ”, Sara Eliza Johnson.

Tim squeezed his eyes shut tight and tried to remember how to breathe. He wrapped his arms around his middle and felt the press of his chest against his forearms with every inhale he took. He stayed sitting that way in rigid silence until he’d convinced his body that he was still alive, despite the pain that thrummed in his chest. 

Tim opened his eyes and stared at the floor. He could feel Ra’s presence behind him and the uncertain eyes of every worker in the room as they stared at the two of them in fearful silence. Tim knew that if he looked up at any one of them in that moment, he would see an earlier version of himself. It must have been what he’d looked like to Jason on that first night during dinner with Ra’s, where he was so afraid to attract the Demon Head’s eye that he scarcely looked in his direction, his eyes fixed on only Jason and his plate. Tim knew that he wasn’t that person anymore, he couldn’t be after being in Ra’s corrupting presence for so long. 

“Clear the room.”

The silence was momentarily filled with the squeaking of chair wheels and the shuffle of footsteps. Tim watched their shadows slide across the floor tiles in front of him. He tilted his head, ear straining until he heard the door click shut behind the last man.

“Why did you do it?” Tim had to take a breath before saying it. He didn’t want to taste those words on his tongue… to hear the words ring in his own ears. 

“Kill him,” Tim finished, hating the finality of it.

He gave a small abortive shake of his head, trying to slot Ra’s decision into some logical place in his mind. “You could have just sent him away. You won… he  _ knew  _ that you’d won. If you had told him to leave and never set his eyes on me again, he would have done it. So, why kill him?”

Ra’s moved forward until Tim thought he could almost see him out of the corner of his eye. “Jason was a distraction that needed to be eliminated. Permanently.”

Tim laughed. It hurt. “A distraction?”

“You and I both know that he would have lingered in the back of your mind if he still lived and breathed. Your focus would be elsewhere. I couldn’t afford to take that risk.”

Ra’s was right. As long as Tim had hope and the memory of their one night together, Tim wouldn’t be thinking of anyone else. 

“And sending him to his death.” Tim turned to stare at him over his shoulder. “You didn’t think that would distract me? That it wouldn’t make me hate you?”

“You’ve always hated me,” countered Ra’s. There wasn’t any anger to his words, this was just an understanding that Ra’s had come to on his own.

Tim shook his head and pushed slowly to his feet. He turned around to address Ra’s properly. “No, I was afraid of you. There’s a difference. But now you’ve truly earned my hatred. You took him away from me.”

“No!” Barked Ra’s, some anger finally pushing through that cool demeanor. “He was taking you away from me. I was eliminating a threat. Protecting what’s mine!”

Tim’s anger flared and he didn’t bother to restrain himself. What did it matter anymore? Jason was alone and dying. The mission was done. He had no pretense to maintain anymore.

“I was never yours!” he roared. “Did you really think that any of it was real? That I could  _ actually _ love you?  You don’t even know how to love.” 

Tim panted, breath ragged. “I’ve seen your type before… the old bachelors at Bruce’s galas who come from old money and care only about flaunting it in everyone’s faces. You’re greedy and cold. You only want me to say that you have me. To show me off like I’m a trophy! Well, I am  _ not _ your possession and I don’t love you. How many times do I have to flat-out reject you, before you understand that?”

Ra’s latched at his wrist, despite Tim’s delayed effort to pull his arm out of reach. Tim tugged futilely against his hold anyway, hating the feeling of being shackled, feeling like he did that first night when he woke up here, his wrist chained to the headboard. 

“You could never make me not love you.” Ra’s declared. “Despite what you might be feeling right now, despite where you go in a month… a year from now. I will always search for you and try to prove my love to you.”

Tim’s mouth opened, but it took a moment before any words were ready on his tongue. “Is that romantic to you? Because it shouldn’t be. It feels more like a threat than a declaration of love.”

Ra’s smiled. “I guess it all depends on your mindset.”

Tim slipped his wrist slowly out of Ra’s, not yanking… no he didn’t want to make himself look like a threat. He was calm as he put more space in between them, pressing his back against the desk and planted his hands on the desktop for support. 

“You want a declaration of love? How’s this… Even when he’s dead and buried in the ground, even when the bugs and rot have gotten to him and his face is unrecognisable from its former beauty, and he no longer holds the space in the back of everyone’s heads… even then I will still love Jason Todd more than I could  _ ever _ love you.”

Once Tim said it out loud he knew it was true. There was nothing Ra’s could do to change that. No matter how hard he tried. 

Ra’s smiled, there was anger there but also a fierce determination to change those facts to his favor. “Not even death will part us, Timothy. Not even—”

Tim couldn’t stand to listen to it anymore, knowing it was true. Despite his stubbornness and his devotion to Jason, Ra’s had an army and a lazarus pit on his side. Tim was never going to escape here. 

In an unexplainable act of ,very Jason-like, suicide his hands found the wireless keyboard on the desk and he brought it around in a savage, two-handed swing. It collided with the side of Ra’s face, cracking in half on impact. Tim felt a rush of adrenaline at the knowledge that he’d caught Ra’s off guard. Ra’s stumbled, dazed, and fell to one knee.

Tim knew he couldn’t stop now. He dropped the broken remains of the keyboard and found another within reach, striking at Ra’s again, but the older man was ready this time, throwing up his arms to deflect the blow. Ra’s’ hands ripped the keyboard from Tim’s grip and chucked it across the room. 

When Tim looked at Ra’s face, dripping blood into his left eye from a cut above his eyebrow, Ra’s’ face was caught in a mix of shock and anger. Tim believe he might have forgotten that his beloved “detective” held such rage in him. Tim was intent on reminding him. 

He stepped in towards Ra’s and struck up with his knee. Ra’s snaked his arm around his leg and pulled, sending Tim crashing to the floor. 

Then, Ra’s was over him, hands grasping for his arms to press them into the ground. Tim grit his teeth and pummeled the man with his knees and feet until he managed to kick Ra’s’ feet out from under him. Tim coughed as the air exploded out of his lungs at the extra weight on his chest, but planted his feet all the same and rolled both of them until he was on top.

Tim wasted no time in striked Ra’s in the face. Tim felt raw and unrepentant in his violent behavior. He thought at this moment that he might finally understand what Jason felt like when he was brawling in the dark alleyways against Gotham’s most notorious villains. Taking all of those emotions that had built up from nightmares and old, unhealed, wounds and releasing them through your fists. Feeling in that moment like you were overpowering it with the breaking of skin and the spray of blood.

Tim burrowed his knees and heels into Ra’s’ sides to prevent him from bucking him off. Ra’s was dazed and down but Tim knew him well enough to know that he was not out. Tim would not underestimate him again. 

The commotion their brawl was making must have alerted Ra’s servants. It was hard to tear his gaze aware when that tunnel vision was starting up, but Tim looked up towards the far doors. He really shouldn’t have, the distraction was all Ra’s needed to strike. His hand shot up and grasped Tim’s neck like a vice. 

Tim choked on a breath and dug his fingernails into the flesh of Ra’s’ hand, trying to pull one of his fingers back enough to dislocate it. Ra’s didn’t give him a chance, though, using his leverage to throw Tim off him. 

Tim’s head cracked against the tiled floor, black spots dancing before his eyes. Tim blinked hard through his distorted gaze, shoving himself backwards even as his body urged him to stay still. He couldn’t see much, but he could make out basic shapes, like for example, the oblong shape which was Ra’s and was currently standing and moving towards him. 

“I thought we’d gotten past this behavior, Detective.” Ra’s wiped at the blood that trailed from his nose. 

Tim staggered to his feet and, with a cry, ran at him. They came together and traded short, sharp blows to each other’s head and torso. Tim’s world narrowed into jabs, blocks, and breaking grips. Ra’s arms clutched at Tim’s shoulders, yanking him in to deliver bruising thrusts of his knees to Tim’s sides. Tim took the beating and thrust his elbows down, breaking Ra’s grip on him. His kicked Ra’s in the stomach and then higher, across the face, sending him stumbling backwards. There was blood splattered across the floor. 

Tim wanted to relish the breathing room he’d gained, but knew if he did then Ra’s would have the upper hand again. He actually wanted to figure out who had entered the room while he was getting his ass handed to him and if they were going to be a problem, but he could only deal with one problem at a time. He came at Ra’s kicking, striking at his shins and sides. He bounced back on the balls of his feet and came in again with a roundhouse kick with his opposite leg. 

Ra’s trapped Tim’s leg against his hip and twisted. Tim collapsed as his balance was thrown off. The blows that rained down on him after that were quick and brutal, punching the air out of his lungs. Tim was on the floor again with Ra’s staring down at him, expecting Ra’s boot to come down on his face at any second and end this fight. Ra’s was prepared to fill that expectation, it seemed, and his leg rose. 

Tim didn’t think that either of them were prepared for one of the men that had been hanging off to the side to come charging out of left field and knock Ra’s off his feet like a linebacker. Tim stared in shock at Ra’s as he slid across the tiles. 

Hands were under Tim’s arms, dragging him up and backwards. Tim jerked back into awareness of his situation and tried to twist out of his attacker’s hold, but the man had ahold of his shirt and, short of undressing himself, he couldn’t get free.

“Stop fighting me. We’re on your side.” grunted the man pulling Tim towards the doors.

“What is the meaning of this!” Ra’s bellowed from across the room as three more men approached him, blocking his path towards Tim.

“Talia al Ghul sends her regards.”

Tim stopped struggling and allowed himself to be put on his feet. The same man that had been dragging Tim clutched his arm and pulled him through the hallways of the compound. Tim was aware of more men surrounding him, protecting him from all sides, but his mind was occupied with thoughts of Talia and the aid she had sent him. 

He couldn’t understand why she would help him, until he thought about Ra’s and Jason’s deal. Talia hadn’t known about it. Only a day ago she had been urging Jason to flee and save himself, she wouldn’t have just gone along with a plan to martyr Jason. Well, she had definitely found out now and it seemed she wasn’t happy. Tim felt oddly proud that she had chosen his side over her own father’s. 

“There’s a car fueled and waiting for you.” The man shoved a piece of paper into Tim’s hands. “You must find Jason Todd and take him to this location. You may find an ally there who could save Jason.”

Tim was out of breath and his thoughts were out of order with the whiplash speed that everything was changing at.  _ Save Jason? There was a possibility he could still be saved?  _ “But how do I get to him? He’s all the way in New York and I’m… here.”

Tim wasn’t entirely sure where  _ here _ was, but he knew it was going to take a long flight to reach Jason. And Jason didn’t have that much time. Plus Tim had to worry about not spreading the anthrax poisoning to anyone else. 

“I’m sorry but that’s for you to figure out.”

Tim was yanked to a stop as someone came charging around the corner, katana drawn. Tim was pressed against the wall, shielded bodily, as the adversary was cut down. As he was pulled along again he asked, “Why are you helping me?”

The man leading him spared him but a glance, his expression unknowable through the black fabric that covered everything but his eyes from view. 

“We owe a debt to Talia from long ago. Now we are repaying her, even at the cost of our lives.”

They made it to the car park and stopped in from of a black sedan, the back seats packed full with food and camping gear.

“Exactly how far away is this place?” Asked Tim with mild concern.

“A few hours drive or more, but the demon’s head will be looking for you. Your travel time might be delayed if you are evading search parties and it won't be safe to stay the night in a town.”

The man handed the keys over and stepped aside to let Tim into the driver’s side. Tim slammed the door shut and spoke through the opened window. “Evading packs of ninjas. Sounds fun. Any advice?”

The man placed his hand against the side of the car and leaned in. “Drive fast. Very,  _ very _ , fast.”

Tim blinked at him. “Right… That's reassuring.”

He turned the key in the ignition. The radio came to life, a foreign pop song thumping through the speakers. Tim was reminded of the last music he’d heard, a song sung by a boy in almost hushed tones to a scared little girl, separated from her mother. 

“You need to leave. Now” The man urged with a glance back the way they’d come from, like he was expecting company at any moment. 

“I can’t,” said Tim. 

“You have to!”

“I need you to promise that you’ll do something for me. Free the scientist and his family. I don’t want them to suffer at Ra’s hands.”

The man considered it for a moment, before settling on the honest answer. “I’ll do my best, but I can’t promise anything.”

“You’re best is more than they had before, so… thank you.”

There was noise in the corridor. “You need to leave, right now.”

Tim put the car and reverse and made a quick two point turn out of the parking spot, he glanced back in the rearview mirror as he was driving away, the men that had rescued him were already turning, distracted by an influx of ninjas that burst into the car park. Tim hadn't expected to get a send off anyway. 

As he was driving down the winding road that ran down the mountainside and away from the compound, Tim fumbled in his pocket for the comm that Jason had left him and placed it in his ear. He’d have to wait until he was a safe distance away before he could stop and find the correct line to call.

* * *

“Shouldn't you be calling the big man with the pointy ears for this?” The voice asked, full of concern. “I mean Ra’s al Ghul is usually a Justice League issue. Not a  _ Young Justice  _ issue.”

Tim was sitting with a laptop perched on his lap. The car he was driving was currently pulled off of the road and parked behind a patch of bushes, obscuring it from view.

“The Justice League is already handling the aftermath in New York. Besides… I need someone fast not someone qualified. Bart, please! I need to get Jason here as quick as possible.”

There was a long pause that had Tim biting his lip in concern. 

“Alright,” Bart said, finally. “You said I’d find him in New York?”

“Check all the hospitals,” suggested Tim. “I don't know how much he was exposed to. He might have been checked into one of them with the other evacuees.”

“Be back in a flash.” Tim smiled, envisioning the wink that went with that phrase. 

Tim pushed the driver’s side door open and got out of the car, eager to feel the cold air on his skin. He had driven far enough that there was no longer snow on the ground, but the temperatures towards the bottom on the mountain range were still chilly enough to require a durable jacket. 

There was a gust of wind that was strong that the ones that had been blowing against the back of Tim’s neck just a minute ago. He almost dismissed it until he heard the snap of branches underfoot. 

Tim turned and stared at the two figures that stood before him, one of whom was sagging sideways into the speedster. Tim’s breath caught. “ _ Jason _ .”


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys, I'll admit that I'm apprehensive to post this chapter as I'm still not sure if I like it. Since starting work this summer I've had very few days to write which has caused this chapter to become stranded in half-finished hell. I've been trying to work on it on the weekends but have felt very out of touch with my characters and their current emotions because I've been away from this story for so long. So... I really hope this is a good chapter and I would really appreciate some honest comments on it. Be blunt. I promise I won't get offended. If you guys feel any characterization is out of place then tell me and I'll take the time to fix it. Also, sorry for such a long wait for an update.

_ “He’s not dead yet, not exactly— parts of him were dead already, certainly other parts were still only waiting for something to happen, something grand, but it isn’t always about me, he keeps saying, though he’s talking about the only heart he knows—” —  _ “ Road Music ”, Richard Siken.

 

“ _ Jason, _ ” Tim breathed out all at once and jerked his body forward so quickly that he stumbled to a stop against Jason, his chin bumping into Jason’s collar bone. Tim pressed his nose into the fabric of Jason’s shirt, relishing in that warmth and that scent that Tim didn’t know he loved until he thought about how he wouldn’t be able to breathe it in anymore except through Jason’s worn out t-shirts left strewn across the floor of his safehouses. 

Tim’s hands clutched at Jason’s jacket. “I thought I’d lost you.” he gasped against his chest. 

But there were the unmistakable signs that he was really alive and not some hallucination brought on by distress. Tim could feel the warmth that radiated through Jason’s shirt under his cheek. Jason’s hands were around him, wrapping like a blanket over his shoulders, fingers kneading into his shoulder blades, burrowing deep enough to prevent Tim from slipping between his fingers again. “Me too.”

Tim turned his face up to look at him, chin resting against Jason’s chest. He couldn’t see anything but Jason’s shoulder and the clear, cold, sky behind them. Tim looked to his left at Bart standing uncertain on the rocky landscape. Tim reached out and grasped his arm. 

“You don’t know how much this means to me—”

Bart smiled, like Tim had stated something so obvious that it didn’t even need stating. He held up a hand. “I know. Just—” He looked around at the barren landscape they were standing in, a dark, tree-less road stretching as far as the eye could see. “ — get him help as soon as possible. I don’t know what your plan is, but I don’t like your odds right now.”

Bart looked worriedly down the stretch of road, a thought coming to him. “I carried Jason here. If you tell me where to go I could take him and come back for y—”

Tim shook his head, glancing nervously at the sky around them, expecting a helicopter full of ninjas to descend on them at any second. He already felt like they had lingered here too long. “I can’t risk anyone but me and Jason knowing our destination. If Ra’s found you…”

Tim didn’t want to think about what he might do to his friend to get Tim back. Tim hadn’t even risked keeping the paper with their destination written on it, burning it to ashes the minute after he’d memorized it. 

Bart nodded. 

“Alright,” he said. “I guess all I can tell you now is to drive safe and drive fast.”

That was the second time today that Tim had been given that advice. It didn’t make him feel any better hearing it a second time. 

There was a streak of red and yellow and another gust of wind, then the patch of dead grass where Bart had been standing was empty. 

With Bart’s departure came the instant descent of Jason’s full weight onto Tim. Tim hadn’t even realized how much effort Jason was putting into standing up and looking alive until that moment. Tim stumbled back a couple of steps before he could support Jason’s weight, throwing Jason’s arm over his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his waist.

“Sorry,” Jason gasped. “My legs just kinda gave out on me all of a sudden. Must have been from speeding over here like that.”

“It’s been known to happen,” said Tim as he dragged them over towards the car. It was pretty rare, happening only once or twice at most, Tim’s brain reminded him, but he prefered to believe that Jason’s weakness was from that instead of thinking about how fast Jason’s body was being destroyed from the inside out. 

Tim perched Jason on the edge of the passenger seat, keeping him sitting upright with a hand on his shoulder. “I need you to take off your clothes.”

Jason smirked at him even though he looked, and probably felt like, shit. “I’ve missed you too, Timmy, but now isn’t really the time for that.”

Tim made a face. “Don’t be a jackass. Your clothes are contaminated. I need to burn them.” 

Tim went to the trunk and found a duffel bag full of spare clothes. He pulled a set of sweats and underwear, stacked them in his arms, and brought them over to Jason. Jason was slouched, naked, in the passenger seat looking as carefree as the day he was born. Tim prayed that no cars passed down the road. The cold air was already causing gooseflesh to prick up on Jason’s skin. Tim’s eyes followed the little bumps down around Jason’s nipples to the expanse of his stomach as it shuttered from the cold. Jason flung one arm across his middle in a feeble attempt to keep warm and extended the other out towards the bundle in Tim’s arms. Tim blinked and handed him the clothing to change into. He kicked Jason’s worn and bloody uniform into a pile a safe distance away from the car. Tim walked back to the trunk of the car and pulled out a full gas tank and ripped off a section of bandages. 

He was hunting through one of the cardboard boxes for a set of matches when there was a repetitive sound,  _ click snap _ ,  _ click snap _ , from the front of the car and Tim looked through to see Jason freshly changed and turned around in the passenger seat, playing with the lighter he’d forgotten he’d left on the dash from before.

Jason snapped it closed again and tossed the lighter to Tim. “Use this.” 

Tim doused the pile of clothes with gas and coated the bandages with it too. He held the open flame under the soaked bandages watching them catch fire and tossed them onto the pile. In less than a second the whole mass was aflame, smoke floating up into the sky. Tim’s eyes followed the smoke’s progress before skimming the horizon. It would still be a few hours before the sun rose over the mountains in the east, enough time for the smoke to be hidden under the darkness of morning, but Tim didn’t want to wait around to find out.

Tim slipped into the driver’s seat and pulled a roadmap out of the center console, dropping it into Jason’s lap. “I’m going to need you to navigate for me.”

Jason clicked on the overhead light on his side and unfolded the map in his lap. He looked over at Tim with a smile that was nothing like that of a dying man. It was almost… at ease. Tim stared at him in confusion.

“I’ve always wanted to take a road trip with you.” confessed Jason. “Where are we heading?” 

“Gansu Province. We’re just outside of Lhasa right now.” 

Tim tried not to stare at Jason. 

Instead he faced forward and turned the headlights on, cutting through the darkness. Tim backed the car out from behind the bushes and pulled back onto the road. Jason directed him onto the highway 109 that would take them all the way to Xining if they stayed on it. Tim tried to keep his expression neutral… tried to think positively for once in his life, but that rational part of his brain wasn’t shutting up easily. 

Tim knew how large Tibet was and he knew that they were on one end of the country and their destination rested on the other. It would take them two days to get there by car… two days for the anthrax to work its effects on Jason’s body, to spread through his lungs and cause all sorts of problems like fever, shortness of breath, and fatigue. Tim didn’t know how long Jason had or if there was anything he could do to slow the infection. More than ever Tim wanted to race to the nearest hospital and throw Jason into the hands of medical professionals, but he knew that wasn’t a viable option. If Ra’s were to catch up to them… 

A hand closed over Tim’s wrist and Tim jerked so hard he yanked the steering wheel to the left. He was quick to pull the car back onto their side of the road. Tim stared at Jason, who had his hands up by his head, drawn up and away from Tim, an automatic and unmistakable action to show Jason wasn’t a threat to him. The world outside the car had brightened considerably, the sun was now cresting over the mountains in the distance, and Tim wondered how long he had be driving while lost to his thoughts.

One of Jason’s hands came back down, so slow it seemed to take forever until Tim felt the warm brush of fingers against the bones of his wrist, rubbing light, calming, circles into his skin. 

“What are you thinking about, Tim?” Jason’s voice was a deep rumble in the quiet of the car. 

Tim hadn’t expected Jason to be the one doing the comforting. Afterall, Tim wasn’t the one that was dying… well that wasn’t entirely true. Watching Jason like this… knowing the outcome, it felt like a different kind of death. An internal bleed that all the doctors in the world wouldn’t be able to fix.

Tim sniffed and blinked back the water forming at the corners of his eyes. “Everything. I just can’t stop thinking about all of it. Ra’s and his motives, what’s happened between us, and what’s going to happen…”

“I want you to stop thinking for a little bit.” said Jason. 

At Tim’s hollow laugh, some of Jason’s fire came back. “ _ Just try, alright? _ When your thoughts start spiraling you get all…  disattached. I’m already dying. I don’t need to feel like I’m dying alone, especially when I’ve got the person I love most sitting right next to me.”

That brought Tim’s attention right back to the here and now. “Okay. I’ll try.”

Jason pulled his hand back and wrapped his arms around his middle, slumping back against the passenger door. “Good. So, I’ll admit that I’m more than a little surprised that we ending up here, on a roadtrip. Wanna explain to me how you got away from Ra’s?”

Tim was still a little confused on the details, himself, but he told him what he remembered. “It was mostly Talia’s doing. I smashed Ra’s in the head with a keyboard, or two, but if it weren’t for the men that she sent in to extract me, I wouldn’t have made it out of there.”

Jason choked on a laugh, like he wanted to release it out but wasn’t sure if it was the correct reaction under the circumstances. “I’m sorry, did you just say you hit the head of the world’s most powerful league of assassins in the head with a keyboard?”

“Or two.”

Jason looked almost gleeful. 

Tim looked at him when Jason continued to smile at him from his side of the car. “What! Do you want me to relish in that or something? Ra’s practically wiped the floor with me during that fight, which just serves as further proof that I’m completely out of my league. He’s outsmarted me, outmatched me in a fight, and now he’s got me on the run. In this horrifying chess game that has become our lives, I’m losing! I’m losing, Jason, and I have no idea what to do about it!”

“Hey,” said Jason in a voice that demanded Tim to remain calm. “We take the small victories when they’re presented to us. The attack was thwarted. We’re free of that prison. Now we have resources to rely upon, a head start on Ra’s, and the added advantage of him not knowing where we’re heading. Everything from here on out is going to be better.”

“Stop being so goddamn calm about this!” snapped Tim in a harsh tone. His confusion over Jason’s complete composure and newfound positivity had been building up since they got in the car and refused to be held in check any longer. “You’re the one that’s dying, remember!”

Tim wanted to admit that he regretted his words the minute they left his mouth, but that wouldn’t have been the truth. It had felt good to throw that fact back in Jason’s face for just a second. Just to try and break that calm composure that felt like a jab at Tim right about now. Tim, who was supposed to be the level-headed one right now. Who wasn’t dying. Tim, who had no idea if he was driving them into salvation or another trap.

For a moment it felt good… and then it didn’t. 

Tim squeezed his eyes closed, bracing for whatever came next. He was met with a long silence, as cold and dead as the landscape they were driving through.

“Wow,” Jason dragged out the word, like he was still processing Tim’s comment in his head. “You really suck at taking my mind off of my imminent death. Couldn’t even make it five minutes, could you?”

Tim scrambled for words to soothe the burn. “I’m sor—”

“No, you’re really not. Just stop lying, Tim. Stop lying about all of it. The mission is over. I just wanted to talk to you without having to worry about the consequences for once.”

“Well, what did you think would happen when you asked me about Ra’s al Ghul. The man who sent you to your death? How could I think of him and not make that connection?”

Jason shook his head, looking tired and lost all at once. “I don’t know. I just… I don’t know.”

Tim stared at the endless road that stretched out in front of them. His fingers clenched and unclenched the steering wheel. Tim thought back to just a few hours ago, the way they had clutch at each other like their lives depended on it. Now they were back to jabbing at any vulnerable point that was exposed to them. It felt to Tim like they had left some of their love for each other on the side of the road in Lhasa. Or maybe they hadn’t and they were just too consumed with their own internal troubles to see it clearly. 

Either way Tim didn’t want to make things any worse. “I don’t really feel like talking anymore… Maybe now would be a good time to call in. Let Dick know where to meet us.”

“Go ahead,” Jason grunted. “I’m going to sleep.”

Tim waited until Jason’s breathing had evened out before he placed the comm in his ear and made the call. He spared a glance at Jason, curled up in his sweats against the passenger door, with his arm tucked under his head. 

  “Tim?” Dick’s voice was full of concern. Tim blinked and pulled his eyes back towards the road. He hadn’t even heard the call connect.

“Yeah, I’m here. I’m here with Jason.”

“With Jason?” Dick asked. “We were so worried when he didn’t make it to our pickup spot in New York, but there wasn’t time to search for him with everyone dealing with the aftermath of the attack. How did he make it back to you?”

“I called in a favor with Bart.”

Dick’s voice was full of hesitation. “Is he alright?”

Tim was suddenly grateful that he was the only one in the car awake. He had a moment to lose himself to his emotions.  _ Just one moment, _ he told himself as his eyes watered and his throat constricted painfully, just a moment and then he would collect himself and keep going. He owed it to Jason to keep going.

Tim shook his head, even though Dick couldn’t see it. “He was exposed to the anthrax. I watched it happen. It’s killing him, Dick. He’s already getting weaker. And I can’t— I ca—” Tim took a harsh breath in an attempt to calm himself. “There might be a cure. In Gansu Province. We’re driving there now.”

“That’s a two day drive,” Dick sounded like he was reading the calculations off of the batcomputer. “Tim… I don’t want to worry you—” Tim could sense that Dick was trying to find the best way to word what needed to be said. “Jason might not—”

“I know,” Tim’s response was shaky. “I know, but I need to try.”

“Alright. What do you need me to do?”

“Meet us there. If Ra’s finds us, a quick escape is going to make all the difference in the world.”

“To pick you up I’m going to need a more specific address, Tim.”

“I can’t risk it until we get there. I’ll leave my comm on for you to track when we get there tomorrow.”

“Ok, we’ll do it your way.” 

That brought a small smile to Tim’s face. Dick always knew what Tim needed to hear, and right now he understood that Tim was a paranoid mess who needed to believe he had a plan that had a chance of succeeding.

They parted ways with only a few token words of luck to each other. Anything more would have brought back unpleasant emotions.  _ Better to stay focused on your new mission _ , Tim told himself. 

He looked over at Jason again, still sound asleep where Tim had left him. Tim pulled his thoughts away from the past. Away from the future as well, pushing away all those thoughts of death and the risks they would face. He focused his attention on the present. Here in this car. On Jason’s face and how the sunlight filtering in through the side window illuminated every strand of hair and the pale ghosts of freckles on his nose. Tim would take the hours that he had left with Jason and cherish them. He’d memorize Jason’s features so that they stayed in his mind forever. He had a new mission to fulfill and Jason was still with him till the end of the line. It seemed like both nothing and everything had changed since that first day. Tim didn’t know what the future held in store for them. Come heaven or hell, though, Tim knew that he and Jason would go through it together. Just like before.


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to apologize for how long it took me to update this story. It was mostly interference with my summer job and being too tired to write anything but also being stuck in the longest case of writer's block ever. Also, another apology for the pain and sadness of this chapter and any future pain to come further on. I hope you guys like this chapter and don't think it's too melancholy.

_“What if I lost all those things. Humor, wit, beauty. What if I lost it all and there was nothing left of me. And what if I were just a corpse. And what if I were less than that. Would you still love me? Would you tunnel into the ground until the sun came out so that you could have my body to hold?” —_ “ _Thunderbird_ ” _, Dorothea Lasky._

When Tim awoke from his short nap, he was alone in the cabin of the car. He blinked groggily at the space across from him, staring at the field of dried brown grass that rolled out in front of his eyes like waves on the ocean. The sunlight, where it cut through the blades, made them glow golden. The scene was almost beautiful and it lured Tim’s mind into complacency. It was a stupidly long minute before Tim realized he should only be able to see the leather interior of the passenger door from his slumped position in the driver’s seat. There was also the added problem of Jason disappearing from Tim’s side.

“ _Fuck._ ” Tim’s knee slammed into the underside of the dashboard in his hurry to shift his body up and over towards the empty seat beside him. Tim placed his palm on top of the cushion as his eyes continued to scan the area outside the car. He felt heat but it was impossible to say if it was from leftover body heat or from the sunlight that slanted across the right side of the car.

“Fuck, I should have never stopped the car. I should have never let Jason convince me to do something so fucking stupid.”

 _Just a few hours to rest your eyes_ , Jason had said. _You’re no good to anyone if you’re brain dead from fatigue. I’ll keep watch._ Tim blamed his exhaustion for his weak comeback that had lost him that argument.

Tim lifted his palm from the cushion and twisted around in his seat to scan the area that surrounded the car. He’d pulled them off the highway and parked them behind one of the long, squat buildings that dotted the landscape every ten minutes or so. It had been the only cover offered to them as the sun rose over the mountain tops and glided down over the barren, flat area they were in the process of crossing.

Tim stepped out of the car. He stood still for a long moment, shivering as his body adjusted from the cozy warmth of the car to the frigid, billowy, weather outside. Tim glanced around nervously. Despite the fact that his blood was pumping through his veins like a high speed train down the tracks, he knew that he needed to be careful about drawing attention to himself. Sleep hadn’t eased the feeling of eyes on him.

Jason was worth the risk and it wasn’t like Tim would be standing around like some defenseless prey, waiting to be picked off by a lurking predator.

He pulled the shotgun out of the backseat. The barrel had been sawed off to allow it to fit into the small space of the car. Tim held it out in front of him as he moved forward through the grass. Tim was aware of the weight of the shotgun, clumsy in his hands, and the way the tall grass brushed against his knees through the fabric of his pants.

“Jason!” called Tim.

He swiveled the shotgun from side to side as he walked, each step crunching. _Too loud_ . If Tim didn’t find Jason soon, they would surely be found by anyone hiding nearby. Just thinking about it made Tim’s stomach tie itself into knots. _What if Jason hadn’t just wandered off but was taken and being used to lure Tim away from safety?_

In the distance Tim spotted a grey mass, its body parting the grass around it. Tim broke into a run towards it, stumbling and jumping over divots hidden underneath the tall grass.

Tim stopped a foot away. There was perspiration dripping down the back of his neck by then. Jason was still and pale in front of his eyes. Tim watched the shallow rise and fall of his chest, reassuring himself with every breath he counted that Jason lived still.

It was strange how Jason’s name used to breathe freely from his lips and now it lodged in Tim’s throat, hiding inside of him like it was afraid it was the last time the name would be spoken.

“Jason.” It was more a croak than his name.

Jason groaned and shifted. Pale green eyes blinked up at him and quickly flickered from Tim’s worried face to the gun gripped in his hands.

“What’s wrong?” asked Jason.

“I woke up and you were missing. Did you fall asleep out here?”

Jason pushed himself upright into a sitting position and pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead with a groan. “No I— ugh— came out here to take a piss and I got a little lightheaded. I sat down to wait for it to pass but I don’t remember falling asleep.”

That didn’t exactly uncoil the knot in Tim’s stomach.

“Give me that,” Jason took the shotgun from Tim’s hand and placed it across his knees, then he reached for the hand that had held it only a minute ago. Jason’s hand was rough and warm in Tim’s own and Jason’s body was even warmer as Tim was pulled down to sit curled up against Jason’s side.

Jason tucked Tim’s head into the crook of his neck and planted his chin on top of Tim’s head. For a while they sat quietly, the only sounds were the wind in their ears and the cries of the vultures and saker falcons that circled the air.

Finally, Jason spoke.

“Tim… we need to have talk.”

Tim grunted a laugh at that. He was pretty sure he knew what Jason was ready to talk about now. “Why now? I’ve been trying to have this discussion with you since we started this journey and you’ve blocked my every attempt.”

Jason shrugged. “I needed a little normalcy… some time to collect my thoughts. And this needs to be discussed before thing get… _messy_.”

Jason sighed and wrapped Tim in his arm. He kissed the top of his head like a balm to soothe the pain he was about to inflict.

“If I don’t survive this, I don’t want you to try to bring me back again.”

Tim jerked so hard that he elbowed Jason in the ribs. The other boy coughed as the air was punched out of him, but refused to release him. Refused to look Tim in the eyes and see the hurt he was causing him. Jason was playing dirty to get his own way, but Tim couldn’t really blame him for trying.

“You can’t just—”

“I said no, Tim! No cheating death. I’ve already gone through that once against my will and it was worse than death. I never want to go through that again… it’s something that I believe you can only ever go through alone. And it’s so, _so,_ lonely. Better to die if it’s meant to be that way.”

“But Jason, if there’s a chance to bring you back, so that we can live out the rest of our lives together, how can you not take it?” asked Tim.

“Because,” said Jason. “I’d rather live a few days with you in safety then send you down a road that leads you back to the devil. We both know that only Ra’s al Ghul knows the locations of the lazarus pits. The man who sent me to my death isn’t going to bring me back to life without a price and I have a feeling that if I were to be resurrected, we wouldn’t be living out the rest of our lives together. If I send you to him, you wouldn’t be coming back.”

“What if we didn’t make a deal? We could infiltrate—”

“You’re telling me that you’re going to sneak into one of Ra’s compounds carrying my dead body?”

Jason’s disbelief was audible. Tim had angry tears in his eyes by then. He couldn’t tell who he was angry at, however. Perhaps the universe for pitting everyone and everything against them. It wasn’t fair. And it wasn’t right the way the world had conditioned Jason to be so accepting of death.

  “I just don’t understand how you can just sit here and let it happen. How can you not fight it?”

“I _have_ been fighting it. Since the day I was brought back.” Jason’s voice didn’t rise with anger, but there was a tinge to it that made Tim believe that he’d struck a nerve. “But it’s tiring fighting something that might have been destined a long time ago.”

 _He doesn’t believe he should be here_ , Tim realized with a pang in his chest. It hurt him to say the words, to let his thoughts wander down that dark road. “So what do you want me to do w— with your body? Afterwards.”

“Bring me home, I guess. Put me in the family plot.” Jason laughed, all dark humor. “Whatever you do, don’t leave me with the monks around here. That whole ‘sky burial’ is not my style. I don’t fancy being picked apart by vultures. I’m too pretty.”

He knew that Jason was trying to put a smile on his face, but Tim was too busy thinking _it’s not going to happen. It doesn’t matter that we’re talking about this because he’s not going to die_.

“Glad we talked about this. We should get going. There’s still a lot of ground to cover.”

Tim broke free of Jason’s grip and tried to rise and walk towards the car. Jason’s hand latched onto Tim’s forearm before he could move away.

“I need to hear you say, it, Tim. Promise me that you won’t resurrect me.”

Tim stared down at him. “I promise.” _An empty promise for an outcome that would never come to be_.

Tim got back into the driver’s seat and waited for Jason to join him. When he did, after the the other door closed with a click, Tim started the engine.

* * *

They were stopped for gas at a rinky-dink petrol station when Tim started to hear talk that had his thoughts taking a sudden worrying turn. _Who_ was it exactly that they were meeting? The thought hadn’t been in the forefront of his mind, he would willingly admit, but now they were there front and center.

There are certain things that are hard to describe in any spoken language, which usually means they are expressed in the same words every time. Like, for example, ‘bubbling green pit that brings the dead back to life’. That one was hard for Tim to miss even with his rusty understanding of Tibetan.

Tim’s eyes were drawn away from the numbers ticking the price of gas up, up, up, towards the two local men leaning close together as one of them made work on filling up a gas can. He didn’t dare hold his gaze there, instead shifting until he could glimpse them in the window’s reflection. All the while his ears were perked to the sound of their voices, piecing apart the foreign words and turning them into english as fast as he could.

The men’s voices took on a note of fear as they traded tails about a mysterious and deadly figure. Tim was ready to jump in the car and tear ass out of there, his thoughts swarming with Ra’s al Ghul and his servants, but the next bit of conversation had his hand stilling over the gas pump. For it wasn’t an eloquent and deadly man that they spoke of, but a woman, young, dark, and deadly. Tim would have sworn they were talking about Talia al Ghul but he knew that was impossible.

 _Who was she?_ Tim wondered. And that same nagging worry…  was Tim driving Jason further into danger or into salvation? He would only figure that out if he kept going and a large part of Tim understood that it was worth it to take the risk. He’d sworn to Jason that he wasn’t going to go searching for a lazarus pit, but Tim had started this adventure in search of a person. If a lazarus pit fell into his lap then so be it.

Tim could play dirty as well.  

* * *

When they pulled off the road thirty miles outside of their destination dusk had already begun to set over the area. It was still outside of the car except for the breeze that stirred the grass. Tim was ready to curl up for the night, his body yearning to move into it’s usual position up against the driver side door, no matter how uncomfortable it was. Before he could, however, Jason pushed open his door and walked around towards the back of the car. He popped the trunk, the interior lighting blinking on overhead.

Tim squinted his eyes against the light and turned around in his seat to watch as Jason rummaged through the contents in the trunk.

“What are you doing?” he asked and Jason started back around the side of the car. Tim caught sight of the item held in his hands. A blanket.

“Come on,” Jason urged.

Tim stepped out of the car and made his way around the front of the car, taking his time as he watched Jason fling the blanket out before him letting it spread out to lay over the tall stems of grass.

Jason sat down and Tim perched on the blanket beside him. At this position their bodies were completely hidden by the grass.

“What are we doing out here, Jason? It’s too cold for this.” said Tim, after a long moment of silence, “Can’t we go back into the car?”

“Not for this,” replied Jason.

Tim turned, confused, and found his lips captured by Jason’s. Tim hummed, the soft noise escaping without his consent. He’d forgotten how soft Jason’s lips were and how thoroughly Jason was able to take Tim apart with just the hot press of his tongue and the scrape of his teeth. It was different from their first time, Tim realized. There was no fear of being caught at any second and the burning heat that they’d showed each other that night so long ago had cooled to a caressing warmth. Enough to fight off the chill in the air.

It calmed Tim in a way that he couldn’t explain.

Jason laid him down on the blanket and stretched out his body over him. Their clothing was removed slowly, piece by piece, the warmth returning to their skin through searching hands and ghosting breaths.

It wasn’t long before Jason was pushing into him. Tim couldn’t help but notice how Jason’s body had changed since the last time he’d seen it. The moonlight cast both of their bodies in its pale light, but Jason’s skin seemed paler still and speckled oddly across his chest. Tim realized it was not freckles he was seeing and the added sight of Jason’s lank form, where it had once been toned and firm to the touch, struck him hard in the gut. When it hurt too much to look Tim let his eyes float up above Jason’s form as it rocked and gasped above him to stare at the star-filled sky. He would count the stars until he felt ready to return to where his body was spread out on the ground, but from then on Tim’s eyes stayed fixed on Jason’s face and nothing else. His eyes are beautiful enough sight, Tim told himself, the rest doesn’t matter.

When they’d finished, they laid together staring up at the sky.

Jason coughed, hunching into a tight ball on his side as the spasms racked through him. Tim felt a wetness splatter onto his naked chest before Jason laid back down breathing heavily. Tim touched his fingers to the streak of wet on his chest, but in the darkness it was impossible to say. If he wasn’t so smart he might have passed it off as nothing. If he wasn’t so smart he might not have looked towards Jason’s hand, where the side of his palm was streaked with the same darkness that was anything but saliva.

Jason was staring at his hand as well, but not with the same choked shock that had seized Tim. Tim’s limbs felt like they were full of ice, like he’d stayed in this frozen landscape to long and it had changed his DNA. The feeling didn’t last long within Tim. After all, how could it with the life that Tim led? Night after night with nothing but pain and shock and death, but that need to keep moving. Just keep moving and maybe things would turn out better. It never really did though, as least it never felt like it did. Not to Tim. No matter what he did… how far he went… everyone just kept leaving.

Tim stretched his hand out, sliding it through the grass in search of his discarded clothes. Why had he let Jason take his clothes off? Why had he distracted himself? Why was he always so stu—

Jason pulled him towards his chest. “Tim—”

“No!” Tim shoved at his chest, “Just let me get my clothes on and—”

“ _Tim_ ,” Jason’s strength wasn’t gone for good and what he did have he used to lock Tim’s arms in place. “Stop it, please. I just want to stay here. I just want to stop fighting it, Tim. I’m just so tired.”

Jason tucked Tim’s head against his chest. Tim was still trying to break his hold. “We’re so close, Jason—”

Jason shook his head. “Too much damage has already been done. Even if we did make it to this person, what would they do for me now? I’m terminal.”

He was right, Tim knew it like he knew his own name, but it hurt too much to admit it to himself. He couldn’t help the tears when they came, the flood breaking open and pouring out onto Jason’s warm skin. Not again, thought Tim. Not another one. Please God what would he have to do to stop the cycle?

As always there was no answer from the sky. Only Jason’s unsteady humming in his ear as his shoulders shook with sobs.


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter made me horribly depressed while writing it, so be prepared going into this guys. I hope we can all share our feelings about how painful this chapter was.
> 
> Update: For anyone interested in some extras/behind the scenes on inspiration for this story I'm posting links to pinterest mood boards that I've made for Jason and for Tim for this story. There are spoilers as these are updated repeatedly by me whenever I find something new, so be warned.
> 
> Jason's: https://www.pinterest.com/mbutera366/collisions-in-the-dark-jason/  
> Tim's: https://www.pinterest.com/mbutera366/collisions-in-the-dark-tim/

_ “You felt no reality, no knife of sorrow cut your intestines to bits. Only a weariness, a longing for a shoulder to sleep on, a pair of arms to curl up in – and a lack of that now.” — _ “ The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath ”, Sylvia Plath

The pond water was a murky brown, stems of grass and broken twigs bobbing on the surface. Tim watched the water swirl into a deeper shade of brown as he washed the residue off  his hands and arms. By the time he’d finished his fingers were stiff with cold and blue at the tips, but he stayed crouched at the edge of the water. His fingers threaded the surface.

Tim closed his eyes briefly and listened to the quietness around him. The soothing sound of foreign bird calls. The wind through the trees. The water splashing up against the muddy edge. 

He  _ hated  _ the peacefulness of the day, the way it did not stop when Tim’s own world had come to a crashing halt. The way it didn’t storm, dark clouds rolling over the plain, thunder booming like the coming of the apocalypse, lightning striking at trees and setting them ablaze. Why was the world so calm? Didn’t it care for the life it had just taken, the life that would soon be placed into the heavy embrace of the earth?

Tim wanted chaos. He wanted broken.

He plunged his arm into the water coming up with a handful of stones. He shifted, his knees splashing into the water as he fell off balance in his hurry, the foul smelling water soaking into his jeans. The rocks he hurled  _ one, two, three _ as far as he could across the pond with a savage scream.

Tim reached for more, finding only the soft earth under his fingers. Tim snarled and pounded the water with his fists, his fury breaking down to show what it truly masked… a painful sense of loneliness. Always alone… was his touch truly so poisonous? Was he only meant for men like Ra’s al Ghul? As cold and ancient as the earth itself.

Tim sobbed and burrowed his fingers into the mud. He curled inwards. 

“Why him?” he whispered to the earth. “Why are you always trying to bury him? Were you angry at him for cheating death? Was this some kind of revenge?”

Cold and cruel and silent. Tim would never know the answer to his questions or that of the ones he’d asked before. 

He rose to his feet in his mud covered jeans and trudged back towards the car, his feet as heavy as his heart. The slip of paper he’d burned days ago but he still longed to know who their would-be-savior was. Not that it mattered anymore. 

Tim stared at Jason’s body propped up against the wheel of the car, his head lolling to the side. 

Jason’s body… it hadn’t been more than a few days ago that Tim had expected to see such a sight. Back when Tim was on the floor staring at a blank screen, Jason’s hacking breaths and sputtered words echoing in his ears. How quick his heart had stiched itself back together when they were reunited and how quick the cruelties of the world were to tear those stitches open anew. 

Tim was glad he couldn’t see Jason’s eyes glazed over in death. No, the worst sight was the blood and bile that stained Jason’s chin and shirt collar. The same that had stained Tim’s hands only moments ago. Tim had shifted him up when Jason started coughing blood. Choking on it. He’d shoved Jason up against his shoulder, hands fisted tightly in his hair and shirt as he tried to get Jason to draw a clean breath, pleas of  _ please, God, please _ on his lips.

Despite what they’d both hoped for, Jason had not passed away quickly. Useless… he’d been utterly useless in saving Jason’s life. All he could do was hold him tight until Jason fell limp into his arms. 

He needed to move the body. Despite how much Tim wanted to walk away and let someone else do the job, he knew that there was no one here to take up the task. Tim forced himself to move, he headed to the trunk and opened it up. The supplies that he could do without landed in a pile in the dirt. It was quite a lot as there was only him now. By the time he was done a large chunk of space had been cleared in the back. 

Tim took the blanket from the passenger seat and spread it out on the ground. With a pang he realized it was the one Jason had burrowed into while Tim filled up the tank the day before. He swallowed thickly and gripped Jason under the arms, dragging him over and onto the blanket. Tim made sure to keep his eyes averted as he folded Jason’s arms against his chest and tucked the blanket around him. It wasn’t until Jason’s face was covered that Tim’s eyes shifted upwards.

Then it was more dragging, around the car and into the trunk. Tim opened the driver door and fell into the front seat. 

Tim pulled the comm out of his pocket and stared at it. He should call the cave… his family deserved to know. They needed to bring Tim home. But how was Tim supposed to tell them that he had Jason’s body in the trunk of his car? How was he supposed to tell them that he’d screwed up the mission and gotten Jason killed as a result? 

They’d come so close to their destination, only for Tim to let Jason die. He’d stayed put so as not to cause Jason anymore pain, but  _ this _ felt so much worse. It felt like giving up. 

Tim looked up at the rear view mirror. Jason’s body was just visible in the corner. Tim had taken the passenger seat in his own life for a week now, being push and pulled in any direction. Too afraid to fight back. Not anymore, he needed to know that he’d done all that he could, fought against death until the very end, before he could make peace with himself. Jason had forced an unreasonable promise on Tim. One he couldn’t expect Tim to keep after all he’d been through. If Jason truly wanted to keep Tim away from Ra’s al Ghul he’d know that the only way to do that was to stay by his side. 

Tim keyed the engine and drove the rest of the way towards his destination.  

* * *

Tim leaned against the parked car and stared across the street at the Yellow River, its strong current pulling along clay and silt, lending it its muddy brown color. He reached back through the open window of the passenger side and pulled the weather-worn map out, opening it against his body as the wind threatened to yank it from between his fingers. Tim traced a dirt caked finger down the long spindly path of the river until he reached the given coordinates. Tim circled the spot in pen and jogged across the street towards the line of boats docked against the riverbank.

At first, the sailor that Tim approached thought he was another tourist wanting a private transport to the grottoes. Apparently the location was a religious site, a popular attraction on the river tour route. Tim assumed the man’s eagerness to help him had something to do with Tim’s lost expression and the handful of crumpled bills he carried. 

The smile slipped off his face, however, when Tim convinced him to walk with him to his car and showed him the body laid out in his trunk. 

The man’s hands went up hurriedly, keeping Tim at a distance. He shook his head quickly speaking in accented English. “No— no ride. I don’t go there for that. Not to lady. I don’t go there.”

It had to be the same woman that Tim had heard talk of before.

“To the lady? You know about her?”

“Everybody knows. People bring dead and they come back alive. But not the same. Bad spirits in them.”

Tim thought back to what he’d heard of Jason’s resurrection. The pit rage that had made him into no more than a zombie before Talia brought him back to himself. Yes… Tim could definitely see why they would say the people came back with bad spirits in them. Jason had once told him you lose something in that water. _ You come back to life but a piece of you doesn’t come with you _ . 

“Please,” Tim begged, he dug out whatever cash he had left and extended it towards the man. “I need you to take me there.”

He gestured between himself and Jason’s prone form, wondering how he could convey what he needed to say to this man. “I need to bring him back.”

Tim crushed his handful of crinkled bills against his chest, his eyes watering at the freshness of the wound he was poking at. “Please, he’s all I have. I— I can’t do it anymore. Not without him.”

The sailor looked at him like Tim was a wounded animal, exposed on the ground, in need of saving. He placed his hand on top of Tim’s own and pulled the bills free from Tim’s clutches. The man stood there and counted the bills, pulled out a few and stacked the rest neatly into a pile. He slipped the stack back into Tim’s pants pocket.

He smiled sadly at Tim. “Stay. I buy cart.”  

Tim watched him walk up the street towards the street market full of fish and meat vendors. The man came back ten minutes later with a rolling cart stained with fish guts like the man had convinced a vendor to part with it for a high price that would cover the day’s sales. Tim disliked the idea of placing Jason’s body on it, but knew he didn’t have any better options. They couldn’t just carry him like a rolled up carpet across the street and into the boat. It would cause a panic. 

Together they shifted Jason onto the cart and threw a blanket over top.  Tim pushed from behind, with the man walking along the side of it, his hand keeping it on the correct path. There were some curious glances from other sailors who were tying up their boats on the dock as Tim helped lift Jason off the cart and into the bed of the boat. One of the onlookers called out, an obvious question not matter the language being spoken. Whatever Tim’s new friend said in reply seemed sufficient enough to dispel the man’s curiosity.

It wasn’t long until they were pulling out from the dock and merging with the traffic of the other boats heading downriver. The wind was stronger out on the water and Tim yanked his jacket closed, fending of the cold from his hunched position at the front, his feet planted on either side of Jason’s head. At the back of the boat, the man navigated them with one hand on the motor. 

No words were spoken during the ride, though Tim’s navigator did start humming a tune low in his throat. Tim listened for a while. He could only pick out the low notes over the wind in his ears and the churn of the motor. The carefree tune of it had Tim’s thoughts slipping back to his last night with Jason. No surprise there… Jason’s death was a fresh wound in Tim’s gut and anything that he seemed to do afterwards only caused a little more blood to seep out. 

He saw Jason everywhere around him, except for the cold body that lay between his feet. Though that body had Jason’s face, Tim knew that it wasn’t him… couldn’t be him. For Jason was warm hands that seemed to alternate between holding you like he was afraid of breaking you and gripping you too tight like you might slip away. He was clear eyes that saw too much of you, the parts you thought you’d hidden. His words as rough as his stubble scraping against your neck. 

That was Jason. Physical. Alive. Not this corpse beside Tim. 

The world around Tim grew darker, as if someone had put their hand up to blot out the sky. Tim looked up towards the sky and was surprised to see rocks, twin pillars of stone jutting up into the sky to form an entrance into the channel they were now sailing down.

The man grunted to get Tim’s attention and pointed towards land. 

Tour boats were docked up against the river’s edge where a set of wide steps were carved into the ruddy colored rock. Along the rough slabs of rocks that walled them in, enormous  Buddha statues stared down on them in quiet contemplation. 

The sight of it all was daunting for more than one reason. The place where Tim was going to raise Jason from the dead was a tourist trap? Tim thought trying to navigate the fish market with Jason’s body was bad enough, but this… 

The man seemed to read Tim’s thoughts. “The lady, she is not here. Further on. A place that only locals know about.”

Tim could only give a shaky nod in response. He was finally here, but he still wasn’t sure he was ready for what came next. There was no way to predict the outcome. Tim was literally going in blind and he didn’t want to think about all of the bad outcomes… and perhaps the worse outcome of all, that nothing would change. That he’d still be the boy with the dead bodies weighing him down. 

The boat bumped against rock and the motor was cut. 

Tim blinked at the alcove in front of him. After a moment his eyes found the steps leading down into darkness. 

The man helped Tim lift the body out of the boat but did nothing more than that. Tim understood well enough. He would be going the rest of the way alone, as it was meant to be. Whatever happened after this moment, it was on his hands alone.

“Thank you,” said Tim.

The man started the boat motor with a tug. The only indication he gave of hearing Tim was a slight tip of his head. Then he was shoving off the wall and turning back the way they’d come.

Tim watching him until the boat was out of sight and the ripples that trailed behind it had smoothed out to the regular flow of the current. 

There was heat against Tim’s back, a sensation he noticed too late as a knife pressed against his throat. Tim stepped back, coming up against the hard outline of another figure. 

“Don’t move,” The knife jerked sharply under Tim’s chin. 

Tim squeezed his eyes shut tight. 


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: For anyone interested in some extras/behind the scenes on inspiration for this story I'm posting links to pinterest mood boards that I've made for Jason and for Tim for this story. There are spoilers as these are updated repeatedly by me whenever I find something new, so be warned.
> 
> Jason's: https://www.pinterest.com/mbutera366/collisions-in-the-dark-jason/  
> Tim's: https://www.pinterest.com/mbutera366/collisions-in-the-dark-tim/

_ “You are a fever I am learning to live with, and everything is happening at the wrong end of a very long tunnel.” — _ ” Straw House, Straw Dog ”,Richard Siken.

“Don’t move,” The metal pressed hard against his neck and Tim couldn’t help the gasp that escaped him. Fingers dug into his shoulder. Tim could feel the force on the grip, every finger discernible through the layers of clothes he wore. 

There were more people now. Tim could sense them behind him in the shifting of air and clothing. 

“Signal the Demon Head. Tell them to bring the helicopter around to our location.

The knife was removed right before Tim was kicked in the back of the knees, sending him crashing to the ground. Tim caught himself with his hands out of reflex. He didn’t need to lift his hands to see that the skin there was scraped raw. The throbbing sensation told him all he needed to know. The feel of grit in the wounds. Sharp. Taunting him.

One of the people behind him spoke quietly into a comm unit. 

Tim didn’t dare to look over his shoulder, instead beseeching the earth under his burning palms. He turned his head ever so slightly, eyes on the shadow of the man, stretched across the ground across Tim’s shoulder by the midday sun.  “Please.  _ Please _ . Just let me do this for him and then I’ll go with you. I’ll go.”

_ I’m so close _ , thought Tim.  _ It can’t end here _ .

“No.”

Tim almost wanted to laugh at the cruelness of it. 

_ Game over. No more moves to get you out of this one, Drake. _

Perhaps there were more moves to be explored, but Tim didn’t want to play this game anymore. Better to lay down his King and surrender the board to his opponent. But still… 

Tim thought if it was going to end it would have been more dramatic. Not this do-not-pass-go bulls—

The trio of gunshots sounded loud enough to cause a small rockslide. Tim cringed inwards, cheek pressed against the stone, bracing for some kind of  impact that never came. 

A hand grabbed him roughly by the jacket and jerked him onto his back. A gun, still smoking, was shoved in Tim’s face, but it wasn’t the shiny instrument that could seal Tim’s fate that had his eyes fixed. No… it was the face of a woman with eyes dark, wreathed in smudged kohl eyeliner. The effect it gave off was like elegant war paint. 

“Tell me your name.” Her tone was blunt and jarring enough to leave Tim staring at her like the words she was speaking weren’t English. They most definitely were, though there was an accent that Tim couldn’t place.

“Your name!” she shouted. Her hair, chopped roughly into an angled bob, blew against the side of her face. She dropped to her knees and pressed the gun to the center of Tim’s forehead.

Her voice lowered but her words were no less rough.  “Tell me your name before I kill you out of sheer impatience alone. I don’t have time to waste standing out in the open where anyone can see.”

Tim found his voice finally. “Tim Drake.” he said. 

The gun fell away from Tim’s head, her grip losing all of its tension at once. 

“Christ, it is you.” she groaned, eyes traveling to the dead men next to them. She didn’t seem to feel particularly bad about shooting them in the back.

Her gaze fell on Jason and lingered. 

“You’re here to bring him back, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

She tilted her head, a scrutinizing expression evident in her gaze.

“Is he really worth it?” 

Tim swallowed and said with some conviction. “Yes.”

The woman nodded then proceeded to yank him to his feet. He was pulled down a set of stairs that led into the dim interior of the cave. Tim wrestled around in her grip for a moment. He couldn’t just leave Jason lying out there in the cold. But as he turned to look back he saw two men lifting Jason’s covered form and following in their wake down the steps.

“If someone asked my father the same question about you, he would answer the same.”

She glanced over her shoulder, expression disinterested. “I’m inclined to say fuck both of you and your pledges of love if only so that the rest of the planet doesn’t have to suffer the consequences of your selfishness. The both of you would raze the earth to keep the one you love.” 

Her smile was sharp and luminescent in the torchlight glow. “You want to disagree but I can see in your eyes that it’s true. There’s a determination lurking behind those pretty blue eyes that refuses to die out.”

Tim stopped walking. There was a lot to unpack in such a statement, but Tim started with the most pressing. “I’m sorry…  _ your father? _ ”

She stopped walking and turned to face him. That disinterested expression was back though Tim was starting to get the feeling that it hadn’t ever left. Nor would it. 

“Don’t play the idiot. We both know you’re smarter than that otherwise Ra’s wouldn’t be pursuing you to the ends of the earth. He doesn’t waste his time on anyone he deems beneath him.”

The pieces were fitting into place, like a jumbled up puzzle. Tim had been given the corner pieces and now he could figure out the rest of the image. Nyssa Al Ghul. Ra’s other daughter. Talia’s sister. It was no wonder Talia had told Tim to come here. 

“You’re supposed to be dead.” he said.

Nyssa shrugged and started descending the rest of the way down the stairs. “And you’re supposed to be Ra’s’ heir, the one he would leave his empire to. So?”

“So, if you hate my  _ cause _ so much then why are you helping me?” asked Tim as he rounded the last few steps and entered into a large cave cast in an eerie green glow. Tim’s stride faulted as his gaze fell on the swaying waters of the lazarus pit. 

Nyssa smiled. “Simple. As much as I hate this selfish, teenage puppy love that you and Jason Todd have for each other. I hate Ra’s so much more. And if bringing Jason Todd back to life is what keeps you fighting against my father, then I’ll help you. If only to keep you from joining him. I don’t think the world is ready to see what two calculating minds like yours and his can do together.”

Tim hugged his elbows, eyes still glued to the lazarus pit. “I don’t think I’m ready to find out either.”

The men shuffled past them to the edge of the lazarus pit. Jason body was lowered carefully onto the ground. Tim had to force himself not to look away when Jason’s body was unwrapped, the sheet falling open to expose his face, pale and tinged blue around the lips. His eyes looked like storm clouds, covering out that pale green that Tim so adored. 

Nyssa placed a hand on Tim’s shoulder. “We don’t have much time, but I need you to know what you’re getting into before you blindly agree to go forward with this.”

“What do you mean? Will Jason go pit-crazed like before?” asked Tim.

Nyssa shook her head. “The risk is not Jason’s. It’s yours. There is a reason that someone can only be brought back from the dead with the lazarus pit once in their life. You get one free pass, I don’t think anyone really knows why, but after that it comes at a price.”

Tim swallowed, mouth dry. “What— What’s the price?”

“A life for a life.”

“So to bring Jason back… I’d have to die?”

Nyssa smiled. “Not exactly. You’d just be giving up your get out of death free card.”

Tim stared into the depths of the lazarus pit. “So if I bring Jason back… I lose a life. And, later on, if someone tries to bring me back…”

“It wouldn’t be Jason. That’s for sure. He doesn’t have anything left to barter with death. But whoever does it, they’d lose their freebie, and then the next person, and the next… Ra’s has had his servants sacrificing themselves in honor of him for centuries. They give up their second chance in order to prolong his existence.”

“That’s vile.”

“It’s fitting. Death is a grizzly business. So why should thwarting it be a graceful affair?”

Nyssa’s eyed him as if he were a child. Compared to her, with what she knew about the world, he probably was one. 

“So now you know the risks. Do you accept the terms of the pit? A life for a life.”

Tim nodded. “My second life for his. Anyway… I wouldn’t want a second life in a world without him. Who would I live for if not for him?”      

Nyssa smiled a smile all lips and no teeth. 

“Good. Wade into the pit.”

Tim moved to the edge of the pit where a set of stone steps led down into the murky green water. He took the first step, water filling his shoes and soaking the edges of his pants. He kept walking until his clothes hung heavy on him as the weight of water saturated the fabric and clung to his arms and torso. He had expected a supernatural jolt to travel through his body once he’d immersed himself in the water. Nothing. It just felt like… water. Tim kept moving forward, only stopping when he was standing in the center of the pool, green water lapping at the top of his ribs as it rippled around him. 

He turned, shivering, to face Nyssa. She was crouched at the edge of the pool, hands resting on top of Jason’s body.

“What now?” His breath frosted the air in front of him.

“Pull him into the pit with you and submerge the both of you under the water together. That’s when the pit effect’s will start to work.”

Tim waded over towards Jason’s body. He grasped onto Jason’s wrist. His wet hand soaked the sleeve of Jason’s shirt a dark blue. Submerged in the icy water, Tim’s fingers were almost as blue as Jason’s.

Footsteps hurried down the stone steps that led into the cave. Nyssa turned her head in the direction of the disturbance. Tim’s eyes slid past her head in the same direction. It was one of the men who’d carried Jason’s body down to the cave. He came around the corner of the stairs and jerked to a stop. 

“What is it?” Nyssa asked, voice sharp and alert to the distress emanating from the figure. She got an answer, though it came in the form of a sword thrusting through the man’s torso. 

Nyssa sprinted to the wall and yanked a spear free from the wall. She returned to stand next to Jason’s body, eyes glued to the man skewered on the blade. 

The man stared briefly at the blade protruding from his body before he jerked forward, the blade dislodging with a horrible wet sound that had Tim’s stomach doing somersaults at he looked on. The man collapsed where he stood. Ra’s al Ghul scraped the bottom of his bloodstained shoe on the ground. It painted a red streak across the stone.

Tim’s grip tightened on Jason’s cold wrist. His fear was visible as the air before him fogged from his shaky breathing. Tim sunk his teeth into his bottom lip and tried to calm himself even though he knew that Ra’s had noticed it as well. Tim was terrified and they both knew it.

“Timothy, get out of the water.” 

Ra’s stepped calmly over the bleeding man, bloody sword held easily at his side. His cold stare pinned Tim to the spot, like a butterfly under a magnifying glass.

“Don’t.” Nyssa hissed at him. She widened her stance, spear held at the ready.

Ra’s eyed her curiously. “Think carefully about your next move, Nyssa. I wouldn’t want to have to kill you right after finding out you’ve been alive for all these years.”

Nyssa didn’t so much look at Tim as angle her head in his direction. 

“Remember to hold your breath.”

She planted her boot against Jason’s hip and shoved. Tim was standing too close. The weight of dead limbs fell on top of him, hitting him in the chest and knocking him backwards off his feet. Tim only had enough time to gasp a breath and wrap his arms around Jason’s torso before Jason’s body weight pressed him under the icy water.

Jason was the anchor tied around Tim’s legs, dragging him to the bottom of the sea.

Tim’s eyes burned as he stared up through the water, trying to see Nyssa and Ra’s head off against each other, swords coming together in the clash of metal against metal. Tim’s back knocked against the rocky bottom of the pit, Jason’s weight crushing the air from his lungs. His mouth opened in a silent, watery gasp of pain, air bubbling up to the surface. 

Nothing happened.

He squeezed his eyes shut, and for a frantic moment thought he might drown before he could bring Jason back.

Then Tim felt a burning sensation starting up inside of him. Flashes of white light burst behind his eyelids. The pit waters were starting to take effect. 

Tim gripped Jason tightly and gave himself up to the pit’s power.

The flashes came faster now, shuttering bursts of light exploding behind his eyes until, suddenly, everything erupted into a single blinding light. Murky colors came flooding in from the edges of Tim’s vision. They swirled and danced before Tim’s eyes, never forming any image or shape.

Tim’s lungs burned with the need for air. A booming rattle reverberated through the ground. The water tremored around Tim’s prone form. 

He opened his watery eyes to see what had caused it, but his vision was already fading to black.

* * *

Tim jerked into consciousness with a gasp that filling his lungs with water. He opened his eyes to dark water. Around him the world was exploding with distant noise. The sensation was similar to listening to far off thunder. A dull roar that you felt more in your bones than heard with your ears. There was the thud of something large dropping into the water and Tim turned his head to see a chunk of stone sinking to the pit floor next to him. 

His body seized and twisted with the need to breath, but his limbs were so heavy they felt anchored to the pit floor. 

Something seized his arm and yanked him upwards towards the noise and lights. Tim blinked blearily at the hand locked in a vice grip around his elbow and let his gaze travel upwards to the dark hair that shifted sluggishly with the motion of the water. 

_ Jason _ , Tim had a moment to think before he was pulled above the surface of the water into a world that was falling to pieces around them. 

Tim crawled up onto the steps, coughing up mouthfuls of water with every breath. He stared up through watery eyes at the scene in front of him. There was a wide rent in the cave ceiling, streaming sunlight across the ground, light catching on the craters left in the ground by fallen rocks. The cave’s interior had been turned into a battlefield, groups of people dancing in combat around boulders and dead bodies. 

Tim was startled to see the Batwing parked in the cave’s interior, ramp dropped open at the back and left that way. His eyes found Bruce and Dick fighting beside Nyssa, the three of them alternating attacks between Ra’s and his ninjas. Dick caught sight of Tim as he was pivoting away from an enemy’s strike. He lashed out with a kick to his foe’s torso and risked turning back towards Tim, screaming out towards him. Whatever he said was lost among the cacophony of noise, but the jerk of his head towards the Batwing got his meaning across. 

Tim choked up more water, wishing he could stop the shaking in his limbs enough to get his feet under him and head into the fray. As it was now, though, he’d probably only succeed in getting himself captured or killed. 

He knew he needed to move. Instead he turned his head and stared at Jason, his body hunched next to him as he hacked into a fist. Water streamed from his hair and shoulders. 

Tim gripped Jason’s wet sleeve with shaking fingers. He couldn’t believe he was alive, but the evidence was all there. Tangible under Tim’s fingertips. Shaking from the cold. 

“ _ Jason _ ,” his name came hoarsely from his lips. Jason shifted, eyes finding him under a tangle of wet hair. He squeezed Tim’s fingers so tightly that it hurt. Tim was tempted to pull free, but before he could Jason was stumbling to his feet, dragging Tim up with him.  

They hurtled forward into the strife in a reckless, heedless way that was possible only for the truly weary and wounded. They clutched each other, fists knotted tight in jackets and sweatshirts, bodies pressed flushed against each other, using the other’s weight to keep themselves upright. 

It was a relief when strong hands latched onto them, lifting their failing forms off their feet. Tim was hefted over a solid set of shoulders. He stared disjointedly at Jason as he was lifted into Bruce’s arms, head pressing against the hard line of Bruce’s kevlar suit.

Dick ran up the ramp of the Batwing, Tim’s head jostling with each step. He was placed on the floor of the aircraft, back propped up against a cabinet. Bruce shifted Jason off into Dick’s hands and hustled past them towards the controls. Jason couldn’t keep his feet for more than a minute before they crumpled under him.

“Woah, easy. Easy.” Dick eased him to the ground. His eyes kept flickering worriedly to the fighting that the bottom of the ramp. Nyssa and her men wouldn’t be able to hold them off forever.

“Bruce, get us out of here already!” Dick shouted. Tim stared at him as he slammed his palm against a button on the wall. The ramp started to close as the engines roared to life. The aircraft lifted off the ground, the ramp still hanging halfway open.

Dick turned just in time to see a blade spiraling towards his chest. He threw himself sideways and watched as the blade slammed into the wall by Tim’s head and clattered into Tim’s lap. Tim couldn’t muster up the energy push it onto the floor.

Dick was next to him in an instant, hands checking him for injuries. 

“Are you alright? Did it hit you?”

Tim clutched at Dick’s wrist, ceasing his movements. He was so tired. He just wanted to sleep.

“Fine, I’m—”

“ _ Timothy! _ ”

Tim words abandoned him as he watched Ra’s, now empty handed, struggle towards them against the press of bodies. The last thing he saw was Ra’s’ savage expression fixed upon him  before the ramp closed completely.  

Tim’s body gave a violent shiver right before he passed out.  


	14. Chapter 13

_ “The heart beats, and beats, and beats. This is something you forget. He will not touch you, and you cannot see violence in this light. That is night, softened blows and knife edge turned petal. (He swears it is a flower, will always be. But you would not be here, if you thought the same.) You are unsettled by pleas from a dead boy you keep alive. _

_ Wrap a rope around everything in your possession, are you in control, or is it meant to be tied to the bed of a truck, to be chased down the highway and run over, over, all pretense left for dead. _

_ Are you wringing yourself dry again? Now? The day has just learnt your name, you cannot take back what was given away. Not when it is this. Stay, you are told. As if you could leave him.” _ — “ Home ”,  T.W

Tim blinked his eyes open. His cheek rubbed against the cool fabric of a pillow pressed up against the side of his head. He pushed up from the soft mattress he’d been laid out on, instantly regretting it as all of his aches made themselves known to him. He grimaced and looked around the room. He wasn't in the cave and he wasn't in his room. 

Tim squinted at the window through the bright glare of the sun. From the low view he guessed he was in a spare room on the first floor of the manor.

The wood floors creaked and Tim turned to see Bruce standing in the doorway. He smiled when he saw Tim was awake. Tim combed out his bed head self-consciously, unsure of what to say to him after so long.

He settled for something simple, hoping Bruce would pick up the slack. 

“Hey.”

Bruce didn’t disappoint. 

“We thought we should move you to somewhere more comfortable than the cave, but we wanted you close to medical supplies in case something came up.”

“Did anything come up?” 

Bruce’s smile waned. “No. If you were injured before, well… the Lazarus pit took care of it.”

The only thing it healed for Tim was a broken heart. He guessed that counted. The thought of Jason had Tim swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

“Is Jason—”

Bruce rushed forward to stop him with a hand to his shoulder. “He’s with Dick. Resting. You should too.”

Tim leaned back into the bedding. He got the feeling he was being confined to his room and it sure wasn’t for his own well-being. “Is there something we need to talk about?”

Bruce hesitated. After a moment he sat on the edge of the bed. When his hand rested on Tim’s knee, Tim’s gut shrank in on itself. Bruce didn’t do fatherly pats unless he was truly concerned.

“Jason’s been a bit on edge since we got back to the cave.”

“That’s understandable.” 

After all, Jason had just come back from the dead. Again. Tim felt like he was crawling out of his skin, himself. He remembered the last look he’d gotten of Ra’s. His expression had been full of such fury that Tim half expected to see him looming over him when he woke up. He still couldn’t believe that he was free of him. He wasn’t naive, however, he knew it would only be a matter of time before he saw signs of the Demon Head’s presence in Gotham. 

Bruce cleared his throat. “He said that he doesn’t want to see you right now.”

That… was not so understandable to Tim. He didn’t want to see him? Even though Tim was the one that he’d gone through all of that shit with? He didn’t want to see Tim, the boy that he said he loved?

Tim tried to be understanding, but that really hurt. 

Tim swallowed. “Alright, I guess.”

Bruce squeezed his knee. “Just give him a few days.”

Tim rubbed at his jaw and shrugged. “Yeah, yeah. No I get it. I just thought that he’d want to talk about…” His eyes flashed uncertainly to Bruce and then back to the bedding before finishing lamely, “ _ things _ .”

“Maybe we should talk about some of those  _ things _ . We’ll debrief your mission here.” said Bruce. 

Tim had never wanted to bolt for the door more than he did in that moment. He knew that was juvenile, however, so instead he shifted uneasily and forced himself to ask, “Ok. What do you want to talk about?”

“Did you kill anyone while on mission?”

“No.” 

_ Lie _ , he thought. He’d killed Jason. He knew it wasn’t rational to think that, that it didn’t make sense since he’d done everything in his power to keep Jason alive, but he couldn’t shake his feelings of guilt no matter how hard he tried. 

He tried to focus back on Bruce’s clear voice as he asked the next question.

“Was your true identity compromised in anyway while on mission?”

He hadn’t really thought when Bruce said ‘debriefing’ he actually meant debriefing. Honestly, though… he should have known better by now.

Tim rubbed at the back of his neck and looked up at Bruce through his hair. “Are these really the questions you want to ask me right now? You literally just battled Ra’s al Ghul to save my ass and you’re… ”

Tim cut himself off with a shake of his head. 

Bruce paused and sat up straighter on the bed. “Is there something you think I should be asking you?”

Tim didn’t want to start anything he wasn’t prepared to finish. And he wasn’t sure he’d hold up in any kind of argument in his current state. 

Tim sighed and answered Bruce’s last question.

“No, my identity was not compromised. Jason and Ra’s already knew me as Tim Drake. I didn’t give my name to anyone else while there.” 

He told himself that Nyssa al Ghul didn’t count. She was an ally and like all of the members of the Al Ghul family, she already knew his name. 

“Do you feel like you participated in anything unethical while completing your mission?”

Tim closed his eyes, his brow crinkling together. He tried to keep his emotions in check, but Tim couldn’t help himself at that one. He gave a soft laugh. 

Tim flashed Bruce a cynical smirk when he stared in confusion at his adopted son. “I’m not really sure how to answer that one. What qualifies as unethical, exactly, when your mission is to sleep with your enemy to gain his trust and his secrets?”

Bruce’s mouth tightened. No doubt with disapproval at Tim’s tone. 

“Did you break any laws?”

Tim shrugged. “Vigilantees break the law all the time. Vigilantees sleeping with ecoterrorists break it a lot more. I think you should rephrase the question.”

“Are you angry with me for something? If I remember correctly, this mission was your idea not mine. And let me also remind you that you were the one to suggest bringing Jason into this. Not me.”

That had Tim’s words catching in his throat.  _ He blames me for Jason’s death. He’d never say that to my face, but he’s definitely thinking it. _

“Could you blame me for wanting him there? For wanting  _ any _ ally on my side? If I hadn’t suggested it, you would have sent me in there alone. And that’s the problem, isn’t it? You have no understanding of what this mission was like for me. Yes, I suggested it, but really what choice did you leave me? You knew I wouldn’t stand by and let civilians die.”

“I don’t understand. You have all the training you need to run a solo mission. How is this any different?”

Tim cracked. He couldn’t believe something like this had to actually be stated.

“Because he scares me, Bruce! I shouldn’t have had to ask Jason in the first place! Not on a mission that requires me to sleep with the man that has made it his mission to dominate me. You should have cared enough about my safety to send someone in with me right after I told you my plan!”

“If you had concerns, Tim, you should have said something. I’m sorry that I didn’t pick up on how this was affecting you, but what I did, or did not do, was because I was trying to minimize any damages in the future. And my actions don’t change the fact that you involved Jason in this mission and then engaged in a relationship with him that endangered the outcome of the mission and Jason’s life.”

Tim wanted to ask him how he knew about their relationship, but then he remembered. 

_ Dick _ .

Dick was with Jason. He could get anyone to open up. Tim’s eyes narrowed. “At the time, my  _ relationship _ with Jason was nothing more than a one night stand. The only thing it endangered was Ra’s’ pride when he realized that I was attracted to someone younger than him.”

Bruce seemed to take a long moment to digest that information. “Tim, what happened between you and Ra’s?”

Tim fixed his eyes on the closed bedroom door. It was easier to remain expressionless if he stared at a slab of wood. “You know what happened.”

“No, I don’t. Your encounters with Ra’s al Ghul have almost always occurred in private. Where you two stood in regards to each other, I can’t know unless you tell me.”

Tim’s eyes slid to Bruce’s, his expression callous. “You’re not naive, Bruce. You  _ know  _ what he wanted from me and it wasn’t just a second in command.”

“Was he sexual with you?”

Tim emitted a derisive noise low in his throat but made no further attempt to answer the question.

Bruce had spent years gathering information of Ra’s. He knew the way that Ra’s thought just like Tim did. Tim wasn’t stupid enough to think Bruce hadn’t done some investigating on Ra’s’ house calls at Tim’s apartment either. There had been tampering with the code of Tim’s security system in the past. Instances where the video feeds had been accessed from outside sources after particularly dangerous patrols. Tim had suspected Oracles involvement long ago, as her own way of checking up on him from time to time. He’d just never thought she might be doing it under Bruce’s orders.  

“If you don’t want to talk to me, there are always other options. I could schedule a meeting with Leslie. That way you can open up about what happened and only the necessary information will be relayed to me—”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now.” Tim’s eyes focused on the closed door again. 

“I really believe talking to her will help you deal with this, Tim. It’s important to—”

“I said I’m  _ not talking _ about this now.” He pushed as much force into the words as he could, but couldn’t bring himself to look at Bruce’s face. He didn’t want to see what Bruce thought of him in that moment. Did he think Tim was damaged goods? Was he wondering if he should allow him back into the field after this?

 Bruce paused and Tim could see his nod out of the corner of his eye. “Okay, whenever you’re ready. Just try to rest for now.”

* * *

Tim did rest. He slept for long hours and unconsciousness was almost enough of a distraction to keep his thoughts off of Jason and Ra’s. Thoughts about both men were painful to him with questions full of ‘what ifs’ and ‘whys’ filling his head to the point of breaking. 

It took two days for Tim to work up the energy to venture out of the room, the thought of speaking to his family members too exhausting for him to contemplate. The only person Tim really wanted to talk to was Jason. It seemed like after spending so much time under Ra’s’ scrutiny, they’d learned to convey their feelings without words. Through the small things, like the way their hands brushes together or the twitch of Jason jaw when he got angry… Tim felt like he could read Jason so clearly at this point, without anything needing to be said. But most of all, Jason was someone he didn’t have to explain himself to. And Tim had a feeling Bruce had been just a teaser for what was to come. Dick was sure to bombard him with question and concern for his well-being. He’d come to check in on Tim the other day, but Tim had feinted sleep until he left. He knew it was cruel, but so was Dick reporting on Tim and Jason’s private lives back to Bruce. He had no right disclosing that information.

In truth, the experience hadn’t been as bad as Tim had thought it would be. No one seemed to be in a talkative mood. Bruce and Damian had been working longer patrols since Tim and Jason had gone undercover, getting in late and sleeping even later. Dick was busy checking in on everyone, as was Alfred, though that was nothing new.

Tim entered the kitchen and was surprised to see Cass sitting on one of the bar stools. A box of cereal and a carton of milk sat on the counter next to her. When Tim came to a stop at the threshold, she glanced up at him and slowly placed her spoon down. 

Tim stared at her, unsure if he needed to say something to her to explain his presence here. She’d been out of the country when he and Jason had gone on mission, but he had no doubt that she’d been kept in the loop incase her assistance was needed. 

How much did she know, though? Cass was perceptive. Had she filled in the gaps?

Tim’s fingers fidgeted at his sides, his eyes breaking contact with hers.

After a long moment, Cass slid off of the stool and retrieved another cereal bowl and spoon. She placed them across of her on the counter and picked up her own spoon, eyes focused on the contents of her bowl.  

Tim opened his mouth and closed it a second later, kicking himself for his awkwardness. He shook his head once, trying to cast it off of him and sat himself down across from Cass. Tim dumped cereal and milk into the bowl and started to eat.

Tim breathed slowly with his eyes closed, allowing tension he hadn’t realized he’d been holding leave his body. He opened his eyes again and stared at the spoon in his hand, small cereal pieces floating in off white milk.

He placed the spoon down at looked at Cass who’d gone back to reading the Gotham Gazette, lying spread out on the countertop next to her bowl. 

As if sensing his eyes on her, she glanced up at Tim through her bangs. 

Tim’s mouth pinched into the closest thing to a smile that he could manage at the time. 

“Thank you,” he said.

Cass’s eyes softened, crinkling at the corners, but she maintained the quiet silence that had existed before Tim broke it with his two words. 

They both went back to their previous tasks and Tim relaxed fully into the silence. He wrapped himself in it, realizing with relief that he would not need to search for words with Cass. Not today. Not until he was ready.

* * *

Three days later, Dick came to confess what he’d done to Tim. Tim would have loved to have gotten Jason’s opinion on the matter, but he’d knocked on Jason’s door multiple times without answer. Tim never tried to enter the room on his own, too afraid he’d find the door locked. He couldn’t deal with such an outright statement at the moment. Better to keep up hope even though Jason had not come to see him since he’d woken five days ago. 

Now Dick was leaning against Tim’s closed door like he needed it to keep himself upright, spilling his heart out to him. 

Tim pulled his knees to his chest under the blankets as he listened and wrapped his arms around them. 

“You told Bruce about me and Jason.” He whispered, staring at him. “You told him that I killed him.”

Dick held up a hand. “No, Tim. I would never  _ ever _ say something like that. I just told him what Jason told me, that you two had slept together. I told him that Jason’s off-book actions at the U.N. building were only because he wanted to protect you. I was just filling in the gaps in your motives.”

Tim’s eyes were wet, his voice raw. “What you  _ told _ him was that I placed my feelings above the mission. You told him that I failed.”

“Stop it!” Dick snapped, striding across the room. He gripped Tim by his arms and shook him. His eyes were beseeching. “You didn’t fail, do you hear me? You’re allowed to have feelings. You’re allowed to make mistakes. I won’t sit by and watch him do to you what he did to Jason all those years ago. I’m happy that you and Jason got together. I’m happy that you both found comfort in each other.”

Tim shook his head, his eyes watering freely now. “My feelings for him put a target on his back. It feels like I killed him with my own hands.”

Dick pulled him close, pressing his face into his shoulder. He didn’t seem to care in the least that Tim was getting tears and snot on his shirt. His hand stroked the back of Tim’s head. “Listen to me, okay? You didn’t kill anyone. Sometimes people just die, no matter what you do. Jason just died. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

Tim gripped Dick’s shirt tightly in his fists. “I can’t blame Ra’s for everything bad that happened. I was a part of it. I’m just as culpable—”

Dick stroked his head and shushed him until Tim fell silent. 

“The important thing is you brought him back to us. Alive.” said Dick. “You have to know how much that means to us.”

Tim pressed his forehead to Dick’s chest. 

“I know, I do… I just get the feeling that Jason doesn’t want to be back. And I’m the only one he can blame for that. That I know.” 

When Tim pulled back enough to look Dick in the eyes, he could see that Dick felt it too. 

Tim had brought back a boy more dead than alive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing the scene with Cass for this chapter. Tell me what you guys thought of her scene, or any scene.


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Not to divide anyone into factions, but which character do you side with in this chapter? Jason? or Tim? Who do you believe has the better argument, just curious.

_ “He, who must realize that certain losses are irreparable, tells himself at night, before the darkest mirror, that vision keeps him whole. On the verge of warm and simple sleep, they tell themselves certain loves are like sheets of dark water, or ice forest, or husks of ships. To stop a thing such as this would be to halve a sound that travels out from a silent person’s thoughts. The imprint they make on each other’s bodies is worth any pain they may have caused.” _ — “ Half Omen Half Hope ”, Joanna Klink

Over the next day or so, Jason and Tim moved about each other like the way a planet and a moon orbit one another, stuck in each other’s gravitational pull. They skirted around each other within the confines of the manor, speaking no words except the occasional surprised noise when they found themselves in the same room together. Every time their eyes would catch, their bodies moving neither closer nor farther apart.

They had developed a safe distance. A self-enforced silence that they carried out to maintain the uneasy peace that existed in the family. It was a lie, of course. Their silence was the blanket that covered up the strained relationships and mingled together with the heavy air of exhaustion that clung to everyone. 

Each morning Tim would wake in pain, his whole body aching after a full day spent with his muscles coiled tight with tension. He kept expecting the charade to collapse, someone was going to strike a nerve sooner or later… Did they really think that this could last? Their family had never been normal, but there had been a sense of trust and unity that Tim sensed was missing now. No one seemed to know where they stood in regards to each other… not when it was obvious that neither Tim nor Jason were willing to go back to the way things were before. After all, how could they?

And it wasn’t just his family members that unsettled Tim. He was given no reprieve at night, his dreams acting out the many possible scenarios of how Ra’s could sneak through Tim’s defenses and capture him.  

On one such a night Tim was startled awake at the sensation of hands on him, grasping his arms and his sweaty t-shirt in the dark. It was too dark in the room to see more than a pair of eyes staring down at him. Whatever other features were there seemed to be obscured by the ninja’s mask. Tim twisted under those hands, his feet kicking and slipping on the sleek fabric of his sheets, struggling to shove his body out from underneath his attacker’s. 

“No!” He grunted, yanking his arm towards his chest is an effort to free it from the hand that clutched it. Tim cried out louder, hoping the noise would bring one of his family members to his aid. 

He freed his arm and struck up with the heel of his hand. His aim was poor in the darkness of the room and instead of breaking his nose, he caught the man by the chin, shoving his head back and away. He followed it with a strike to the solar plexus that knocked the ninja off of the edge of the bed, Tim falling with him in a heap on the floor.

Before his full weight could even fall on top of the man they were rolling in a tangle of sheets across the floor until Tim was pinned beneath the man’s weight.

There had seemed to be a reluctant quality to the ninja’s motions before, but now a nerve had been struck, or so it seemed, for the man’s touch became more forceful. Tim’s wrists were grasped together and pinned above his head. A hand smothered Tim’s nose and mouth, muffling Tim’s cries. 

Tim was attempting to sink his teeth deep enough into the fleshy part of the man’s hand to make him bleed, when all at once the man released him and stumbled backwards to his feet. Tim’s eyes were still adjusting to the darkness and all he could see was the faint outline of the man’s body, standing above him. 

Tim lay on his back, wondering quietly to himself why he wasn’t currently screaming or alerting his family in some way. Instead he focused on breathing, listening to his own ragged breaths mingle with the panting of his attacker’s. 

After a long moment, the man turned and left, moving through Tim’s open door into the darkness of the hallway. Tim couldn’t bring himself to move back into his bed. Instead he tugged his twisted sheets over his shivering form, wondering why the man had fled.

What did it mean? 

Had Ra’s called him back? Or had the ninja disobeyed orders? 

It was unlikely that Ra’s would allow such a man to maintain employment in his ranks after losing Tim at the hands of traitorous men only a few days ago. 

Similar thoughts kept Tim awake the rest of the night.

It wasn’t until breakfast the next morning, when Tim found himself staring at the teeth marks on Jason’s palm, that he found his answers. 

Tim’s face colored with an odd mixture of humiliation and confusion.

When Jason caught Tim’s eyes lingering on the wound, he gave Tim an exhausted, ill-tempered look. Tim brought his coffee over to the table and sat down across from him. He fingered the rim of the mug as he struggled for the right words, finally settling on, “Why didn’t you say something? The other night, when you were standing there above me, why didn’t you say something to me?”

Jason collected his fork and his napkin onto his plate, making as if to move towards the sink. He stood up, and for a moment Tim’s heart dropped because he thought Jason might leave him without an answer, but Jason lingered uncertainly beside his chair.

His hand which held his empty orange juice glass, tightened until the knuckles gleamed pearly white under the sunlight streaming in through the kitchen windows. 

“I guess for the same reason you didn’t cry out. Some part of me thought that I might have deserved it.”

It was like a blow to Tim’s gut. He’d forgotten that Jason knew him just as well as Tim claimed to know Jason. 

Jason shifted his weight, stepping towards the sink. Seized by a sudden need to explain himself Tim stood up from his chair, putting himself in Jason’s path. 

“I—”

Tim didn’t know what he wanted to say. But Jason was talking to him and Tim was too afraid that if he didn’t speak now things might go back to the way they were before. That horrible, aching silence. Perhaps this could be a start? His words, however unimportant, might act as an open invitation. 

Tim swallowed as Jason quietly stilled. He seemed content to wait, making no move to shift around Tim. It gave Tim courage. 

He raised his chin. “I thought that you were him… or, well, someone Ra’s had sent after me.”

Jason nodded, an almost imperceptible bob of his head. “I know you did. You’d been dreaming about him when I came in to check what all the noise was. You were crying his name in your sleep.”

“In my nightmares,” Tim stated. It felt important to correct him on that. “He’s in my nightmares a lot. So are you, sometimes. Except when I see you there…  I’m scared of you.”

This wasn’t the place to be having this conversation, standing around the breakfast table expecting someone to interrupt them at any moment. This conversation should be private, just the two of them in a room with a closed door. Tim didn’t have that luxury now, however, and he was willing to take anything he got. Damn the audience that might be listening in. 

“What about now?” asked Jason. “Do I scare you now?”

“Yes,” Tim’s nails dug into his palms. “I’m scared of what I don’t know and, right now, a lot of things between us are uncertain. It’s like looking at a stranger. I know you, but not the right parts of you.”

Jason moved to the sink and placed his dishes down. He braced his hands on the counter, looking down at the contents of the sink. 

Tim followed him, hovering close to his shoulder. As he lingered beside him, Jason tilted his head to look at him through his bangs. He smiled sadly. “You scare me too… What I know about you now… What I know that you could do, if properly motivated. It scares me to think that I was the cause of all of it.”

“I don’t regret it.” Tim replied instantly.

Another sad smile. Another soft, “I know.”

“Jason—” Tim placed his hand on top of his, only for Jason to yank his away like Tim had burned him. Tim let his hand hover over the vacant space before curling it into a fist and returning it to his side. 

“What are we now, Jason?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I ever really did.”

“We were  _ something _ !” Tim insisted. “Whatever it was, however short lived, we were  _ something _ to each other!”

“I thought my feelings for you would have gone, when I came back… when I realized what you’d done. I wanted to hate you, but I couldn’t. Not truly.”

“When I brought you back I intended to be by your side afterwards. I didn't want you to be alone, like the last time. I’ve tried to be there for you, Jason, but since we got back all you’ve done is push me away.”

Jason’s face when he look at him was full of anger. “I don't give a damn about your  _ intentions _ , Tim. I care about what you did.”

“Then let’s talk. Explain to me—”

“I don't  _ want  _ to talk!” cried Jason.

“Then  _ what!  _ What the fuck do you want?” Snapped Tim viciously. He was trying to repair the damage done but he couldn't do that it Jason wasn’t willing to put in the effort.

Jason shook his head. 

“I want to be alone.”

He side-stepped around Tim and left the room. 

Tim sank against the edge of the counter. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the cabinet with a thump, “Fuck.”

* * *

Tim and Jason had been relegated to monitor duty while the rest of their family patrolled the streets of Gotham that night. It was the job that Alfred usually performed from the secure confines of the cave. Monitoring police activity, calling in reinforcements, preparing the infirmary for injuries at the end of the night. Bruce and Dick could talk it up as much as they wanted, but it didn’t go unnoticed for what it actually was. House arrest. Whatever objections they posed to Bruce, however, fell on deaf ears.

“You don’t need two people on desk duty,” objected Jason. 

“Fine.” Dick leveled Jason with an annoyed glare as he pushed his escrima sticks into their holsters. “If you don’t want to watch the monitors, you can take tonight to train.”

He shoved a pair of boxing gloves against Jason’s chest. “No doubt you’re a little out of practice.”

Jason caught them in his hands before they could fall to the cave floor, glaring at Dick over his shoulder as he moved towards the exit.

Tim called across the room, “Why don’t you just call it what it is, Dick? We’re not stupid you know.”

Dick turned, fixing Tim with a look that made Tim want to turn around and walk away. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Dick look so fed up in his life. 

“I know, that you know, Tim. I just thought you two were old enough to suck it up and  _ deal with it _ . So here’s how it is… Jason just  _ died _ , so he’s not patrolling tonight because we kinda want him to  _ stay alive _ for a few more days before hurling him back into life-threatening situations. And  _ you _ , have a stalker with an army at his disposal hunting you.  _ Not to mention _ that you also just blew your fucking lid at Bruce two days ago and he’s now questioning if he should be benching you until you’re mentally well enough to patrol. Okay? So  _ yes _ , we’re putting you to work in the cave. I know it’s not glamorous, but as least you’re still taking part in patrols. Be thankful!”

Tim remained silent, too shocked to do much else after such an outburst. Dick stared at him for a moment longer before gathering the last of his gear and heading out. Not long after, Bruce and Damian were speeding out in the Batmobile after him. 

Tim sat down in the leather chair positioned in front of the monitors. Eventually, Jason took the seat next to him. 

There was only so much work to do, however, and many hours to a night’s patrol. It wasn’t long before they found themselves staring at their own individual screens, the silence stretching heavily between them. 

Dick, Bruce, and Damian would be heading in from the city soon. Tim and Jason’s presence in the cave wasn’t necessary at this point. Still they sat there. Tim thought that perhaps both of them were willing to stare blankly at a monitor if it served as an excuse not to talk to each other. After another half hour passed in this fashion, Tim found it impossible to bear. Not only that, but the entire afternoon following their talk in the kitchen had Tim’s thoughts spiraling in circles. He understood, on some level, Jason’s reasoning behind Tim’s decisions following his death. He understood Jason’s moral objection to it, but Jason had to know that what he asked of Tim was impossible. He had to know the irreparable damage it would have caused.

Tim turned to look at him. Jason’s head was propped on his hand, his fingers drumming scales on the tabletop in front of the keyboard. 

“Do you really hate me so much for what I did?”

Jason’s eyes flicker to Tim, but his head stayed facing the screens.

“Yes, I really do.”

Tim sighed. “You couldn’t really have expected me to just let you die like that after—” 

Jason turned and snapped at him. “It was my  _ dying wish _ , Tim. You disobeyed my goddamn dying wish! How the fuck could you think I wouldn’t be angry about that?”

“Disobeyed?” croaked Tim. “I don’t take orders from you, Jason!”

Jason turned his chair. “Well, obviously not!”

Behind them the cave doors opened and the Batmobile roared into the cave. Tim stood, shouting to be heard over the roaring engine. 

“You  _ died _ ! You left me alone in a field with a dead body and a madman hunting me. You don’t get to judge me for my decisions and I won’t apologize for my actions!”

Jason stood with him, ignoring the stricken looks they were receiving from their family members. 

“And I won’t either!” growled Jason.  "I am allowed to be angry! You're not God, Tim. You don't get to decide who lives and who dies. I won’t apologize just because my feelings aren’t what everyone wants them to be."

"What I did, I did it because I love you, Jason!"

"No.” Jason stabbed at finger at him. “What you did was selfish and cruel. You brought me back against my will. You made me go through that,  _ again,  _ because you're terrified of losing someone else. I don’t know if you’ve ever thought of this, but  _ not everyone  _ wants to be alive!"

Jason panted hard from the fury of his words. His hands were trembling.

He shook his head, as if coming to a sudden conclusion. “I can’t stay here anymore.”

Jason shifted past Tim's stiff form, standing rigid before his chair like he’d been glued to the floor. 

Tim watched Jason grab his duffel bag and his coat, stuffing in contents from his stash of clothes and weapons in a hasty fashion.

" _ I'm _ selfish?" Tim stared at him in disbelief. " _ I'm _ cruel?"

Jason spared Tim only a glimpse of his profile before he headed past him towards the stairs.

" _ How dare you! _ " Tim shouted at his back. "How could you  _ possibly  _ know _? _ ”

Jason's back stiffened, his foot stopping on the first step of the stairs. He let his foot slide back down to the floor and turned around to face Tim.

"Don't try to make this like it's my fault, Tim. It was you who brought this on yourself. Take some responsibility for your actions, for once."

Tim laughed and it rattled the ice in his veins. "Says the man who's never around to own up to anything."

Jason squinted at him. "What is  _ that  _ supposed to mean?"

Dick shifted in the corner of the room, on edge. "Tim, don't—"

Tim talked over him. "Where are you when we need you? You’re always the one who dies, the one who leaves. You never have to witness how this family breaks during a tragedy, but I do. I'm the one left to pick up the pieces, to be rational, to be in control.  _ All the time _ . You call me selfish for bringing you back, but I call it keeping my family together. Sparing them the pain of losing you,  _ again _ ."

“That’s enough, Tim.” said Dick. The force of his voice betrayed the urgency of the situation. He knew how harsh Tim could be if he let himself. Tim knew how to make his words hurt.

"You call me cruel, Jason, but you're the one that let me love you. And then, you tell me to let you die? You ask me to bring your body back to them and watch them fall apart a second time? With them knowing that it's my fault? That I was the one who killed you."

Tim swept his hand towards his family, to Dick holding tightly to Damian's shoulders, hard enough that it might be hurting him even with his body armor. It didn’t matter, Damian wasn’t going to call attention to it either way. Tim motioned to Bruce staring quietly between them with a pained expression, which reflected how he thought he'd caused this pain that Jason and Tim were feeling. That he'd put too much onto their shoulders.

Tim curled his hand back towards himself and clutched it against his chest.

"And not only that, but you would make me stay here—" he stabbed a finger down at his feet. "— with their hatred and their sorrow. You’d have me live with a family that is disgusted by me, by my ineptitude to keep you alive— they would never say it, but I would know all the same. You would have me live like that, instead of letting me go to Ra's al Ghul?"

Tim’s chest hurt from the deep ache that had been pounding away at his ribs for days now. Since that morning in the field when Jason made him promise not to bring him back. 

"You wonder why Ra’s is such a temptation for me, Jason? It's because I'm not the one in control when I'm with him. That whatever happens, I won’t be held responsible for it because he can overpower me both physically and mentally, with ease. That feeling is terrifying and tempting all at the same time. I've worked so hard to be my own hero, but I am so tired of living with the fact that my actions keep killing my friends and family. I hate that I like it, that loss of power, when I'm with him, but I'd be lying to myself if I couldn't admit that it's true." 

Tim pointed harshly at Jason. "It’s you, Jason. You’re the selfish one. You asked something of me that I wasn't ready to give. There were so many reasons for what I did, but yes, you were right. I also did it because I love you and I'm afraid of losing you."

The silence hung heavily in the air after he’d finished. Water dripping from the cave ceiling echoed loudly throughout the cave. Then finally Jason walked toward him, his eyes wet at the lashes. He cupped the side of Tim's face and Tim couldn't help leaning into his touch. He felt starved for Jason's kindness, snatching at whatever he could get.

Jason's voice trembled when he spoke. "I understand, Tim. I do. But you hurt me, so bad. I can’t even begin to tell you how much. I do feel for you and I want nothing more than for you to be happy, but I don't know how to trust you anymore. And if I can't trust you then I can’t... I'm sorry. I just can't."

He yanked his hands away and hurried up the stairs, wiping at his eyes at he went.

“Jason, wait!” Dick called after him. Bruce stopped him with a tight grip on Dick’s arm.

Dick stared at him, a silent plea for Bruce to let him try to fix this. That was Dick… always trying to make everything better.

Bruce simply shook his head.

Jason never finished his sentence, but Tim knew what he was going to say all the same.  _ If he can’t trust me, he can’t love me.  _

And in that moment Tim knew that it was true. He might have lost Jason for good.

Tim’s chest hurt so badly that he felt as if he couldn’t breathe. He braced his hands against the table, staring down at it as he tried to get himself under control, to keep it together… he realized in that moment that Jason had done the exact thing Tim had just accused him of always doing. He’s not here and Tim’s still the one who has to keep it together. Around and around it goes, but nothing Tim did could break the fucking cycle of death, responsibility and loneliness.

Tim screamed and slammed his fist down against the table repeatedly, watching his knuckles split and bleed. Blood splattered onto the keyboard. Dick was behind him in an instant, yanking him away before he could hurt himself any more. His arms were like vices around Tim’s own, pinning them to his sides. Dick took his weight as Tim crumpled into him, sobbing.

“It’s going to be okay, Tim. I promise.” Dick whispered against the top of his head. 

“No, it’s not.” gasped Tim, eyes finding Jason on one of the monitors as he walked out the front door of the manor. “I gave up everything to be with him and I’m right back where I started.”


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoot me some feedback about the ending of this chapter. I'd love to know your thoughts/theories.

_“Everybody, it seems, is going or dying in this cold mean spring.”_ — “The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath”, Sylvia Plath

Tim stood in the backyard of the manor as the early morning sun struggled to rise above the manor’s brick wall. His boots crunched in the frosty grass as he shuffled his feet in an attempt to generate some warmth in his toes. Despite the chill of the autumn morning, the phone wedged in Tim’s coat pocket felt hot enough to burn a hole through the lining.

He’d gotten the text yesterday, late in the afternoon.

_I hope you don’t think this is over, Detective. We’re very far from being finished._

An earlier self might have thought the idea of Ra’s texting him hilarious. As it was, however, all Tim could do in that moment was stare down at the screen in silent horror, before typing out a hasty reply.

_I’m not playing this game._

Ra’s’ answer came smoothly a moment later.

_Oh but you are._

It was only then when Tim’s shaking fingers hovered over the keys that he realized he shouldn't have responded at all. He couldn't help it. The only way he could rationalize an action so _stupid_ was from an intense desire for Ra’s, and all of the issues that came with him, to just _go away._

Tim had deleted the texts from his phone and blocked the number, but he knew that wouldn't be the end of it.

Far from it.

He clutched his phone in his hand,  willing the trembling to stop.

He’d barely made it through dinner, force feeding himself small bites of food despite his sudden lack of an appetite.

Tim shivered and wrapped his coat tighter around his body. He flexed his hands inside the pockets of his coat, afraid that the trembling might start up again. It had been so hard to stop before.

If someone were to notice…

He was startled when the door banged open behind him. He turned to see Dick stumbling towards him, hissing curses as his bare feet made contact with the icy lawn.

“You scared the shit out of me when I didn't find you in your room. Jesus, Tim. What the hell are you doing standing out here?”

Tim shrugged a shoulder. “Couldn't sleep.”

Dick threw him an exasperated look before motioning for Tim to follow him inside. Tim complied. It was easier to go along with his family’s not-so-subtle attempts at watching his every move. They switched off every day or so and but Dick was always on morning duty since he was the earliest riser in the household. He supposed it could be worse. He could be stuck with Damian and his intrusive questions.

Dick sat on the edge of the couch, rubbing warmth into his bare feet as Tim stood behind the couch shedding his coat and boots.

Tim looked towards the kitchen. “Has anyone made coffee yet?”

Dick shook his head. “We’re the first ones up. Alfred’s at the store.”

“Right. I'll go start a pot.”

Dick followed him into the kitchen and watched Tim as he scooped out coffee grounds and filled the machine with tap water.

Tim sighed and turned towards Dick. “Whatever you want to say, just say it.”

Dick propped his hand against his fist. “So, you’re not sleeping?”

“Could you blame me?” asked Tim.

“No.” Dick grunted. “Is there anything I could do to help?”

“Doubt it. I'm beginning to realize that the best thing I can do is keep my mind occupied.”

“If that’s what you think you need to do, then that’s what you gotta do.”

He paused.

“I talked to Bruce last night. He said you can patrol with Cass and Steph tonight… if you’re up to it, that is.”

Tim made a noise low in his throat. “Group patrol? Haven't done that since I was starting out as Robin.”

“Numbers are your friend right now, Tim.”

Tim threaded a hand through the hair at the back of his head. “Yeah, no. I know.”

“I think it’ll be good for you. Some sense of normalcy, right?”

 _Normal_. Tim didn’t know the meaning of the word anymore. If Tim thought that his first days back home had been awkward and tense, the days following Jason’s departure had been exponentially worse. He meant what he’d said to Dick. The only thing that was saving him from curling up under the blankets and telling the world to go fuck itself without him was his work. He took on his family’s cases, using his insomnia for some good. He had a feeling if he hadn’t he would have lost his mind a lot sooner with the only thing to occupy his attention being tracking the slow progress of time, watching the moonlight creep slowly across his bedroom wall.

He threw himself into his work… and not just the cases. He spent just as much time on his own project, in other words, his burning desire to end this cat and mouse game that he was playing with Ra’s. For good.

After all, what else did he have at this point?

He pulled every file on Ra’s that he could find, sorted out Ra’s’ allies and enemies, and worked on making those enemies indebted to him once every other strategy had been exhausted.

 _The enemy of my enemy is my friend_ , thought Tim, and like Dick had been telling him, he was sorely in need of some friends at the moment. He didn’t dare involve any of the members of the Young Justice or the Titans. Perhaps the only one he would ever consider would be Connor. Except Connor wasn’t around to protect him anymore.

He hadn’t been aware of how far his thoughts had wandered until he heard Dick calling his name.

“Tim?”

Tim shook his head, as if to knock his thoughts back to the here and now.

He forced his lips up into a weak smile he didn’t feel and replied, “Right. Yeah, tell them I’ll go.”

Dick smiled. Tim thought it might have been the first sincere one he’d seen in awhile. It was different than those pitying ones he’d been getting from everyone for the past couple of days… like Dick believed that Tim was taking the first step in the right direction… back to his old self.

It didn’t make Tim feel any less uneasy.

“Better go dust off that uniform for tonight.” Dick clapped him on the back.

* * *

 

* * *

Tim brushed his fingertips over the recent patch job on his Red Robin suit, Alfred’s handiwork present in the neat line of stitches. He smoothed the fabric of the suit down against the shelf it was laid atop. The same shelf that Tim had discarded his uniform on before starting out on his mission.

With his eyes, Tim found the remaining parts of his suit.

He paused, looking it all over. Curiously, Tim riffled through the shelves positioned around the showers. There was a chance that Bruce would have anonymously dropped it off at the nearest police station, or given it to Dick to do it for him. But if Alfred got to it first, it had probably just been stashed away until it could be discreetly handed back to its rightful owner.

And there it was, stuffed under an unopened package of ace bandages. He guessed Alfred hadn’t gotten the chance to return it.

Jason’s gun, tucked into the the thigh holster he’d given Tim that night before they found themselves in an alleyway with a dead man at their feet.

Tim’s fingers hesitated over it. He was almost certain that Jason wouldn’t want him to have it.

He rested his fingers on top of the cold metal for a moment, debating with himself, before taking it into his had. After a few seconds the gun didn’t feel so cold anymore, the steel warmed by the heat of his hand. It felt heavy in a reassuring way, like the promise of protection crafted out of steel.

Holding it out in front of him, Tim felt safer than he had in awhile. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to hold that feeling in for as long as possible.

Ra’s’ message came back to him. _We’re very far from finished_.

Tim disagreed. He planned on ending this once and for all.

He tucked the gun into the middle of his folded uniform and took the pile of clothing and gear under his arm. Making his way out of the cave, he thought to himself, _I meant what I said. I’m not playing your game, Ra’s. Tonight’s the night that I prove that to you_.

* * *

 

As to be expected, Tim tried to ditch Stephanie and Cass the first opportunity he got. They were surprisingly hard to lose, and it took no less than ten minutes before they were climbing in through the smashed window of Jason’s apartment after him.

Tim stood in the middle of the living room with his back to them. Steph approached him slowly, her boots crunching with each step she took on the glass strewn floor.

“Did you come here looking for Jason?”

Tim looked around the damaged room. “I don’t know.”

He really didn’t. Whether he’d come here alone with the hope that it would lure Ra’s into a trap or in the hope that he might find Jason there, he couldn’t say for sure. His head was a mess at the moment. In any case, Ra’s hadn’t taken the bait and Jason’s gun rested useless in one of the pockets of his utility belt.

Tim made his way carefully over to Jason’s bedroom. Jason’s bed was a mess of untucked sheets, the comforter thrown to the end of the bed.

Tim picked up a rumpled t-shirt, discarded on the bed.

“He just needs some space to think, Tim.” continued Steph. She had followed him here too, but stopped warily in the doorway, as if sensing that this was a space she wasn’t privy to. “I’m sure when he’s ready to talk, he’ll come find you.”

Tim turned to look at her over one shoulder. “This is going to sound incredibly rude, but at the moment I’m honestly too exhausted to mince words.”

Steph tucked her arms across her chest. “Just say it, Tim. You won’t hurt my feelings.”

“I know that you think you’re helping me by ‘being there for me’ and all that shit, but if I have to spend one more minute talking about my ‘feelings’, I’m going to start hurting people. I know it makes all of you feel like you’re actually helping me through this, but the truth is you’re wasting my time and my patience. I don’t need to ‘talk’. I don’t need a hug. I need space to myself and a way to stop Ra’s. Feel free to pass that on when you have your next family meeting to discuss my mental state.”

Despite her bold words before, Tim could sense that he’d struck a harsh blow. He didn’t mean to lash out at her, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel bad enough to apologize for his words.

Steph pressed her lips together and nodded stiffly.

“Sure. I’ll give you some time to yourself.”

Tim waited until she closed the door behind her before he sat down on the edge of Jason’s bed. He fisted his hands tightly into the soft material of Jason’s t-shirt and brought it up to his face, breathing deeply.

The faint smell of citrus greeted him, perhaps leftover residue from Jason’s body wash. It was far from the smell of sweaty sheets Tim remembered from his first night with Jason or the crisp smell of dried out grass from that night they’d laid together in that field. This was a foreign scent, a version of Jason before Tim.  

Tim pulled his face free of the soft material, now partially damp from where it had made contact with his watery eyes. He smoothed out the wrinkles his fingers had made in the material and folded the shirt up neatly, unzipping his suit partially until he could shove it in.

When he opened the bedroom door he found Steph waiting just outside. Cass turned away from the bank of windows where she’d been keeping an eye out for signs of trouble.

“You know we’re going to have to bring you back after pulling a stunt like this.” she told him, moving further into the room.

“You don’t have to call it in,” said Tim. “We weren’t gone long. It can be explained away. If we get our stories straight— ”   

“I already called it in,” said Cass. “This was a trial run, Tim. You failed.”

Tim stared at her in a new light.  

“I thought you were different, Cass. I thought you understood that I needed space—”

“I do, Tim. But there’s a difference between being alone at the manor and being alone on patrol. Stunts like this on patrol could get you killed. I care about you too much to allow that to happen.”

Why did it suddenly feel like everyone was ganging up on him? It felt like he was reliving Bruce’s death all over again… back when Dick and everyone else thought he was crazy. Ra’s had been the only one who’d believed him back then.

“I don’t need this family’s approval to keep patrolling.” he stated defensively.

“It’s too dangerous for you to patrol solo.” said Steph.

Tim met each of their eyes individually. _Yes_ , he could see it in their eyes. _They remember how they left me vulnerable to Ra’s’ persuasion before. They won’t let that happen again. I’m as much a prisoner here as I was with Ra’s. I just swapped one cell for another._

He looked down at his boots, taking the opportunity once again to molded his face into something that would please them.

When he glanced back up his expression was disheartened… unthreatening.

“Alright,” he nodded. “Let’s head back.”

He spared one last glance around Jason’s apartment before he climbed out the window.

* * *

 

“One week on monitor duty.” Bruce glared at him once they’d returned to the manor, his Batman cowl held between his palms. Whatever he’d been saying before that— probably the same drawn out sermon about Tim’s responsibility to take better care of himself— Tim had tuned it out.

He’d nodded and taken his punishment like he was grateful to be given even that much. Tim became their eyes and ears while on patrol. He performed the job so well that they didn’t even think to question his desire to be there.

Tim slipped the comm off of his ear and let it fall onto the desk. The voice on the other end was still audible, calling out his name.

Tim ignored it, instead he grabbed the backpack at his feet and pulled it onto his back. The keys and helmet for Dick’s bike were waiting next to the monitor. He snatched them up as he made his way over towards the bike.

 _We need to meet_.

Tim typed the message into his phone before sliding it back into his jacket. He smiled and flipped the helmet’s visor down over his eyes, racing out of the cave.


	17. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry guys, but I think this is the end of the painful chapters. At least the extremely painful ones. Only minor ones after this. I swear. They've taken a toll on me too. Also time to reveal my little shocker to you guys in this chapter. Tell me what you thought of this twist in the comment!

_ “If you love me, Henry, you don’t love me in a way I understand.”  _ — “ _ Wishbone _ ”,  Richard Siken

Tim swayed with the motion of the Paris metro car, as the wheels bumped between the tracks. It was later here than it was the country that Tim had come from. It led Tim to feel disoriented, as if this were a race and someone had fired the gun without him noticing only for him to take off behind his other opponents. 

The feeling only intensified as Tim stared down at the phone in his hand. The image on the screen leading panic to rise in his throat. 

Tim could almost taste it.

It wasn’t the image that stared back at him that confused Tim. No, Tim understood why it was sent to him. That was made all too clear as his eyes skimmed over the message under it.

_ Are you sure he loves you, Timothy? _

No. It was the motives of the people within the photo that Tim couldn’t wrap his head around. And even then… it was only just the one man.

The image was simple in nature, candid, almost blackmail-worthy. If Tim didn’t know any better he would have thought that it was shot by a private eye. Shot with a zoom lense, in a burst of photos from the fire escape across the way, as if the photographer were afraid he would miss the scene in the heat of the moment. And indeed, part of the image was cut off by the brick wall. Only a man’s face and shoulder visible where Jason’s hands fisted in his hair. Not in preparation to throw a punch, but in the act of pulling him into a heated kiss. 

Tim stared at their lips locked together. The man’s back pressed up against an apartment door. The intent, obviously, of going inside to continue further. 

Tim wanted to be enraged by the sight of the image. He wanted to be enraged at Jason. But all he could think in that moment of panic was of the proximity of the camera to Jason, and the man who had sent him the image in the first place. Ra’s al Ghul. He’d upped his antics this time and Tim, far away, across an ocean, could do nothing about it.

This point was pounded into him as he typed out a frantic reply.

_ How did you get this? Tell your men to back off! Now! _

Tim waited in tense silence, his hand, where it gripped the pole of the metro car, white-knuckled and sweaty. His grip slipped as the car gave a jerk. He felt off-balanced for more than one reason.

Finally the reply came, mocking in nature. 

_ Or what? You’re all alone, remember? And Jason… well, Jason is with someone else. _

Tim shoved his phone into his pants pocket, knowing that there was nothing he could do. He pressed his forehead to the cold metal of the pole. His eyes squeezed shut. 

_ Don’t,  _ he told himself.  _ This is not the time to cry. Not on a metro car, in a foreign city, with strangers all around you. _

_ Focus _ , he told himself.  _ Focus on what you came here for. Don’t let him distract you. It’s what he wants, after all. He’s trying to get a rise out of you… trying to get you to panic. To get you to search for Jason, even though you have no goddamn clue where he is. _

_ If you turn back now, you’ll be trapped. _

Tim kept his composure for the entire time it took to reach his stop and fumble his way through the purchase of a city map at the nearest convenience store. He shoved the map into his backpack and headed for the alleyway around the corner, flipping his hood up to shield his face from the heavy downpour. 

_ I might not be able to do anything, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have something to say about it. _

He punched Jason’s number, listening as it rung and rung. He tried the number another time. Ra’s’ message had been time stamped for four hours ago, two hours into Tim’s flight. Jason’s little hook-up would be over and done with by now. 

He was met once again with Jason’s tired voice telling him to leave a message. 

“You’re a real bastard, you know that, Jason?” Tim leaned back against the alley wall. “For someone who claims to care about me, you certainly know how to shove the knife in and twist it.”

Tim tilted his face up, blinking away the rain that splattered on his face and in his eyes as he stared up at the night sky.  

“Who was he, Jason? What did he have that I didn’t have? No scars? No strings attached? Maybe it was just that perfect combination of a pretty face and no knowledge of what a  _ righteous piece of shit _ you are! I want you to know that I’m not going to come running after you, but I’m also not giving up on you yet. If you feel the same way, then maybe the next time I call you’ll have the decency to  _ pick up your fucking phone! _ ”

Tim let his head fall back against the bricks as he hung up. 

His phone chimed with a reply, but it wasn’t from Jason. His original request to meet was still there on the screen, dated eight hours ago. Tim had begun to think he’d never get a response.

_ Whatever for? _

Tim wiped the rain off of his screen before giving his answer.

_ I want you to kill Ra’s al Ghul for me _ . 

Tim stared at the screen, five whole minutes passing before the next text came.

_ That’s going to cost you _ .

_ Name your price. _

_ That’s not what I meant. _

Tim’s gut tightened instinctively. The cryptic message didn’t deter him, however. After all, what could Ra’s do to him that was any worse than what he’d already done. Tim had sold his body, watched the man he loved die, witnessed that love crumble after all that he did to keep it alive. He’d lost relationships because of Ra’s. He’d lost sleep. He’d lost control. 

As far as Tim was concerned, this was the only way to win. Ra’s would never think of Tim putting a hit out on him. He’d never think that Tim would turn a mercenary, who’d worked beside him on countless occasions, against him. 

_ I’m ten minutes from your location on foot. Take a look at what I can offer you before you turn me away _ . Tim added, hoping it would catch his interest.

Tim watched the dots dance on his screen before Slade sent him an address a few blocks from his original location.

_ Meet me here. _

* * *

Tim leaned his elbow against the edge of the bar, checking his watch for about the tenth time. It was four in the morning here, but the bar still had a steady stream of patrons, though the atmosphere was more subdued. Small groups of people sat at round tables. Others gathered up against the bar to order.

Tim sipped at his wine, almost gone now, wishing it were something stronger. Something that could burn Tim’s thoughts out of his head. 

A man slid in between Tim’s spot, situated on a bar stool and the stool next to him to order a refill. Tim paid him no attention until a shot glass was pushed his way by two fingers. 

Tim looked over startled at the man next to him. 

“Il semble que vous en avez besoin.” 

_ Looks like I need it, huh? Do I really look that tragic? _

He took the glass into his hand with a small smile and a mumbled  _ merci _ , before shooting it back. It burned his throat but it wasn’t unpleasant. 

The man pointed his finger between Tim’s glass and the bartender, a clear question for another. Tim nodded and slid his glass over for the bartender to refill. 

He took the glass back, some of it sloshing over his fingertips. 

The man raised his shot glass in a toast. Tim translated his words easily.  _ To new friends _ .

Tim smiled and raised the glass to his lips, only for a hand to come down on his arm, slamming it down onto the bar top. His glass fell from his fingers in his shock, spilling vodka across the table top. 

Tim twisted to see Slade glaring at him.

“Don’t do that.” He growled in Tim’s face. Next to Tim, his new companion was spitting angry words at Slade in French. Tim calmed him in a few words without looking at him.

Slade’s grip on his arm didn’t lessen, instead he used it to pull Tim off his stool and out of the bar. He let go once they hit the sidewalk, obviously anticipating Tim to follow after him willingly. Still he called over his shoulder at him, “You asked to meet me and you’re drinking? Do you have a death wish, kid?”

“What did you expect me to do?” Tim huffed. “You told me to meet you at a bar and then you made me sit there for twenty minutes! What the hell took you so long?”

Slade turned around so suddenly that Tim ran straight into him. Slade grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him against a storefront window. 

His face filled Tim’s vision. “I was cleaning up after you, little bird. You were being followed.”

“Ninjas?”

Slade nodded. “Only two.”

Tim shrugged against the heavy press of Slade’s hands on him. “Well, I ditched most of them.”

Tim looked around Slade’s looming form to the street. “We need to keep moving. It won’t be long before more take their place.”

Slade pulled him the rest of the way in silence. They ended up climbing a fire escape to the third floor of an abandoned building, looking at one point to be a cozy French restaurant. Tim followed Slade into the staff kitchen where Slade’s equipment was laid out across the metal counter tops. On one counter top a line of guns was waiting to be cleaned, a bristle brush, cloth, and gun oil stationed next to them.

Slade planted himself against a counter, drumming his fingers against the edge. “Have you heard from Rose recently?”

Tim glared at him. “I didn’t come here to talk about your daughter. This is a business call, not a social visit.”

Slade smirked at him and scratched at his face under his eyepatch. “I had heard some little rumors recently about you and Ra’s… Never put much stock in them until now. If you want to kill him, though, why not do it yourself? For  _ you _ to want to kill someone, they must clearly deserve it.”

Tim crossed his arms and stabbed the toe of his shoe into the tile floor. “I can’t… I’m not strong enough to take him. The only way I can take him down is by taking him by surprise. A well-placed bullet from  _ you _ would definitely be a surprise.”

“That almost sounds like a compliment, Drake.”

Tim shook his head tiredly. “Yeah… whatever helps you get the job done. So we have a deal?”

Slade put up a hand. “No so fast, Drake. What are you offering me in return? Because if I do this then I’ll have a whole army hunting me down.”

“I’m willing to share any intel I have on your competition. Name a mercenary or mob leader, if I have something on them, it’s yours.”

“Now you’re just insulting me.”

Slade turned away.

Tim straightened up, stepping forward. “I’ll—” He grimaced. “I’ll give you anything you want from Batman’s files, as well.”

Slade’s head angled. Tim had caught his interest, but was it enough? 

Tim clenched his fists at his sides. “That  _ includes  _ Bane’s Venom, Scarecrow’s Fear Toxin, and Joker’s deadly laughing gas.”

_ God help me _ .

Slade packed up a duffel bag before turning back to face him. “I’ll think on it.”

He walked around Tim back the way they had come.

Tim raced to follow him. “No, not  _ I’ll think on it _ . I need your answer now!”

“Go to your hotel room, Drake. Get some sleep. You’ll have my answer by tomorrow.”

Tim stopped in the middle of the gutted restaurant. Ceiling plaster crunched under his boots from where the light fixtures had been ripped down. He reached into the back of his pants and yanked Jason’s gun free. 

He cocked it at Slade’s back, clicking back the safety. “You do  _ not _ get to leave here without giving me an answer.”

Slade had stilled at the sound of the safety being released. He dropped his duffel bag to the floor with a solid thunk. He looked over his shoulder at Tim.

“We both know you’re not going to use that, kid. So why don’t you put it away.”

“Tell me you’ll do it. Tell me you’ll kill him.”

Slade shook his head and reached for his duffel bag. 

Tim lowered his arm and pulled the trigger. The bullet grazed Slade’s arm, blood streamed down to his wrist. Slade hissed and yanked his arm away from the bag. He turned around to face Tim, expression savage.

“This is not the way you get people to help you. If you can’t figure that out than Ra’s really must have done a number on you.”

He advanced on him, clutching his bloody arm. “What exactly was it that he did? Was it your little  _ arrangement _ ? Was it the mind games?”

Tim’s face was wet. When he’d started crying he didn’t know. He was surprised it hadn’t been sooner.

“C’mon, little birdy.” Slade cooed, stepping up until his chest was pressed right up against the muzzle of Tim’s gun. “What was it exactly that broke you?”

Tim’s chest heaved. “I am _ not broken! _ ”

Slade’s hand was at his wrist before he could even react, twisting it sharply, the gun falling from his numb fingers. 

Tim gasped in pain. In an almost, automatic response he punched Slade in the throat. The man let him go, stumbling backwards as he caught his breath.

Before Tim could breathe freely himself, the mercenary was barreling into him. They slammed into a table, collapsing it under the weight of both of them. Tim groaned as Slade’s heavy form pushed on his lower body, his legs practically useless to him. 

“C’mon, Drake. I’ve had enough of this teary-eyed, self-pity shit.” Slade panted, breath hot and close to Tim’s face. Tim twisted his head to the side, disgusted. “Where’s your anger? Where’s your fight?”

Tim shoved at his shoulders. “Get off of me.”

“You want me off you? Make me move.” He grunted a laugh at Tim’s continued struggling. “If this is the fight you gave Ra’s than it’s no wonder he won. For christ’s sake, kid, I could do anything I wanted to you right now.”

His hand slide under the material of Tim’s collar, his thumb stroking the side of Tim’s neck. 

Tim choked on a breath.

He slammed the heel of his hand up to Slade’s face and threw all of his bodyweight against him until he flipped their positions, falling gracelessly on top of the older man. Tim snatched a splintered table leg from beside Slade’s head and reared back with both arms…

Slade’s grip on his forearms was bruising. “That’s enough, kid. It’s ok. That’s enough.”

Tim didn’t relax his hold. 

“You don’t get to touch me like that.” Tim spat the words in his face. “ _ Nobody _ gets to touch me like that unless I say so.”     

Slade nodded. “I understand. Glad to know you still have some fight left in you after all. You’ll be glad to know we have ourselves a deal.”

The makeshift weapon clattered from Tim’s hands. His shifted off of Slade and slumped inwards, pressed his hands hard into his closed eyes. He could hear Slade moving slowly to his feet, brushing off the remains of the table they’d just destroyed. 

Slade squeezed his shoulder. “Get some sleep. You’ll feel better by tomorrow.”

Tim could only nod wearily.

* * *

Tim found himself a hotel near a metro station, nothing too fancy. He paid in cash for a two night stay and waved off the offer to be shown the way. He took the key and made his way up to the sixth floor in the small elevator. His room was the second to the end. As far a hotel rooms went it was nothing special, a large bed, a sitting area in the corner by the bathroom, and a balcony looking out towards the street. 

Tim locked the door and dropped his bag onto the bed. He headed into the bathroom and took a shower, hoping the hot water would ease some of the tension from his body. To some extent it did. 

Tim wrapped a towel around his waist and pulled his bag up the bed so he could rummage through it under the light of the lamp sitting on the bedside table. He’d packed sparingly. There was only so much stuff that he could get away with having on him before someone at the manor noticed he was packing for a trip. In the end he was left with his overnight bag, the one he usually brought when an important mission required him to stay on at the manor. A few pairs of clothes, some case files, and tech equipment.  

Tim pulled out his sleep clothes and stepped into his boxers and sweatpants. 

“I expected to find you an hour ago. My informants unfortunately were rendered unconscious.”

Tim swore and fell back into the bedside table, knocking the lamp sideways. It caught against the wall, casting Ra’s in a skewed light, half of his body illuminated, the other half cast in shadows. 

Ra’s took a step forward. “Was that your doing, Timothy? Or did you have help?”

Tim grabbed for the gun in his bag. His hands were so shaky that he fired two shots off at Ra’s before he had the time to properly aim.

Ra’s was moving towards him, if he got any closer he’d be able to knock the gun free of Tim’s hand. If he got any closer Tim was trapped against a wall. If he got any closer… Tim couldn’t relive that nightmare. If he was taken back to Ra’s’ compound again, there was little chance of him escaping on his own. He might be able to… but Tim wasn’t sure that he’d be willing to go through with it all again… the mind games, the sneaking around, the forced relations.

No, it was time for his last contingency plan… the one that Tim didn’t ever think he’d need to use.

He raised the gun to the side of his head, pressed the metal hard against the skin of his temple to stop his trembling hand. Tim squeezed his eyes shut, his finger finding the trigger.

“No!” Ra’s slammed him against the wall. He performed a nerve strike to Tim’s wrist and in seconds Tim’s fingers were numb, the gun sliding through them into Ra’s’ extended hand. Ra’s threw the gun behind him.

“You stupid boy.” Ra’s gasped. His hands weren’t grasping Tim anymore, but Tim still felt pinned in place against the wall. 

Ra’s reached for his cheek. Tim slapped his hand down and kept his arms up between them from there on out.

“What the hell do you think gives you the right to touch me, huh?”

“I thought it would comfort you.”

Tim stared at him. “It’s  _ you _ that makes me uncomfortable!”

“Timothy,” Ra’s murmured. His hands were on Tim’s arms again. He tried to step closer, but Tim shoved his hand against Ra’s collarbone and locked his arm. It was as much distance as he could enforce. Now Ra’s could only reach as far as Tim could. 

Ra’s glanced down at where Tim’s hand held him in place. “Can’t you see that I love you?”

“I can’t see it because it’s not true.”

“I love you—”

“And I love Jason!” Tim shouted back in his face.

It didn’t even make Ra’s flinch. “He left you.” 

“I love Jason Todd.” 

“I’m the one that chased after you.” Ra’s fingers were at his breast, stroking his fingers down. It was a close as he could get. “I’m the one that’s here now.”

Tim’s vision was blurry.

“I love him.”

“I love you. I’ll take care of you.”

“I—” Tim’s hand fell away. “I so  _ fucking  _ tired of being lonely.”

Ra’s took a step forwards. He kissed Tim’s cheek lightly. He kissed Tim’s jaw. Tim turned his head away. Ra’s let him cry, his chest shuddering with every other breath. His mouth worked its way down his neck. Ra’s planted his hands against Tim’s waist. They were large and warm and Tim didn’t think it would feel as good as it did, but Tim was cold and anywhere that Ra’s touched him was kissed with heat. 

“Tell me what you need, Timothy.”

_ This is a very bad idea… _

The sound of a gun being cocked.

“Back away from him, Grandfather.”

Ra’s turned around, one hand still resting against Tim’s waist. “Well, this is a surprise.”

“Damian?” croaked Tim.

Out of all the people that Tim thought would come after him, Damian was the least likely.

“Come now, Damian,” said Ra’s. “You’ll not really going to shoot me. Your feelings for Timothy are well known, so why don’t you go back to Gotham. We were in the middle of something.”

A bullet punched into the wall by Ra’s head. 

“You fucked up my family.” grunted Damian. “By hurting him you hurt  _ everyone _ . I’m very prepared to make this visit much more trouble than it’s worth for you. Leave. Final warning.”

There was a look in Damian’s eyes that scared Tim more than all of his death threats over the years combined. Ra’s saw it too. 

“I’ll see you later, Timothy.” 

And then Ra’s was out through the window like he’d never been there at all.

Tim hugged his arms. “Damian…”

“Get in bed and go to sleep.” Damian pointed with the gun towards the bed.

“Listen, I just—”

“Move it, Drake. I’ll keep watch and make sure he doesn’t come back.”

Tim shoved his hair back roughly. “Will you just shut up a second and let me thank you!”

Damian’s brow furrowed. “You didn’t look too grateful when I showed up. Was he telling the truth? Were you really going to—”

“No.” Tim stared at the floor.. “I don’t know. I haven’t really been myself lately.”

It was the best answer Tim could give him. 

Damian nodded and pulled one of the chairs over to the window. Tim climbed into the bed and pulled the covers up to his chest. He laid on his side for a while, watching his brother curled up in the seat of the chair, the gun tucked in his lap. Before he knew it, he’d fallen asleep.


	18. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. Sorry to say you get a short chapter this week, partially because my life is garbage right now and I don't have time to write more, but also because I thought it was better to split this into two different chapters because the mood of this chapter is going to be different than next chapters and it would have been kind of jarring and emotionally heavy. So this chapter is basically one long conversation, but I think you'll still enjoy it because Damian is in this chapter again and he's great. I'm really enjoying writing his character's perspective on the events of previous chapters. Tell me what you think!

_“History is painted by the winners. Keep your paints wet. Trust me, I have things to say.”_ —  “Landscape with Several Small Fires”, Richard Siken, 

 

When Tim pushed himself out of the nest of blankets he’d made in the center of the bed, the sun was already setting over the rooftops across the street. Tim shoved a pillow against the headboard and propped himself against it. He twisted his watch around in his wrist and examined the time. Despite sleeping for nearly twelve hours or more, Tim’s limbs still felt heavy with sleep. 

A brown paper bag was tossed into the space between Tim’s crossed legs. Tim’s eyes flashed up to Damian, slouched in the same chair from the other night, now pulled to the end of Tim’s bed. The younger boy’s eyes were fixed on him, head resting against his fist, looking bored.

Tim unrolled the top of the paper bag and peeked inside to examine the contents. A bottle of water and a baguette sandwich.  Tim’s stomach growled at the sight of food and he had the sandwich unwrapped and was tearing into it in an instant. 

A hand seized his wrist, effectively stalling him. 

Tim blinked up at Damian, who’d moved all at once from the chair to the middle of the bed. 

Tim spoke around a large bite of sandwich, his words muffled. “What?”

The younger boy gave his wrist a squeeze. “The only thing you’ve consumed in the last sixteen hours was two shots of vodka. Eat slower. You’ll only make yourself sick.”

Tim nodded, eyeing him warily. He shook Damian’s hand off his arm, and went back to his sandwich, slower this time. He stared down at his sandwich, taking the time between bites to process that information. Damian had seen him at the bar, Tim had to assume that he knew about Slade and the deal Tim had made as well.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” He eyed him beneath his lashes. “Buying me food. Watching over me while I sleep? Our relationship was never at that level. When did we suddenly become  _ this _ .” 

He gestured vaguely between the two of them.

Damian shrugged and picked at the upholstered chair. “I should have been the one to go on that mission, but you took my place and gave Ra’s something you knew he couldn’t pass up. In doing so, you increased the risks ten-fold. I owe you, but I couldn’t give you the help you really needed in Gotham… not when everyone was so busy trying to keep you safe and righteous. Now you’re here. You’re doing what you need to do to survive, even if that means cutting your ties and playing dirty. After I’d found out you’d left Gotham, I knew this was when I’d finally be useful to you.”

His words settled uneasily inside Tim’s stomach. There was something almost eager in Damian’s voice, like he’d been restless to offer his aid to Tim and was glad that the time had finally arrived. Tim had never thought about how all of this might have made Damian feel. He didn’t think the boy would want to be involved.

Tim pinched the bridge of his nose. “What is it exactly, that you think you can do for me, batbrat?

“Ra’s may be my family by blood, but you, Dick, Bruce, you’re the family that I chose. I chose to follow Bruce’s rules when I came into this family, but it’s never as simple as all of that. I was raised to follow in Ra’s al Ghul’s footsteps… to be a merciless killer, and every day it’s a struggle not to act on those instincts.”

Tim swallowed, mouth dry. Who was this boy that was exposing himself to Tim? He was so unfamiliar to the boy Tim had known two weeks ago. Tim looked Damian in the eyes and felt like he was looking at a kindred spirit, someone else with a war raging under his skin.

Damian leaned forward in his chair. “Bruce likes to simplify the world into black and white, but you’re stuck in a gray area. Forget what other people think, the only right and wrong is what you decide. This is affecting your life. You’re allowed to choose for yourself and whatever you choose, I’ll help you.”

Tim swallowed, mouth dry. “Even if I decide to kill him?”

Damian inclined his head. “I’ll follow you, but you should know that that’s not the right decision.”

Tim wanted to laugh. “Says who?”

Damian was quiet for a moment.

"Why do you think he’s doing it?” he asked Tim. “Sending the photos? Calling you? Coming here?"

He sounded like a teacher prompting a class into discussion. Like he knew the answer that Tim didn’t and was guiding Tim in the right direction. Tim decided to play along, willing to let an uncommon event such as this play out, if only to see where it went.

"He's trying to distract me so I'll make a mistake." said Tim.

"Exactly," grunted Damian. "He knows that your emotions are your weaknesses and he knows that you know that as well.”

“If he knows, then why do it? He knows he won’t get a rise out of me that way. Why not just change strategies?”

“Because he’s getting exactly the results he wants by playing it this way.”

Tim squinted at him. “How so?”

“Let’s run the scenario through a bit further… Ra’s wants you to be emotional, so what do you do? You stomp those emotions down, stop patrolling, lock yourself in the manor so you can think of a way to defeat him. But you're going up against the world's most notorious villain, who can you rely on to help you? Whose strong enough? None of your friends, that's for sure. So you start conspiring with villains like Deathstroke. Villains who share Ra's’ sociopathic-mindset. And the more you start to think like him and fight like him the more you start to become him."

"I wouldn't let that happen. I'm not like him." objected Tim, but the logic made sense. Damian’s theory was clicking into place. 

"Oh no, not yet you aren't." Damian's smile was cold. "But there's a very fine line comprised of morals and friendships that separates you from him. But not everything has unfolded yet. So let's keep going..."

He tapped his fingers on his chin like he was thinking over his options.

"Let's skip to when Batman finds out who you've been working with, because we  _ all  _ know he's going to eventually. Ironically, it'll play out just like that little lie you spun for Grandfather that got you into this mess in the first place. Except this time, it will be for real and when Batman disowns you you'll have nobody to help you— and I mean nobody— not Jason, who despises you; not your family, who's been sworn against aiding you; and not your friends, who you've separated yourself from for so long you barely know them anymore. And then you'll be easy pickings: either you'll come to him willingly or he'll snatch you up. And then that's it... You're his.” 

“Last night, Tim… that was a precursor for what's about to come."

Tim stared at him, the full weight of Damian's words sinking in, and he realized that he was right. Ra's was playing Tim like a flute.

"I thought I was the tactician in the family." He grunted more than a little afraid of this side of Damian. Tim thought it must be the al-Ghul side of him.

It was confirmed not a second later when Damian replied, "Grandfather might call you 'Detective' but I’m an al-Ghul. I've watched him defeat men without ever lifting his sword. I know how it’s done. And trust me, I've thought about ruining you many times in the past."

"Then what can I do? It's hopeless." sighed Tim, shoving his food away from him brutally. He didn’t have much of an appetite after that revelation anyway.

Damian crouched down in front of him so that they were eye to eye. It was an unnerving sight. "Stick with the people who make you  _ you _ . You face your fears,Tim… You face Jason."

Tim tore his eyes away and stared into his lap. His fingers played with the oversized t-shirt he wore, stolen from Jason’s apartment. 

"Jason hates me," said Tim, "He'll be more inclined to gut me on sight than help me. Even against Ra's."

"As much as he despises you for your past choices, Jason could never hate you enough to send you back to Ra's. Jason doesn't know Ra's like you and I do. He assumes Ra's will lose interest eventually. He’s wrong."

"It's a sentimental thought but what would winning his pity do for me?" asked Tim.

"Win Jason back to your side and you'll have strayed far enough off of the path Ra's has sent you down to change the outcome.”

Tim looked up in time to catch Damian’s smile. For a second he thought he’d imagined it.

“It's all a game, Tim. Change the outcome, change your fate."

And for the first time in a very long while, Tim felt hopeful. It made Tim feel giddy enough that he had to bury his teeth into his bottom lip to keep from making some kind of embarrassing noise. He had no delusions that persuading Jason would be an easy task by any means, but he was willing to try if Damian’s theory held true. 


	19. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so wow this chapter was so emotional for me AND therapeutic. I wasn't expecting to resolve some issues in the way I did in this chapter, but it kinda feels right. Much like my characters in this chapter, I felt broken down by the events of this story and couldn't bear adding any more pain to this story. I just want these two idiots to be happy, darn it! So, here you go. I hope you like it...

_“We were lovers that had lived and died together, and our date ended as they always had in life: with both of us trying not to cry, looking at the floor and wishing we could be more than our shared self-hatred.”— “_ Dating a Mutual Ghost _”_ , Meggie Royer

 

When they readied to leave Paris in the same private plane Tim had piloted into the country in, it was already dark. The city lights twinkled at them as Tim looked out the window from the co-pilot’s seat. Damian had been very adamant about taking the pilot’s chair, scoffing at Tim’s offer to fly home.

“You’ve already made more than enough bad decisions this week. Please, let’s not add to the list.”

Tim slid into the co-pilot’s chair. “Bad decisions? I got myself here in one piece, I’m pretty sure I can get back just fine without you, Damian.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, but the truth is you’ve been helped through every stage of this little adventure of yours. I just helped you break up with Deathstroke—”

“We did not _break up_ ,” Tim cut in quickly. “It was a business relationship.”

Damian rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever, Drake. The point is you got your panties in a wad over the prospect of calling him to break off the deal and I had to do it otherwise we’d be here for days.”

Tim eyed him. Damian might be complaining now, but Tim thought he’d enjoyed making that call a little too much. “Was he mad?”

Damian glared at him. “He can get over it. Serves him right for enabling you.”

Tim had never felt shameful because of an eleven year old boy.

Their conversation lapsed into silence as Damian taxied down the runway and concentrated on getting the plane into the air. It wasn’t until they’d leveled out that Damian continued speaking.

“So, where was I?”

Tim pulled his gaze away from the window where he’d been watching the wisps of clouds part around them, hazy and gray in the night sky.

“Oh right,” Damian continued. “Your false sense of autonomy—”

It was Tim’s turn to glare.

“I helped with Deathstroke, Aunt Nyssa helped you bring back Todd, Mother’s men help you with that doctor and his family—”

Tim shoved himself around in his seat. “What? The family— they got out?”

“Yeah,” Damian glaced at him worriedly, setting the controls to autopilot. “Mother told me a few days ago… smuggled them onto a plane heading to the U.S. Grandfather was too busy looking for you to notice. I thought she’d told you as well.”

Tim shook his head.

“No. I just assumed that they never made it out,” said Tim, mostly to himself.

He slumped down in his chair after that, lost in his own thoughts. Damian seemed content to leave him that way. It was a long flight back to Gotham and Tim would have this new piece of information and more to think on before they got there. He just hoped he’d have some sort of idea of what to do once the wheels hit the ground.

* * *

Tim climbed the stairs to the apartment with the intense knowledge that he had no idea of what he was going to do or say. Hours spent playing out the situation in his head had left him feeling nauseated and utterly conflicted. The only conclusion that he’d managed to come to as they were stepping into a taxi car, was that he would be a victim of his emotions… what those would be when he looked the man in the face, he wouldn’t know until the time arrived.

The fluorescent lights sputtered overhead like they were signalling to them in morse code, the bulbs a day or so from dying completely. The erratic flashes of light cast harsh shadows in the creases of Damian’s jacket as he lead the way up the stairs in front of him.

When they reached the door, standing arm to arm, Damian paused to look at him.

“I’m going to need you to stand over there for a minute.”

Damian pointed to the wall beside the door.

“Why?”

Damian worked his jaw and sighed. “Don’t make me say it. You know why.”

Tim did know. The spot Damian had pointed to was far enough away that if someone answered the door Tim would be out of their direct line of sight. Tim knew why… he just didn’t understand why it had to hurt so much.

Tim rubbed at his eyes and took a few steps to the side.

Damian nodded approvingly and knocked on the door. They stood there for some time in silence before Damian scowled and banged his fist against the wood and kept at it until the door was yanked open a minute later.

“What, asshole!” Jason barked. From where Tim stood, he could see the profile of Jason’s body set against the afternoon sunlight streaming in from the window at the end of the hall. The side of Jason facing Tim was cast in shadow, the sunlight catching in the beads of water that clung in his wet hair and glided down his arms to where his hand fisted a terry cloth towel against his hip. Tim would have had to be blind for the sight not to pull at something deep within his gut. It was desire and fuck if Tim didn't hate the fact that he wanted a boy who didn't want him.

Tim could see the moment Jason blinked and realized who was standing in front of his door. Damian let his hand fall to his side and readjusted his jacket.

“What the hell are you doing here, Batbrat?”

“It’s time that you two talked.”

Damian’s eyes flashed over to Tim and back to Jason. Jason went ridged as Tim stepped into his line of sight. Tim tilted his chin up and met his gaze evenly. After dealing with the likes of Ra’s and Slade Wilson, it almost felt easy. Who was this man, he thought, that could tear him to pieces so easily? Did he know he possessed this power over Tim?

He could sense that Jason wanted to close the door in their faces and lock it, but instead he opened the door wider and stood stiffly as Damian and Tim crossed the threshold. Jason closed the door and stared around the room like he didn’t recognize the place.

He rubbed his free hand against his jaw before saying, “Give me a moment to put some clothes on.”

He hurried down the hall on bare feet.

Tim looked around the space. It was different from when Tim had last been there. New windows had been installed, the broken glass was gone, the smashed furniture shoved into a pile in the corner of the room. He wondered when Jason had come back and cleaned it up. Was it when Tim had left the country? Did he even _know_ that Tim had left the country?”

Damian took a seat at the end of the kitchen table while they waited. There were files spread across the table top. As Damian flipped through Jason’s handwritten notes, Tim realized they were files of league associates.

“Todd’s been trading information with Mother.” said Damian. “These are the league’s records… Or parts of them anyway. Looks like he was taking a different approach to stopping Grandfather’s schemes.”

The boy motioned for Tim to take the chair on his right, “Don’t you want to sit?”

Tim shook his head.

He walked around the table and propped himself against the wall behind the offered chair. From this position he had a clear shot towards the apartment door. With his eyes still fixed on the front door he asked, “Why would he do that? It’s not his fight. He made that infinitely clear when he left me alone to deal with this.”

Damian’s eyebrow arched as he studied the information laid out in front of him. “Maybe he left so that you could get better while he dealt with Ra’s for you.”

Tim snapped, “If he wanted me to get better he should have stayed.”

Damian eyed him, quietly. Tim was just about to ask him _what_ it was he saw that was so curious, when footsteps sounded down the hall.  

Jason returned dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt that clung to the damp skin on his chest and shoulders. Tim dug his teeth into his bottom lip and dragged his eyes up to meet Jason’s green eyes.

Jason leaned against the opposite wall, meeting his eyes over Damian’s head. The older man appraised him.

“You look like you need sleep.”

“I could say the same to you,” Tim countered.

“What are you doing here, Tim? And with Damian of all people.”

Damian turned in his chair to address Jason. “I’m sorry… what is _that_ supposed to mean?”

Jason rolled his eyes at him. “You know damn well what it means. You two are an unlikely fucking pair to be showing up on someone’s doorstep, acting like you’re best friends all of a sudden.”

Damian clapped. “Well, I’m glad you’re finally putting those detective skills to use. Have you figured out why we’re together? What it means for two people who hate each other to be standing peacefully together in a room?”

Damian’s teaching voice was making a comeback. Tim smirked at Jason’s aggravated expression. It was fun to watch when it wasn’t directed at him.

Jason ground his teeth. “Just say what you want to say already.”

“It means that we’re family and family sticks together when shit starts to get heavy. Tim’s gotten himself into a lot of shit recently and I’m standing knee deep in it right next to him.”

“Has anyone ever told you how eloquent you can be when you put your mind to it?”

“Shut up, Todd. I wasn’t finished.”

Damian sighed and seemed to pick up mentally from where he’d left off.

“We’re family. That means that we’re going to be a part of your life and you are going to deal with it. That’s a two-way street, Todd… I’ve seen what you’ve been working on lately.”

Damian jerked his chin towards the files on the table.

“Even when you’re not _involved_ with Tim, you’re still involved. You still care about him and that’s why I think there’s some recent events you need to be made aware of.”

Jason’s body unfolded, unease present in his alert posture. “Like what?”

“Well for starters,” Damian unzipped a pocket of the backpack he carried on one shoulder. “Here’s your gun back.”

He placed it down on top of the file folders.

Jason stared at it in shock. “How— where did you even—”

“I took it off of Tim last night. I found him in a hotel room in Paris with my grandfather.”

“Ra’s?” Jason swallowed. “Please tell me you didn't—”

Tim crossed his arms over his chest and studied his shoes. “I tried to kill him. I missed. If Damian hadn't come when he did…”

Tim shrugged and fell silent.

“Why were you in Paris?” asked Jason.

Tim pressed his lips together tightly and shifted his gaze to the wall by Jason’s shoulder. Damian sighed at Tim’s silence.

“He went to find Slade Wilson to put a hit out on Ra’s.”

Though he spoke for Tim again, the look he flashed Tim afterwards told Tim that it would be the last thing he said from here on out. He’d brought Tim here for him to work things out with Jason, not to do it for him.

“So you’re putting hits out on people now?” said Jason. “And that doesn’t conflict with your morals at all?”

“You want to talk to me about morals?” Tim quirked a brow. “ _You?_ ”

Jason crossed his arms. “I’m not talking about my principles here. I’m talking about yours, because the boy _I knew_ —”

“I’m not the same person that you left behind.”

Tim fixed his eyes on him and let his words hang in the air between them. He wanted Jason to feel the full weight of them, to compare Tim to this former self and see if he still liked the boy standing in front of him.

He felt no shame when he spoke. “What I did, I did to survive and Slade was a card that Ra’s wouldn’t think I’d play. All I had to do was win Slade over.”

Jason shoved off the wall and rounded the table towards him.

Tim met him halfway.

“Fucking hell, Tim! Have you lost your damn mind? How could you possibly do something so idio—”

Tim punched him as hard as he could in the face.

“You _do not_ get to criticize me!” He shouted, as Jason doubled over with a bloody mouth. Tim ignored the stinging in his hand.

“You weren’t there, Jason! While I was busy making all the hard choices, you were hooking up with a stranger. Did you even get my message? Did you even give a shit?”

Jason straightened, a hand wiping the blood from his chin. His fury, present only a moment ago, had vanished from his face.

Now Jason’s eyes were soft. “I got it and I do give a shit… way too much of a shit when it comes to you. ”

It infuriated Tim that his words could tug at his heart. He was justified in his anger. Jason shouldn’t be able to make that go away with only a few words.

“Then why did you do it?”

Jason tilted his head away toward the papers spread on the table.

A ray of sunlight cut across his face, illuminating his eyelashes and the freckles sprinkled across the bridge of his nose. If Tim took the time, he could map them out like constellations in the night sky. Tim ground his teeth and shouted at himself. _Stop it. Stop seeing the beauty in this boy’s face. He’s cold and he’s cruel inside and he left you on your own._

“I thought someone else might help me forget about you.” Green eyes returned to meet his. “He didn't.”

Jason stepped closer. Tim looked up at him warily.

“You’re under my skin and I can't shake you. I’m tired of fighting my feelings for you.”

Tim ducked his gaze. “Don’t play with me, Jason. If you can’t take me as I am now, then I don’t want you.”

Jason’s fingers skimmed his jaw. He saw the way Tim shrunk away from his touch and Jason stepped backwards towards the wall.

“I want to stay.” It was less a demand than a plea.

“Even if I’m broken?” Tim’s voice was hoarse. “I can’t even recognize myself anymore. What if I’m not the boy you fell in love with before? Ra’s stole something from me when he took you away, something I don’t think I can ever get back.”

Jason’s presence returned, the tips of his fingers skimming the pads of Tim’s own. The barest of a touch. Tim leaned in, feeling the heat of Jason’s breath against his skin. Jason buried his nose in Tim’s hair. He dipped his chin to nuzzle his nose against the cool skin of Tim’s forehead.

Tim shivered.

“You’re not broken.” Jason breathed, “ Just changed. I don’t love you for your looks or your innocence. I love you for your strength, and even after all that Ra’s has done, he never broke that. You’re the strongest person I know, Tim.”

Tim pressed his face into Jason’s chest, his fingers tightening in the soft material of his shirt. “I’m not strong. When he was in my room in Paris last night, I couldn’t bear the thought of him having me again… The only reason I’m still standing here is because he pulled the gun away from my head.”

Jason’s hands came up to caress his back. He took a horribly long moment to absorb that information, pressing shaky kisses into Tim’s bangs. All the while, Tim listened to his uneven breathing as Jason tried to keep himself from crying. He had to wait a long time before the pained noises stopped, Jason’s fingers, that had been playing with the baby hairs at the nape of his neck, falling away.

When Jason spoke over Tim’s head, his voice was rough around the edges.

“Damian, give us some time alone, would you? An hour… whatever you can get before everyone comes asking questions.”

Damian nodded. “I’ll hold them off for as long as I can.”

He had his bag in his hands and was out the door without another word. When the door had closed behind him, Jason shifted backwards, his hand coming to rest on Tim’s shoulders. Tim looked up at his face, the wetness staining his cheek reflecting in the sunlight.

Jason wiped under one eye with the back of his hand. “You should have told me. If you’d called me I would have been there in an instant. Damn it, Tim. I was angry, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still care about you.”

“Everything had been happening so fast, and I was just so tired of running and fighting for every second of freedom. I’m afraid to think of what I would have let Ra’s do to me if Damian hadn’t put a stop to it when he did.”

Jason reacted as if burned, snatching his hands away from Tim. “Christ, I'm sorry. I didn’t even ask… I shouldn’t be touching you—”

Tim caught one of his hands and placed it back on his hip. “Jason, it’s okay. I know you’d never touch me like he does. I’m never scared when you put your hands on me… you’re soft. Gentle. You’re so very far from being him.’’

Jason’s hand cupped his face. “I should have never left you. Forgive me. Please, forgive me, I love you so fucking much.”

Tim’s tears slid down his cheeks and splashed onto Jason’s fingers. “I forgive you, Jason. Do you forgive me?”

As an answer, Jason captured his lips in his own. They were wet and salty with the combination of their tears. Jason’s hands were in Tim’s hair as he pressed gasping kisses to Tim’s lips.

“I love you,” he breathed between each kiss and Tim echoed him word for word for a long time before they finally lapsed into an exhausted silence, locked together in each other’s arms.

“What now?” Tim whispered against Jason’s breast.

Jason slid his hand into Tim’s and pulled him towards his bedroom. Tim moved uncertainly into the bed after Jason, wondering what the next step from here would be. He trusted Jason, but he wasn’t sure if he was up to being intimate so soon.

To his surprise, Jason settled on his back and pulled Tim to lie down on his front next to him. Tim shifted closer until his head rested against Jason’s chest, his arm snaking around the middle of his stomach. Jason kicked the covers up over them and let his hand settle against Tim’s lower back, his thumb rubbing soothing circles over Tim’s tailbone.

Tim melted into the touch, the tension easing from his body.

“Let’s get some sleep while we can, babybird. I think we both need it. Everything else can wait.”


	20. Sorry, this isn't a chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, not a chapter, just a little insert for fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this isn't a chapter, but I figured I'd give you guys something to gnaw on while I finish the next chapter. Real life has literally slammed the brakes on all of my writing and creative hobbies right now and I can't see anything picking up again until at least a few more weeks. I've only been able to squeeze in around two hours of writing per week. So I decided to post this sampling of poem quotes that didn't make it into the beginnings of chapters but did greatly influence my thoughts and writing on certain previous chapters. I want to explicitly state that none of these quotes are written by me and I take no credit for them, but if you like any of these poems be sure to look up the writers and support them... minus the non-contemporary quotes/writers, of course. All of the contemporary ones can all be found on Tumblr :)

**Jason :**

  
**This poem makes me think of Jason Todd. This was especially helpful when trying to get into Jason’s headspace and understand his reasoning for his actions and words when it comes to Tim and his family members. Jason views himself as this dark and unholy creature, like Frankenstein’s monster. He’s living a second-chance life but feels like he is breaking some sacred law of nature by doing so.**

  
“Your fingers dig into anything soft that dares to touch you, you squeeze and squeeze until it turns to stone beneath your hands and breaks your knuckles and rips away.  
It always rips away. You feel like a coffin because everyone is scared to look inside you, because everyone thanks whatever lucky stars they managed to find that they haven’t been laid in your arms yet, because everyone is trying to bury you.  
Because you feel like you only hold dead things…  
Warm things only tell lies.  
The cemeteries they left in your chest won’t grow any flowers, no matter how much it rains. Lonely and unholy almost rhyme for a reason, just like your name and all the pretty words they tried to tell you…  
Like the way your unforgiveness echoes in a church, where you wanted to have a wedding and where no one would come to your funeral and then you’re on the floor, crying and screaming and praying, no, begging  
God  
Please let something good come and  
Please make that something stay.” — “When the lonely turns unholy”, **Elizabeth McNamara**

**I read through this poem while writing the scenes after Tim and Jason part ways after their mission. This poem helped me nail down Jason’s thoughts while seeking comfort with another man while Tim was in France.**

“And then what do you do?  
You climb into dirty sheets and your mouth tastes like vodka and someone you don’t remember kissing and you tell yourself that there’s always tomorrow but what if there wasn’t?  
Isn’t?  
How many mistakes can you make  
How many different types of messed up can you be  
Before the slate is still dirty in the morning?  
How many wrong numbers does it take?  
When does a bad day become a bad week become a bad year become this is your life, now;  
and today becomes tomorrow becomes the same foggy eyed smudged mirror you’re always looking into?  
And they ask you, they ask  
“What are you so afraid of?”  
And somehow it’s always that  
You can’t kill the doubt  
without killing yourself.” — “23, part 1”, **Elizabeth McNamara**.

**This poem had a heavy influence on my ideas about how Jason was feeling after finding out Tim went against his dying wish. To me it reflects his thoughts on Tim’s views and expectations of him.**

‘You saved my life,’ he says. ‘I owe you everything.’  
You don’t, I say. You don’t owe me squat, let’s just get going, let’s just get gone.  
but he’s relentless.  
Keeps saying  
'I owe you,’  
says  
'Your shoes are filling with your own damn blood, you must want something, just tell me, and it’s yours.’  
But I can’t look at him, can hardly speak.  
I took the bullet for all the wrong reasons, I’d just as soon kill you myself, I say.  
You keep saying 'I owe you, I owe…’ but you say the same thing every time…  
Do you see what I’m getting at?  
You swallowing matches and suddenly I’m yelling 'Strike me. Strike anywhere.’  
I swear, I end up feeling empty, like you’ve taken something out of me, and I have to search my body for the scars, thinking  
'Did he find that one last tender place to sink his teeth in?’  
I know you want me to say it, Henry,  
it’s in the script, you want me to say  
'Lie down on the bed, you’re all I ever wanted, and worth dying for, too’  
but I think I’d rather keep the bullet this time. It’s mine, you can’t have it, see,  
I’m not giving it up. This way you still owe me, and that’s as good as anything.  
You can’t get out of this one, Henry, you can’t get it out of me.  
And with this bullet lodged in my chest, covered with your name, I will turn myself into a gun, because it’s all I have.  
Because I’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own.” —”Wishbone”, **Richard Siken**.

**A line that makes me think about Jason and relationships.**

  
“I know better than anyone that I’m more accustomed to holding a knife than holding someone’s hand.” — “Psych Ward Lover”, **Meggie Royer**

  
**Tim** :

  
**Three poem segments that reflect Tim’s relationship with Ra’s. The second one portraying their view of each other.**

  
“And no one can figure out what you want, and you won’t tell them, and you realize that the one person in the world who loves you isn’t the one that you thought it would be, and you don’t trust him to love you in a way that you would enjoy.” — Crush, **Richard Siken**

“They are the same and they are not the same. They are the same and they hate each other for it.”— **Richard Siken** , excerpt of “You Are Jeff”

  
“I hope it’s love. I’m trying really hard to make it love. I said no more severity” — **Richard Siken**.

  
**Poems that flowed into my writing when writing the chapter after the completion of the mission, where Jason and Tim are skirting around each other and occasionally butting heads**

  
“Do not leave. The sound of locks clicking on your door will give me nightmares and I will say it is your fault. Know that it is not.” — “Terms and Conditions”, **Elizabeth McNamara**.

“Knock on my door and find that I am still soft for you, always. I know I’m not home to you anymore but I never asked for the keys back. I have not changed the locks” — “My body is an invitation to lay your burdens down”, **Elizabeth McNamara**

“I worked hard for everything I have. Even your resentment, I earned.” — **Warsan Shire**

  
**Poems that reflect Tim’s internal conflict after Jason walks out on him.**

  
“stay  
i whispered  
as you  
shut the door behind you” — **Rupi Kaur**

“You may blame Aphrodite soft as she is she has almost killed me with love for that boy” — **Sappho**

  
“He isn’t coming back  
Whispered my head  
He has to  
Sobbed my heart” — “Wilting”, **Rupi Kaur**

**Tim’s thoughts about his family’s actions towards him after Jason leaves.**

  
“Everyone is “extremely nice”  
—and yet I feel entirely alone. (“Abandonitis”).”  
― **Roland Barthes** , Mourning Diary

 

 


	21. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now this is the actual chapter. You didn't have to wait as long because I decided to split it in half again to keep the moods consistent.

“You and I wear the dangerous looseness of doom and find it becoming.” —“ Introduction: New & Selected Poems. ”,  E.E. Cummings

They came as a group, ambushing them in Jason’s small kitchen, the only warning— a text from Damian offering a five minute warning. There was no knock at the door, just the turn of the lock as Dick used his key to let them in. 

Jason turned away from Tim to lean back against the counter, silently appraising the group. Tim knew they were waiting for him to turn as well, but Tim refused to do so until the coffee maker started dripping dark liquid into the pot. He had no doubts that this would be a long talk and coffee would be necessary to keep his calm. 

When he turned he was greeted by five pairs of eyes that followed his movements. 

He hadn’t expected to see all of them here. If they were going to be lectured on their individual actions over the past couple of days, he expected it to come from Dick and Bruce. Damian had already voiced his opinions on their decisions more than enough, as far as Tim was concerned. Tim hoped that the younger boy had just come to enjoy the show… except he was having a hard time believing that. After everything that Damian had done for him and revealed to him over the course of a day, Tim understand that he took no pleasure from watching this play out. And if he wasn’t here to gloat or to chastise, then why was he here?

Jason must have been thinking something similar for he grunted and said, “Man, you called in the calvary? I guess we really are in some deep shit. What is this a family roast? Everyone’s gonna get a chance to take their best shot at us?”

Steph’s brow creased with confusion, and perhaps a small bit of pain. “We’re not here to kick you when you’re down, Jason. We’re here to help.”

Jason’s eyes slitted. “Oh, yeah? Like how you helped Tim before? Locking him in a room like he’s a child with false promises that everything will be okay?”

Tim swallowed quickly and shifted his weight. He couldn’t help the sudden flash of heat that surged through his gut at Jason’s heated words. He knew that the older boy was jumping to his defence and a large part of Tim wanted to be relieved that Jason was there defending him again, snapping at anyone who might hurt him like a vicious dog. Another part of him, however, understood how misplaced his intentions were. 

Tim bit hard into the side of his lip, but couldn’t stop himself from speaking. It needed to be said.

“You don’t get to say that, Jason. You’re just as guilty as they are in this, except where they stayed… you abandoned me.”

Jason twisted around to look at him, the anger on his face slipping away to reveal the vulnerable cracks underneath. Tim couldn’t stand that raw look. 

He licked his dry lips and continued. “That’s not to say I’m free of blame, because I’m not. I’m just as guilty as you.”

Bruce looked around at all of them. “We’ve all made mistakes and hurt the ones we care about as a result, but we can’t move forward until this is forgiven.”

Tim gave a weak laugh. “Forgiven? You’re being very naive if you think any of this can be forgiven and forgotten. I think I speak for both of us when I say that I might move on, but that doesn’t mean I won’t still hate you all for your actions.”

“He’s right,” said Jason, eyes cast towards the floor, evidently deep in thought. Jason shrugged one shoulder. “I love Tim and would do anything for him, but I don’t think I can ever forgive him for what he’s done. My love for him doesn’t erase my hatred for his past actions… at most one counterbalances the other.”

“What we’ve done can’t be easily forgiven, but with time, hopefully we can mend the wounds so that they won’t leave scars.”

Tim met Jason’s eyes and slid further to the side until he was leaning against the counter next to him, their elbows touching, their fingers brushing until eventually their fingers intertwined. 

Dick seemed to want to smile at the sight of them together, but another thought dragged his expression into a troubled frown. “But none of that can happen until we deal with the most immediate problem. Ra’s al Ghul.”

“As past experiences have proven, he isn’t going to take no for an answer.” said Bruce. “If he won’t stop, we’ll make him stop.”

“Yeah?” snapped Tim, “How’s that?” He couldn’t help the irritation that threaded through his voice. It just felt like Bruce was rubbing salt into an open wound. After all, it was Tim who had been fighting toe to toe with Ra’s for two weeks straight, getting further from victory with every encounter. Yet here stood Bruce, pretending he had all the answers— like Tim hadn’t been wracking his brain for the same thing for days now.   

Bruce eyed him in that same way he’d done the last Tim had gotten the nerve to lash out at him. It wasn’t anger or disappointment… no. Bruce understood well enough that he didn’t have the right to feel those emotions. The look seemed like more of an acknowledgement, noting that Tim and Jason were justified in their anger and willing to let events play out in whatever way his children wanted them to. 

Tim pressed his lips together. In truth he didn’t want to be fighting Bruce. He wasn’t the real enemy here. Their family’s hastily formed peace left Tim feeling like they were standing on a stretch of volcanic rock. Fractured in places and barely holding itself together, their anger spitting lava through the cracks, it would be impossible to move forward until their tempers had cooled. 

Bruce looked silently between Tim and Jason for another minute, making sure that whatever needed to be said got its opening.

“We go after him together… as a family. Since it’s impossible to change his mind, the only other option we have is to take his resources away from him.”

Damian stepped forward. “Right now, Grandfather is on the hunt for you, which means that he’ll be based at Nanda Parbat. It’s the strongest league base with the largest force of assassins and the most advanced tech. We dismantle that base and he won’t be able to hunt for you. Not until he’s rebuilt his organization.”

Tim bit his lip, thinking it over. “It’s a temporary solution at best. Knowing Ra’s, he’ll have the league up and running again in a month, at most two.”

“Oh, undoubtedly,” grunted Damian.

Bruce nodded. “I know, but it’ll give you time to get back on your feet and it’ll give us time to come up with a better plan.”

“Okay,” Jason scratched behind his ear. “So dismantling a base. That doesn’t sound so hard. With the firepower on the Batwing we might be able to do it without our feet ever hitting the ground. If we’re really lucky, maybe a wall will squash Ra’s into a pancake and save us all a lot of trouble.”

Steph shifted closer to Jason to give him a not so sly fist bump. 

“One can always hope, right?” she smiled.

Bruce shook his head. “We won’t be blowing up anything. We’re all going in there to take down as many ninjas as possible and lock down any valuable tech. If it can’t be accessed and altered then we’ll fry it.”

Bruce turned to Tim. “I’m leaving that part up to you, Steph, and Damian. Barbara will be assisting you remotely—”

“No!” Jason barked out so sharply that Tim flinched hard against him. The grin he’d been sporting a moment ago had dropped right off his face.

Tim stared at Jason as he pulled his hand free of Tim’s in order to advance on Bruce. 

“I’m not letting you pull him into this again. Tim’s staying here. Get someone else to hacked computers for you. Fuck knows we all know how to do it! You never left a stone unturned when it came to training us, that’s for sure!”

One step forward, thought Tim, two steps back.

“Jason,” Tim gripped his arm above the elbow and gave it what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze. “It’s okay. Honestly. I’ll be with Steph an—”

Jason turned on him suddenly. “No, it’s not fine! It’s _ not fine _ , Tim. I want you to stay here where you’re safe. I won’t stand by and watch him throw you into that psycho’s arms again.”

Bruce had held his tongue while Tim and Jason spoke freely with each other, but now he spoke up. “Do you really believe that Tim would be safer if we left him at home while we did this? Call me reckless for bringing him with us, but I think there’s just as much of a chance of this being a trap. What if Ra’s expects us to leave him? Do you really want to take that risk?”

A mirthless laugh bubbled out from Jason’s lips. “That’s fucking cruel, Bruce. You’re going into this mission expecting Tim to be taken from us. The only question you pose to me is if I’d rather fight alongside him and watch him get taken right in front of my eyes or leave him here in false safety.”

Tim squeezed his eyes shut.

Jason shook his head and continued, “All you really care to know is which decision I could live with.”

He’d had enough of this… He couldn’t stand here listening to this same conversation play out over and over again. All of this talk about him, yet it was never posed to him. Tim was so tired of being the chess piece moved around of the board.

He slammed his fist down on the countertop, drawing eyes to him. “ _ Stop _ talking about me like I don’t have a say in any of this, because I do. I love you guys, but your opinions on this matter don’t mean  _ shit _ . It’s my choice and I say I’m going.”

He’d apparently shocked the room into silence, though Damian smirked approvingly from across the room. Jason’s eyes bored into him the longest of all of them. Tim didn’t say anything, despite the discomfort of his intense gaze. He let his words hang in the air… he wanted Jason to feel them and know that they weren’t going to change.

Finally, Jason gave a half shrug, “It’s your decision. If you can live with it then so can I.”

Tim breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps they were getting somewhere after all.

* * *

Nanda Parbat, as far as secret bases went, was usually pretty desolate and hard to find from the outside. With the sonar vision in the Batwing to give them a peek inside the mountain base, though, they could usually get a good sense of what they were dropping into. Today, however, the sonar was reverberating off of the walls of empty hallways, the only movement coming from a small group of sentries completing another lap around their floor. 

“Well that’s not weird at all,” blurted Steph. “Where are all the ninjas?”

Dick squinted at the monitor. “Deeper in the base, I guess. Ra’s must have gathered them where our tech can’t reach.”

“You promised me ninjas. There’d better be ninjas.”

Cass placed a hand on top of Steph’s. “I’m sure there will be plenty of ninjas once we get inside.”

Jason balked at the girls. “Hey ladies, we’re only about to engage in a dangerous battle in the hopes of saving my boyfriend from a psycho. Don’t sound so eager, would you?”

Tim blinked at him from where he was buckled into his seat. “Boyfriend?”

“Oh, is it too soon to be putting labels on things?” asked Jason with his eyebrows quirked in way that warned Tim he was arguing a futile point. “I just figured I might as well since we all may all be dead in ten minutes.”

Tim couldn’t really argue with him there. “Alright,  _ Boyfriend _ . Just don’t start calling me babe or anything in the middle of a fight because I  _ will _ shoot you with your own gun.”

“Noted.”

Damian rolled his eyes. “Will you idiots please focus. Please— just for like, five minutes.”

“Oh, lighten up, Damian,” sighed Steph. “We’re focused.”

“Yeah, like a swarm of gnats. It’s no wonder Batman prefers to work alone.” grumbled Damian, strategically ignoring the evil-eye he got from Bruce.

“Alright,” Dick announced drawing everyone’s attention. “We’re heading into this blind as a bat.” He flashed a smile at Bruce while the rest of the group groaned. Despite his dislike of Dick’s puns, intentional or otherwise, it was still nice to have a little humor right before something this big. They might not be the best family, but they knew how to work together and ease the tension before a big mission. Tim thought that in the event that he didn’t make it out of this if this moment was going to be his last memory of them all together then it wasn’t a bad one to have.

“Remember your teams and tasks.” Dick continued. “Neither of these are optional. This base needs to be razed to the ground and everyone needs to be watching each other’s backs while we do it. We’re going up against an army. If we get separated, we’ll be outnumbered and then we’re all dead. Understood?”

They all nodded. 

Sitting at the controls, Alfred flicked the switch to drop the ramp. It lowered with a mechanical whine until the lip hit the ground. They descended one by one into the packed snow. 

Tim followed in Cass’s footprints as they head for the hidden entrance. He didn’t look back as the Batwing lifted off the ground, whipping snow up around them, and left them to their fate. 


	22. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys. I'm back! I thought I would be able to write this whole climactic scene in one chapter but I realized it would have been too long. So, here's the first half. I've been thinking about turning this fic into a podfic, but I truly hate the sound of my own voice. I feel like every other podfics on this site are read by people with the most amazing voices and here I would be, sounding like a 12 year old. I don't know, what do you guys think? Would this make a good podfic? It might never happen, because I doubt I could get any of my friends to volunteer to read for me. Sigh... yeah I don't know. It's now summer break and I don't start my summer job for awhile and I'm feeling adventurous in terms of fics and such. As always, I would love to hear your feedback on anything and everything!

_“When you turn to leave, he will use your name like a choke chain.”_ — “  Lessons On Loving a Prophet ”, Jeanann Verlee 

* * *

 

The whirl of the snow dropped away as Cass pulled the stone door shut behind them and with it so did the whistling whine of wind against Tim’s ears. Tim almost would have preferred the noise… anything to distract him from the fears he was barely holding at bay in the corner of his mind.

The hallway they’d entered into was deserted as they expected, having seen no visuals from the tech on the Batwing. By the time they reached the lower levels, though, they’d expected to have found a ninja or two, but the hallway ahead of them was empty. As were the ones after it.

Batman, who’d been leading the group around one corner and then the next, finally stopped and spoke quietly to them over his shoulder. “Ra’s has pulled all of his men back to the central chamber as we feared.”

“When we attack, we’ll have to be ready to give it our all.” said Dick, “We’ll be going up against his entire army… or close to that at any rate.”

“There’s still time to call Alfred back and blow up the chamber with the big guns on the Batwing,” said Jason.

“No,” Bruce grunted. “It’ll be too hard to guarantee that we hit the right target.”

Jason exhaled a long breath. “Alright then, I guess we’re all planning on dying the hard and painful way.”

Tim skimmed his knuckles across the back of Jason’s hand. Jason glanced down at their hands hanging next to each other and then pulled his gaze back up to Tim’s eyes.

Tim tried for a smile.

It was hard when the knots in his stomach left him feeling nothing but queasy with unease. “Not planning on dying on me so soon are you?”

Jason refused to make eye contact, instead he look out over the top of Tim’s head. “Not planning on it, particularly, but if I did…  What then?”

Tim swallowed thickly. It took everything in him to say the next words, but he said them anyway because he meant them this time. He’d learned his lesson and he didn’t plan on making the same mistake twice. “Then I’ll keep my promise to you this time.”

Jason’s eyes returned to him in a flash. The intense expression on Jason’s face fixed Tim to the spot. He was aware of the fact that he’d also drawn the eyes of his family members, though they said nothing to draw attention to themselves.

Tim squeezed Jason’s fingers tightly. “But don’t expect me to let you go gently into the sweet goodnight, or any of that bullshit.”

Jason gave a faint smirk. “Death would have to drag me kicking and screaming to get me to part from you.”

Tim smiled but his mood didn't lift. He longed for the time when every choice he made didn’t feel like an even bigger mistake than the one before it. It seemed like years ago when he could make a decision and know the outcome for certain… and know that it wouldn’t end in some kind of catch-22 situation.

Bruce coughed into his fist. “We should keep moving.”

They continued on.

When they rounded a torchlit corner and stumbled into the first guard they were all more than a little startled. Cass came from the side with a throat punch that never connected. The ninja sidestepped and caught her arm . He shoved her back towards the group.

The ninja didn’t follow the move with an attack. They stood warily together, hands hovering over a variety of weapons, nobody moving except to exchange confused glances.

“The Demon’s head wishes to speak with the one he calls ‘Detective’.”

Bruce stepped forward. “Tell Ra’s that I— ”

“He doesn’t mean you.”

 _Ouch_. Tim understood the meaning of the guard’s words and he knew that Ra’s meant to insult Bruce with it. Tim wondered quietly to himself what had caused Bruce to fall from the pedestal that Ra’s had once placed him on.

Tim’s hand moved from his bo staff to Bruce’s arm. Bruce turned to look at him.

“I can do this.”

There was a long pause before Bruce stepped back and to the side. Tim took his mentor’s place.

He raised his head to address the man standing before him.

“If Ra’s wishes to speak to me he’ll do it in the company of my family or not at all. It’s your choice. Risk angering your master if you’re feeling brave.”

The ninja didn’t hesitate before stepping to the side and extending his hand towards the set of closed double doors he’d once stood in front of. At least Tim knew he still held some lingering power around here… at least while he was still considered the Demon Head’s chosen one. Or play thing. Tim tried hard not to think about that.

Tim pulled open the double doors and forced his feet to keep moving and carry him towards the chair where Ra’s lounged like a king before his court. Tim’s muscles tensed at the sight of so many ninjas standing in formation on two sides of the room. He walked between the two columns of men, his family following a step behind him, stopping a few feet from Ra’s.

Ra’s smiled at the sight of them. “What’s this, Detective? Did you bring your whole family for an official goodbye?”

“I won’t be going anywhere with you, Ra’s.”

Ra’s’ smile widened. “Oh, Timothy, Timothy. That’s not how this game works, remember?”

"I'm putting a stop to this, Ra's," stated Bruce. “Tim has made his choice very clear and you’re either going to respect that or we’re going to make you in whatever way necessary. Either way, this ends tonight.”

Ra's laughed and sat forward in his chair. "Oh, _now_ you're putting a stop to it? _You_? Who sold him to me in the first place."

"That was a stratagem. Tim understood that the part he played was necessary— "

"You sold him. Tossed him to the wolves with such carelessness. Do not come here making demands of me now that you've realized the precious asset you stand to lose."

"Asset?" scoffed Dick. "He doesn't want a fucking asset. He wants his son back, you bastard."

“I’m afraid I can’t do that,” said Ra’s. “You see, Batman, you gave me a taste of the forbidden fruit. You can’t blame me for developing an appetite.”

Nausea rose violently in Tim’s throat and he stepped backwards so fast that his shoulder blade came up hard against Jason's chest. Jason reached out and steadied him with a hand on his arm. At Ra's words however, Jason didn't release his hold. Instead his grip tightened, fingers pressing into the bend of Tim's elbow hard enough that Tim swore Jason could feel his fear thumping through the veins that rested under his fingertips.

“You do realize,” said Damian, “That when you say creepy shit like that, other people can hear you. Right?”

“Damian,” Dick hissed under his breath.

“What?” Damian snapped. “We were all thinking it. How else is he going to learn if nobody—”

Dick elbowed Damian in the ribs. “ _Shut. Up_.”

Ra’s smiled venomously at the pair, but didn’t grace Damian’s comments with a response. When he turned his gaze back onto Tim, Ra’s’ expression seemed to ask, _this is who you would choose? This band of orphans and street rats, over the man who could give you the keys to world power?_  

“This is the last time I’m going to make this offer, Timothy. Join with me and I’ll spare your family and friends. They can walk out of here without a scratch on them.”

Tim swallowed thickly, the muscles in his neck so tight that he could feel them jump at the movement. “And if I say no?”

Ra’s eyes narrowed. “Then I’m going to make you watch as I cut every one of them down. And that one,” he stabbed a finger at Jason, “isn’t going to die before experiencing a lot of pain.”

“I’ve died twice already.” replied Jason. “A painful death doesn’t scare me.”

“Let’s see if you still think that after I bring you back and repeat the process a few times in new and creative ways. I’m sure Timothy wouldn’t care to see that again.”

Tim squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breathe evenly.

“Are you remembering what it was like, Detective? How he choked on his own blood as he struggled for breath. His dead eyes staring up at you. I’ve heard that death by anthrax poison is especially gruesome towards the end. The entire thing must have been horribly…   _traumatic_ for you.”

Tim’s eyelashes were wet when he opened his eyes to stare at him. “And you wonder why I can’t love you. You’re nothing but a fucking monster.”

“I am what you make me, Detective. But, whatever you think of me, remember this, I’m a man of my word. So think wisely before giving me your answer.”

Tim looked around at his family members. Every single one of them knew the risks of being in the vigilante business. On some level you have to be willing to walk into a fight with the knowledge that you might die there. He knew that they could die here today, but it still bothered him… the thought that because of him, an entire legacy might be wiped out all at once. Yes, there would still be Barbara and Kate and Alfred, but to have all of their hard work cut off in one final blow felt like the cruelest thing of all. Could he really live with the knowledge that he was responsible for everyone’s deaths except his own… because he knew that if they lost this fight, Ra’s wouldn’t give him the opportunity to kill himself. Tim would be trapped with his decision.

Tim met Ra’s’ gaze head on. “I made myself a promise a long time ago that if I was going to lose, I would do it on my own terms.”

Tim reached over his shoulder and pulled his bo staff from his back.

“So I choose my family.”

Ra’s nodded and out of the corner of his eye, Tim could see his family members reaching for concealed weapons. Damian’s sword sung as it was freed from its scabbard and held in a two-handed grip in front of him.

Under his breath Dick was issuing quiet orders. Tim only caught a fragment of them at the end. “ — eyes on Tim and Jason at all times.”

Ra’s raised his voice as he stood from his chair. “Anyone who brings the detective to me alive will be granted the greatest gift that I can offer to anyone. A second life on this earth.”

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” Tim hissed in time with Steph. _This fight was about to get a lot more intense._

Steph closed ranks on his left just as the columns of ninjas turned and charged them. For one horrible minute Tim and Jason were crushed in the center of a mass of bodies, their weapons uselessly pinned against their sides. The pair were jostled as their family members jabbed, kicked, and punched to gain some room to move to expand their small circle outwards.

Tim felt Jason’s hand grasp onto his wrist and he turned in time to see Jason angle his head before dragging him through the mass of bodies towards Dick. His older brother had his escrima sticks out and they got there just in time to watch Dick catch a ninja under the jaw with one, knocking him off his feet.

Jason charged past Dick into the space that had just been cleared and caught the next ninja that came at them with a knife in his gut. The man dropped like a rock.

Hands clutched at Tim from all sides. Tim spun with a vicious sweep of his staff that knocked all of them back, before taking on the group of three in front of him, trusting Jason to defend him from behind. It was difficult to use his staff while fighting back to back with Jason, his moves limited by the fact that the wrong one might injury Jason just as much as it injured his enemies.  

Someone, Tim thought it might have been Bruce, dropped a smoke bomb to give them cover. It had the unfortunate effect of aiding the fighters on both sides. A body erupted from the smoke and barreled into Tim from his far right.

Tim was slammed backwards into Jason, lifting the other boy off his feet. The trio hit the floor, the ninja’s hands locked onto Tim’s staff, pinning Tim underneath it. Tim released his staff with one hand and punched the man across the face twice in quick succession. It stunned him long enough for Tim to get a foot planted underneath him and flip them. They rolled until Tim was straddling the man’s waist, Jason shoving at the ninja’s shoulder to free his pinned legs.

A stranger’s hand fisted in Tim’s hair and yanked him backwards. Tim dropped his staff  with a scream and scrambled to free himself. The other ninja, whose chest he’d previously been straddling, started to move as Tim’s weight was lifted off him. Tim kicked at him, catching him in the shoulder and the the cheek. Jason punched the ninjas from behind, his fist landing a blow behind the man’s ear.

Tim’s fingernails were leaving blood scratches in the man’s hand as he tried to find the man’s thumb, hoping that if he broke it with a hard yank backwards, the man would release his grip on his hair. Jason beat him to it, twisting his body around on the ground to aim his gun and blasting a bullet into the ninja’s skull. Tim gasped as blood and brain matter splattered across his neck and back, but didn’t have time to freak out more than that as he was attacked from below.

Tim threw himself on top of the man who was trying to rise from under him and slammed his arm against the man’s windpipe.

“Knife!” he screamed, reaching towards Jason. Jason’s blood-slicked hand slapped something in his palm. Tim took it without looking at it and stabbed the ninja in the shoulder before twisting it.

Without even looking, Tim knew that Dick was standing behind him. He could hear every solid _thack_ as Dick’s escrima sticks made connect with flesh and bone.

Jason rose up onto his knees and reached to help Tim up.

“Come on,” he said, breathing hard. “We have to get on our—”  

Tim looked up at him.

He gasped and seized at his staff. “Jason—”

The man barely had time to lay hands on Jason before Cass was there, climbing up the man’s back in two strong strides before she could wrap her legs around the man’s neck and snap his neck with a sharp twist of her legs. She fell to the ground on top of him and shoved Jason and Tim to their feet.

She pointed to the path that Bruce, Steph, and Damian were working hard to keep clear.

“The command center.” She panted. “Go! Now!”

Before he knew it, Jason’s hand was on him again, tugging Tim fiercely towards safety. They ran full speed down a number of dark hallways, knowing that if they stopped to figure out where they were they would be set upon from behind again.

“Left! Jason go left here!” Oracle’s voice erupted loudly from their comms.

Running side by side with him, Tim caught a glimpse of Jason’s grin. “You’re a lifesaver, Babs.”

“Save that thank you until you can say it to me in person, alright? We’re still miles from the finish line.”

“Will do, Coach.”

Oracle directed them through the dark and empty corridors until they reached the locked doors of the command center. Tim pressed his face to the opaque glass and cupped his hands next to his head. Nothing stirred within the room.

Tim shifted over to the keypad and pulled a piece of his tech from one of the pockets of his bandolier.

“Still have that knife?” he asked over his shoulder.

“I think you left it in that guy’s shoulder.” replied Jason with a distracted glance over his shoulder to see if anyone was heading their way.

“Right,” Tim sighed and fished out a birdarang. He wedged the sharp edge of the blade in between the two panels and snapped it open with a hard whack of his palm. He connected the wires and let his tech do the decrypting, flashing through variations of codes before the keypad chimed and the lock on the door popped open.

  “Here,” Tim tossed Jason a USB drive as they entered the room. “There should be a main driver on that far wall that stores all of the league’s information. Plug that into one of the ports and I’ll start transferring the files onto it.”

Jason went to the far wall as Tim spun a chair around and sat in it. As he decrypted the login into the league’s server, Jason called out to him, “Weren’t you only in here, like, twice? How do you know where they keep everything?”

 _Yeah,_ thought Tim. _Once, at the very beginning. The second, to watch you die. Both times I wanted to be looking at anything other than what was right in front of me_.

“It’s similar to how I would set up my own command center if I were running a worldwide league of assassins.”

It was actually how Tim would have remodeled the batcave’s command center if given the chance. He hoped that didn’t reveal more about him than he was ready to admit. Tim had just finished pulling the files over to the drive when an explosion sounded in the distance. He watched the progress bar as it inched forward on the screen.

Dick’s voice came shaky and out of breath on their comms.

He was running.

“Ra’s— is heading your way guys—  Bruce and I are— in pursuit. _Shit_ —”

The line was quiet for a moment before Dick’s voice returned. “Others are holding back the ninjas for as — long as they can. Whatever you’re doing, do it faster.”

Tim looked at Jason and then the progress bar. Thirty-seven percent complete.

He placed his finger against his comm unit. “There’s no way we’ll be finished in time.”

“Then barricade the _fucking_ door!”

“Right,” Jason looked around him before pulling a filing cabinet onto its side with a bang. Tim ran to the doors and slammed them closed. He initiated the security lock code on the keypad and then ripped the entire thing out of the wall and severed the wires. Together they pushed the filing cabinet against the doors and stacked anything not bolted down on top of it.

“I just want to state that none of this would have happened if we’d just blown the place up like I suggested in the first place.” Jason wedged a desk chair against the pile.

“I’m beginning to see the logic in that.”

A sword blade punched through one of the glass doors above the handle. Tim stumbled back into Jason with a shaky, “ _Fuck_.”

Jason dragged him away from the door.

“The files.” he said. “Are they transferred?”

Tim ran over to the monitor. “Transferred!”

Jason yanked out the drive. “Alright, trash his tech. Now!”

Tim tossed Jason the drive with his own personally designed virus. As he implemented it, he was aware of the glass exploding inwards as Batman’s body was thrown through it. Jason planted himself between the door and Tim, his guns held in both hands, firing at any movement through the doorframe.

The virus was working its magic with every line of code.

The sound of glass crunching under boots had Tim turning in concern. Why wasn’t Jason firing? Tim stepped out from behind Jason’s tall form and could only stare at the sight in front of him. Bruce half risen onto his knees on the ground, and Dick arching perilously against the insistent pressure of Ra’s’ blade to his neck.

Ra’s, with blood dripping down the side of his face from a wound at his hairline, met his eyes from across the room. With a venomous smile, he asked, “Shall I start with this one, Timothy?”


	23. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Don't know if anyone is interested, but these are the songs I listened to while writing this chapter. Haha. Looking at it now I guess for the most part I was going for a southern gothic/ anything with a strong beat kind of feel. 
> 
> James N Commons-Glory  
> Fall Out Boy - Young and Menace  
> Black Math - Flesh and Bone  
> Thao and Mirah- Love is a Battlefield  
> Dishonored - Drunken Whaler

“ _I dreamt of love with no war. No crime in the mouth or on the hands. What a lifetime with you meant when death was not whining at the foot of the bed or scratching at the door_ ” — “ The Yard We Watered ”, Caitlyn Siehl.

* * *

 

“Ra’s,” Tim warned, taking a cautious step forward around Jason’s side.  He moved his eyes from Ra’s to Dick. His brother tried to meet his stare with a calming expressing, but jerked his head back with a hiss as the pressure on his neck increased. 

“Bastard,” he ground out through his teeth as his neck spasmed against the sharp edge of the blade.

Ra’s paid Dick no mind, his eyes still locked on Tim.

Tim stopped where he was, hands spread at his sides, suddenly feeling like he needed them to balance himself as everything around him took a sharp turn into hell. 

“I warned you that I’m a man of my word, Timothy.” Ra’s said.

_ They knew that they might die tonight _ , he reminded himself but that didn’t make him any more willing to stand by and watch this happen. He had to try. He had to do something.

“You don’t have to do this.”

“ _ Tim _ ,” Jason hissed, arms still raised, his gun locked on Ra’s. Tim knew without looking over his shoulder that Jason didn’t have a clear shot. Shooting through Dick to hit Ra’s wouldn’t even been a guarantee with the thick body armour of Dick’s suit. If it couldn’t pass through Dick’s suit, Jason would have put a bullet in Dick for nothing. 

“No,” Tim didn’t look at him, just extended a hand behind him. A silent request for patience. Everyone just needed to stay calm. Otherwise this would spiral into a bloodbath very quickly. 

“What do you think you’re going to gain from this?” 

Tim eyed Bruce out of the corner of his eye. He was sure Batman had a plan up his sleeve. That just left Tim with the question of why the  _ hell _ wasn’t he doing anything? 

“I believe I’m going to dispose of those who’d keep you from me. Once and for all.”

“And guarantee that I’ll despise you for the rest of my life.” said Tim.

Ra’s sighed. “Why do you feel the need to have this conversation over and over again, Detective? The answers won’t change. I find it so tiresome.”

Tim’s lips twitched upwards with the hint of a smile. “Honestly, me too. But it did give him a few more seconds.”

Tim pointed at the ground where Bruce was stretched out. 

Ra’s jerked his gaze down right as Bruce fired his taser gun, the electrodes shooting out and puncturing Ra’s in his side.

Tim lunged forward and nearly slammed into the pair. He wrapped his fingers around the blade of Ra’s’ sword and pulled it towards him. It was painful—  and a stupidly easy way to injure his hands, as Ra’s’ blade cut through the thin leather on the inside of his gloves, but it was the only way he could see to protect Dick’s neck from being sliced open as Ra’s’ muscles seized under the electric currents.  

  Dick was already moving, shoving at Ra’s’ elbow from his side, even as Ra’s started to collapse onto one knee, Dick buckling with him. Tim stabbed his teeth deep into his bottom lip and planted his boot against Ra’s’ side, using it as leverage to yank harder on the blade. Ra’s’ hold loosened all at once, and sent Dick and Tim crashing to the floor. 

Tim landed hard on his back. He hissed, hands cradled against his chest as he examined his bleeding palms. They would definitely need stitches. He could feel the blood as it made a squiggling trail down and around his wrists under the material of his gloves.

Above him, Ra’s dropped his sword, only to yank out the taser electrodes with a strangled cry. Tim stared up at him, trying to remind himself that this man was human, but it was hard to remember a fact like that when a taser to the chest barely seemed to affect him. Did he even feel anything? Ra’s took a moment to breathe hard, still hunched on one knee, before he regained his composure. His hand reached for his weapon again.

Jason fired two shots at the ground by the sword, but it didn’t seem to discourage Ra’s. He picked it up by the hilt and pushed to his feet, twisting the wrist of his sword hand like he was regaining feeling in it. 

“On your feet. Now!” Jason barked at his family, taking two quick steps forward and angling in front of them. 

Bruce had moved behind Dick and was hauling him to his feet.

More gunshots echoed off the walls of the room. Tim pushed himself off the ground. His palms left bloody half moons on the floor when he lifted them. 

The distinct snap sound as the magazine of Jason’s gun emptied itself of its last bullet, followed quickly by Jason’s strained, “ _ fuck _ ”. 

Tim didn’t even need to look. He threw himself sideways, coming to a skidding stop between Jason and Ra’s. Ra’s reined back, his sword poised to strike at the ready. 

Tim, breathing hard, reached behind him and twisted his fingers around one of the straps of Jason’s thigh holsters where it clipped to his utility belt. Jason tried to shift around Tim, to fight beside him, but Tim gave his strap a harsh tug. The rough material rubbed the gashes in his hands and Tim couldn’t help the aggressive hiss that erupted from his mouth. 

Jason paused in his movements, then stepped back behind Tim’s shorter form.

Tim grinned at Ra’s despite the pain and fatigue he was feeling. “You wouldn’t put a sword through me. Would you, Beloved?”

“I wouldn’t be so cocky if I were you,” said Ra’s, “After all, I have a Lazarus Pit just a few floor below us. If you get in the way and get killed for it, I could always bring you back.”

“I used up my get out of jail free card bringing Jason back, remember?”

“You think I don’t have an assassin willing to give away theirs to bring you back? I could have it done easily.”

Tim knew he wasn’t exaggerating, but he wasn’t deterred. “You won’t. Put me in the Lazarus Pit and I might not come back the same. You wouldn’t take that risk.”

Ra’s eyed him. “You’re right. I wouldn’t.”

Ra’s stooped and placed his sword on the ground in front of him. Before Tim could wonder what he was playing at, Ra’s was already moving quick as a snake. 

He grabbed Tim’s bo staff off the ground where Tim had abandoned it and swung it up and across his body. The effect was like taking a golf iron to the face. It caught Tim against his jaw and sent him crashing sideways into the wall. 

Tim hit the ground hard on his side and coughed blood onto the stone floor. He tried to rise to his feet but only made it as far as his knees before his head spun and ached something horrible. 

He heard more than saw what happened next in between his own wheezing breaths. 

Jason’s aborted cry as he tried to come to his aid, only to be met halfway by Ra’s. The pummeling fight that erupted between them that sent computers and keyboards crashing to the stone floor. A single Q key bounced across the floor and came to a spinning stop in between Tim’s splayed hands. Tim dripped blood onto the piece of plastic as he knelt there blinking at it. 

There were more sounds of shattering glass. Tim guessed it was the rest of the door being kicked in.

The scuffle of black clad feet moving in and out of Tim’s line of vision as Dick and Bruce turned to take on their new opponents. Someone in his family must have been standing guard over him, because no hands descended on Tim to drag him out of the room and lock him in a cell. 

He wasn’t stupid though. He knew that this reprieve wouldn’t last long. His family was counting on him to be able to get back on his feet and defend himself.So Tim breathed hard against the throbbing pain in his head and pushed himself onto his feet. He stumbled backwards until he could brace himself against the desk at his back. 

In front of him, his family were alternating attacks against Ra’s, each doing their best to fill the space made when the other was thrown to the side. The ninjas however, were an unwelcome distraction and therefore, it was Jason who took the brunt of Ra’s’ force, backed up against a wall, trading brutal blows to the face and gut. There was a thick trail of blood sliding down Jason’s upper lip from his broken nose. It mixed with his saliva so that when Jason snarled and jabbed at Ra’s’ eyes with his gloved fingers, he showed him his bloody smile. 

Ra’s threw off his hands and grabbed Jason by the hair.

“He may have chosen you,” He yanked Jason’s head back at a harsh angle and spat the words against his cheek, “but I’ll be damned if he’ll keep you!” 

Ra’s slammed Jason’s head into a computer screen. Once. Twice. Tim watched a crack form and widen in the dark glass, now stained with red, and then he was barreling into Ra’s from the side. 

Ra’s’ hands were ripped away from Jason’s head. Jason cried out as a chunk of hair was ripped from his scalp. 

Tim fell heavily on top of Ra’s’ chest and managed to pin one of his arms under his knee. He punched Ra’s in the face and was satisfied with the splatter of blood, but at this point he couldn’t tell if the blood was his own or Ra’s’. 

Suddenly he was back in that alleyway where this all started, hearing Jason tell him to aim for the areas that would get the most blood. Jason didn’t try to stop him now. Tim struck again, and again, until he was whaling on Ra’s, trying his damnedest to beat Ra’s’ face into a bloody pulp. 

Tim didn’t even realize Ra’s had managed to free his arm until suddenly his hands were wrapped around his throat. He had a strong grip. Tim could feel where his fingernails burrowed into his skin. In the end Bruce had to yank Tim backwards by the shoulders to pry him loose from Ra’s’ grip. His efforts earned Bruce a roundhouse kick to the face as a ninja slid into the empty space between Ra’s and Tim. 

Tim rolled sideways to avoid being used as a doormat. 

He found Jason with his eyes, slumped against a desk and looking like he’d just walked off the scene of a car crash. One side of his face was streaming a thick flow of blood from a nasty gash on his forehead. 

“Jason.”

Jason’s head lolled towards the sound of his voice. His eyes fluttered open and closed, blood catching on his eyelashes. He was a sitting duck… lying there, stunned and waiting to be picked off. 

Tim started to crawl towards him. Ra’s was moving too. A dagger in his hand. 

“No,”Tim grabbed for him as Ra’s tried to rise. He caught Ra’s shirt and let his body go limp, his dead weight dragging on Ra’s’ arm. “You bastard.  _ No _ .”

Ra’s shook him off with an aggressive hiss, but Tim grabbed for him again before he could fully pull away.

Ra’s turned on him so suddenly that Tim almost reared back. But there was nowhere for Tim to go. Ra’s latched onto Tim’s arm in kind and knocked him onto his back with a knee to Tim’s shoulder. His knee didn’t shift away afterwards, instead Ra’s pressed down with his full body weight, pinning Tim to the ground. In a horrific moment of clarity, Tim grasped for Ra’s’ leg all the while knowing that he’d never escape the joint lock fast enough.

With efficient and heartless speed Ra’s bent Tim’s arm back across his free leg. Over the background noises of knuckles and metal connecting with flesh, Tim heard the distinct popping sound of the tendons in his elbow tearing at the hyperextension and the sickening pain of his shoulder dislocating. 

Tim screamed, his back arching off the floor. 

Ra’s lowered himself over Tim’s panting form until his lips were touching Tim’s ear. Despite the intimacy of their positions, Ra’s voice was detached and cold.

“This is your last warning. Stay down.”   

Tim made a keening noise low in his throat as Ra’s released his arm. He curled up on his side and pulled his arm protectively against his chest, but the pain was still a heavy throb that radiated through his upper body. Tim pressed his cheek to the stone floor, trying to focus on anything else until it dulled. 

He found himself locked in a stare with Jason, visible through the empty space between Ra’s’ arm and his side. His cries must have brought Jason back to the here and now. 

It brought other’s too. 

Ra’s flinched backwards and collapsed on the floor a moment later. Tim didn’t understand it until he saw one of Robin’s birdarangs sticking out of his shoulder. 

Ra’s howled and tried to rise up, but Damian was already standing over Tim. 

“I warned you not to fuck with my family, Grandfather. This is what happens when you don’t listen.”

He kicked Ra’s in the shoulder, pushing the blade in deeper for good measure. 

Damian didn’t take the time to gloat. His hands were already shoving under Tim. “Get up, Drake. We’re making a run for the plane.”

Damian pulled Tim’s arm across his shoulders and they stumbling to their feet together. Cass cleared the way for them. 

“ _ Tim _ .” Jason and Steph had caught up with them in the hallway. Steph kept a firm hold on Jason before he went careening into Tim and Damian. 

Jason reached out and pulled Tim closer to him with a hand against the side of his face, hissing in pain as they knocked foreheads with each other. Still, Tim nuzzled Jason’s cheek with his nose. It was hard to be gentle when they were both so injured.

“I’m alright. We’re alright.” he breathed against Jason’s cheek. 

“Now’s really not the time, guys!” Steph glanced behind her at the rear of their little pack where Dick and Bruce were holding off their opponents. She managed to pull Jason back a few steps.  

“You can spoon each other on the flight home,” she panted under the weight of Jason’s larger form as she got them moving again. “And then maybe one of you can spoon me. This  constant almost dying trend we got going on is really not helping my anxiety problems.” 

Tim could feel the huff of Damian’s breath against his neck as he pulled Tim along behind the pair. He couldn’t tell if it was from laughter or exertion. “Yeah, sure. We all get out of thing alive and I’ll even let you be the little spoon. Just keep moving.”

“Deal.” Steph called over her shoulder.

They staggered on. 

 


	24. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN:I decided to break this up again into two chapters because I realized it would probably be super long if I continued on how I was going. This seems to be a recurring problem guys. Sorry.

_“You said love is a synonym for damage. I said our bodies are a synonym for light. You told me, this isn’t sex. And I said I know, it’s whatever’s left.”_ — Missed Connections with Lonely Boys, Meggie Royer.

* * *

 

The plane shook with the rumble of thunder in the night sky and Tim awoke in his bed with his shirt clinging to his back and an icy chill covering him from head to toe like a blanket. Tim blinked out his bedroom window, orienting himself to his true surroundings— not caught in a storm running from Ra’s al Ghul and his men once again, but home. Safe. Or as safe as couldn't be expected.

The horrible flight home through stormy dark skies was days behind them now, but Tim still felt it like it was only yesterday. He was never really aware of much that happened that night after his fight with Ra’s to be honest, just the fiery pain in his dislocated shoulder. What he remembered was fractured sensations, unbound by time. Jason’s warm unmoving arms bracketing him. Damian’s knife sliding against his skin as he cut off away the fabric of Tim’s gloves to expose his injured hands. Cass’s insistent voice in his ear urging them not to fall asleep. Not yet.

Tim shifted out of his damp bed and traded his sweat-soaked shirt for a dry one. He glanced back at the mess of his covers before stepping out into the hall, deciding it’d be easier to find another place to sleep than to remake his bed in the middle of the night.

The library was quiet, except for the low whistle of wind from the cracked corner panes of the old windows. Tim’s skin broke out in gooseflesh at the abrupt change in temperature. A low fire burned in the fireplace though, so the cold wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. Tim dragged the leather couch closer to it to bring him some warmth.

He was pulling the blanket down off the back of the couch when he felt a change in the air behind him. Tim twisted and found himself standing there with his hand clenched tight around the person’s neck before he could even register what he was doing. When he did, however, Tim became aware of his own constricted breathing and Jason standing in front of him.

“Nightmare?” Jason asked even though Tim’s grip of his neck was tight enough to make the word a croak.

He didn't try to break Tim’s grip. Nor did he look frightened, seemingly confident in the knowledge that Tim wouldn’t hurt him. Tim just wished he would remember that he _had_ hurt Jason, in more ways than one.

Jason touched his fingers lightly to the bones of Tim’s wrists.

“There was a storm… the plane crashed.”

Tim relaxed his grip into Jason’s warm fingers, remembering how Jason had done this once before in the car in Tibet. The way it took Jason ages before his fingers even touched Tim’s skin. So long that his anger and fear had time to cool, and eventually disappear, and he almost wanted to reach out for Jason himself. If only to feel him.

“ I didn’t expect to wake up,” he continued, “but when I did, everyone was gone. Everyone except him.”

Tim let his hand drop away all at once and went back to what he was doing.

Jason slid his hands around Tim’s back and pulled him against his chest. The blanket fell abandoned onto the couch cushions.

“Why didn’t you come to my room?”

Tim pressed his forehead hard against Jason’s breastbone and stared at the floor, trying to find the space to breathe freely.

He couldn’t.

Even standing safe in Jason’s arms he still felt like everything was too close for comfort, closing in on all sides to choke him. “I don’t know… we never really talked about ground rules for once it was all over and done with.”

Before and After.  

Tim felt the sharp line of that divide— where certain events and feelings in his life started and others stopped.  

Before the mission.

Before Ra’s.

After Jason told him that he loved him.

Before Jason’s death.

After Tim had lost his mind more than just a little bit.

They’d shoved their trust issues and private wounds into that hazy ‘after’ area to deal with later, and Tim believed that for the most part they never really expected to arrive there. But they were there now and Tim floundered in the face of how to address those issues.

“A part of me wasn’t sure if you’d want me to seek you out in the middle of the night,” he continued, “it felt like I was using you— to crawl into your bed after every bad nightmare without you doing the same. Another part of me wasn’t sure that I wanted to let that side of me win.”

“Win?” Asked Jason.

“The part of me that’s constantly screaming for me to kiss all of those bruises I’ve given you and make them better. That weak side of me that reminds me that it would be so much easier to say ‘I’m sorry. It’ll never happen again’ knowing that you love me enough to convince yourself that it's true—that you won't press the issue because you got me in the end so what does it matter anyway, right? And we’ll go on with our lives… sleep together, live together, fight together and all the time we’ll each be wondering: _Did he really mean it or was that just another lie?_ ”

_How do we go about making amends for such horrible betrayals?_

Tim wanted to ask Jason that same question he’d asked before Jason had walked out on him. _Do you really hate me so much for what I did?_ But he knew the answer would still be the same. Just like his own feelings on Jason’s actions hadn't changed.

Jason uttered a noise filled with fatigue and despair. “Yeah… I understand that feeling all too well. I don't want to hate you, Tim. I can’t and yet I do and it's fucking torture to want you and not want you all at the same time.”

Tim pressed his laughter into the newly damp fabric of Jason’s shirt and held him tighter.

“Torture. Yeah, that’s what this is.”

He pressed his cheek against Jason’s chest. “What are we going to do, Jason?”

Jason slid the collar of Tim’s shirt away from his shoulder and pressed a kiss to the patch of bare skin he found there. “Take it one day at a time, I guess. So for tonight? Let go back to bed. I'm fucking exhausted.”

Tim smiled and allowed Jason to tug  him over to the library’s couch. Tim leaned back against Jason’s chest and pulled the blanket up over them both. The fire was warm against their backs and it provided enough light that if Tim tilted his head up, he could still catch the online of Jason’s features in the orange glow. They didn’t talk to fill the silence. Instead, Jason tucked his chin into the crook of Tim’s neck and followed Tim into the quiet darkness of sleep.

* * *

 

One day at a time, it seemed, was asking too much of them and soon it was all they could do to take things one hour at a time. That sensation from before — of tiptoeing around the house and maintaining a safe distance, was gone—  but what replaced it almost felt worse. All of their tiptoeing had been for naught. The facade had cracked long before they’d drawn together in their final fight against Ra’s and now they’d returned home to find the broken pieces strewn about, each trying not to cut themselves on the jagged edges.

It seemed like the only words that left their mouths were apologies, and yet all of the apologies in the world weren’t enough.

Sometimes it was Tim who set Jason off and sometimes their roles reversed, but most of the time it presented itself in a horrible chain reaction of anger and injury that surged from one boy to the other. Like when Jason found the information that Tim and Damian had continued to compile on Gotham’s mercenaries for hire. Tim thought it had been bad when it was a private fight between the two of them, but then Jason had played dirty by bringing the information to Bruce— something that Tim hadn’t expected him to do in a million years. From there it had exploded into a civil war— their family breaking into factions. Damian and Cass— perhaps because on their own upbringings by mercenary families— backed Tim, agreeing that he had the right to do what he had to if it made him feel safe. While the rest of the family backed Jason’s mistrust of Gotham’s mercenaries and the likelihood that they could very well turn around and sell Tim to Ra’s if given a better offer. The ironic nature of Jason’s argument was not lost on Tim and he made sure to tell Jason exactly where he could shove his opinions on the subject.

* * *

 

Tim shoved upright in bed and doubled over trying to remind his lungs how to breathe. His fingers clutched tightly into the fabric of his t-shirt where it rested over his chest. Tears blurred his eyes and dripped onto his bedcovers.

He stared down at the dark blue fabric, seeing it but not seeing it.

The horrific images flashed before his eyes still—  in time with the bruising thump of his heart against the walls of his chest.

Tim heaved a breath. Jason spewed blood and something more onto his arms as Tim clutched him tightly against his chest.

He breathed out and pulled Jason’s drenched form out of Nyssa’s lazarus pit, knowing all the while that this wasn’t right. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

Another breath and Jason’s lifeless eyes stared up at him, the water running down the cold skin of his face like tears for the life he didn’t get back. A small dark voice in the back of Tim’s head whispered to him that it was okay, this was what Jason had wanted, after all.

Tim muffled his sobs with a first pressed against his mouth and curled inwards. “It isn’t real. It didn’t happen.”

He didn’t care if Jason hated him at the moment, or if they were currently having a fight. He knew he wouldn’t be able to calm himself down until he set his eyes on Jason breathing peacefully in his bed.

He tumbled out of his sheets and padded down the hall to Jason’s door.

“Jason?” He tried to smooth the roughness out of his voice as he stepped into the dark room.

Tim stared at Jason’s vacant bed for a moment, looking around like Jason was just out of sight, hiding by the window. He closed the door and walked to the library where they had spent the night together just a few days ago. The couch was back in it’s original place, the blanket folded neatly over its back.

Tim sucked in a shaky breath and sped up his pace until he was running down the hallways of the manor, slapping on lights and throwing open doors.

Tim was skidding around a corner in the kitchen, heading for the cave stairs when he caught sight of the garden lights on out of the corner of his eye. Motion sensored, he remembered all at once.

Tim threw open the french doors and stood gasping in the frosty midnight cold.

Jason turned around to face him and took a drag from the cigarette he held to his lips with a quavering hand. The tear tracks on his cheeks glistened under the outdoor lightning.

Tim threw himself against him and Jason rocked back on his heels with the blow, his arms coming up to wrap around him almost as an afterthought.

“You died,” The words came out as a wet sob against Jason’s breast. “You… _died_.”

Bruce had warned him long ago… back when Tim was still Robin, that sometimes after a tragedy you might think you’re fine and then all at once, when you’re least expecting it, the reality will just _hit you_ . Tim had thought it had hit him a long ago, but now he realized _this_ was the moment.

Jason pressed an equally wet kiss to the side of Tim’s forehead. “I know I did, honey.”

Tim felt Jason shake his head— a dark memory being shoved back to a far corner of Jason’s head, waiting for the time when it could push forward again behind his closed eyes. Except, it didn’t quite work. Halfway through the motion a choked breath slipped past Jason’s lips and before either of them knew it, Jason was turning away from him, his hands pressed hard against his wet eyes.

“I’d forgotten what it felt like… all alone in that cold darkness…” Jason turned back on him suddenly, full of undirected anger. “Fuck, Tim. Look at us! How are we supposed to be together and handle each other’s messes when we can’t even handle our own?”

 Tim gave a disparaging laugh and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “I honestly have no idea. It’s almost impossible for me to think outside of my own problems right now.... I’m sorry if that sounds cruel or selfish, or whatever…”

Jason wiped the wetness from his cheeks. “Don’t worry about it. I think we’ve earned the right to be a little selfish now and then.”

Tim stared at Jason in all his worn down glory, teary-eyed and shivering in the frosty dark. And he loved him, he couldn’t deny that. It felt like they were floating together through space, with no sounds except their breaths loud in their own ears, frosting the air in front of their faces.

All at once Tim shifted forward and wrapped his fingers around the back of Jason’s neck, pulling him down into a desperate kiss. Jason’s hands threaded tight into Tim’s hair and held the kiss until they were forced to pull back gasping.

Tim focused on Jason’s eyes, their lips still a breath apart from each other. “Tonight, if you want to, I’d like to try not to be selfish. I’d like to show you how much I love you.”

Jason captured his lips in another kiss and breathed him in; the tears, the sweat, the scent of his shampoo. Tim couldn’t fathom what he liked about him in that moment, but Jason smiled.

“You sure?”

The most Tim could manage was a shaky nod, though Jason wasn’t looking so strong and stable himself at the moment. “C'mon. It's cold out here.”


	25. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's finally happened guys. It's the last chapter. I want to thank all of you who've stuck with this story through to the end. Tell me what you think of Tim and Jason's whole adventure! Don't know what I'm going to do with myself now that this story is over and done with...

“When does a war end? When can I say your name and have it mean only your name and not what you left behind?” — Ocean Vuong

* * *

 

Things stayed murky between them after that night. Their anger had subdued, and though they no longer fought with each other they also didn’t work to strengthen their relationship. Instead they existed in some on-again-off-again cycle, coming together in bed late at night when the urge to fuck or hold each other was the strongest, and afterwards turning their thoughts back inwards.

Their family tried to be supportive— self help could be a long and hard battle, after all—  but Tim could tell that they worried that their relationship was unhealthy. Under any normal circumstances, Tim would have agreed with them.

On one such a night Tim found his way into Jason’s bedroom blocked by the other boy’s tall form.

“Another nightmare?”

“C’mon, you know it is.”

Tim tried to shove past him, but Jason merely leaned his hip against the doorframe and cut off his path. Tim shoved his bangs out of his eyes. He needed to get a haircut, but he hadn’t had time with so many other issues on his mind.

“What are you doing?”

Jason jerked his head back down the hall. “Go to Bruce.”

Tim laughed, “What? Are you ratting on me again?”

Jason didn’t meet his eyes, not out of fear but perhaps… boredom? Like this was all a game that he had outgrown. Despite all of the shit that they endured together, Tim still couldn’t get a read on his thoughts.

“This isn’t meant to be a punishment, Tim. I thought you said you were going to try to work on your relationship with him.”

“When did I say that?”

Jason picked at the worn out elbow of his thermal shirt, pulling off the small pills of thread he found there. “Oh I don’t know. A few days ago. Somewhere in between fucking me and falling asleep. You were uncharacteristically talkative that night.”

“Oh _fuck you_!” Tim growled, struggling to keep his voice down,  “You have no idea what I’m going through right now—”

“Then tell me.” Jason’s voice was little more than a fierce whisper. “How am I supposed to feel for you if you don’t tell me what’s going on with you? I mean _shit_ Tim! I _constantly_ feel like I can’t trust you anymore and I don’t know how to fix it. Trust comes from honesty— from talking about our feelings. With _both_ of us talking about our feelings.”

“Really Jason? Cause I don’t see you emptying your heart out to me every chance you get.”

It was a low blow. Tim regretted saying it instantly but the words had already been said and now Tim knew he was going to get Jason’s biting honestly.

“Fine. You want to know how I’m feeling? Every night that you come here looking for a quick fuck makes me feel like I’m back in my apartment fucking a stranger.”

Jason’s words cut into Tim like a razor. _A stranger_ , he thought. Had he really pushed Jason so far away from him for him to call Tim that?

Jason looked him up and down. “Whoever this you is that grips my hair too tight during sex and lays in the sheets next to me at night without saying a word, I don’t know him. He doesn’t match up with the you who used to kiss my neck and whisper my name between kisses. You talk to me so little now that I feel like we never knew each other. It makes me feel like you don’t want a relationship with me.”

It didn’t feel true, but Tim understood that he was guilty of this. Some part of him was hoping that Jason loved him enough to let Tim take the parts of Jason that he wanted. Now Tim was realizing Jason loved him enough to say ‘Take it all or take nothing.’

He reached out to cup Jason’s face. “That’s not…My thoughts are dark and depressing and not likely to help anyone that hears them. I do want this relationship to work.”

Jason closed his eyes and pressed his cheek into Tim’s hand for a minute. He seemed to savor Tim’s affection like he’d been starved of it for far too long.

Finally Jason opened his eyes and said, “I know we’ve both been a bit… vacant recently. But we need to at least try to mend some bridges or else why are we even bothering staying together?”

Tim burrowed his teeth into his bottom lip and nodded at the floor. “Okay.”

He let his hand fall to his side and walked silently back to his room. That night he wrapped himself back up in his damp, sweat stained bedsheets. The moon was full and bright through Tim’s window. He stared up at it and went another night without rest.

* * *

 

He found Jason in the library at one of the large tables under the windows. He’d brought the league files Talia had given him when he moved back into the manor. They were spread out before him now.

Tim struggled to keep his eyes on the top of Jason’s head where it was bent over his notepad. He didn’t need more information on Ra’s or the league to fuel his paranoia further.  

He took a deep breath before his spoke.

“Sometimes, you get this look in your eyes… this distant and almost painful look that I can never pin down, and just for a second, I see my mother’s eyes staring back at me.”

Jason tensed over his notepad, unsure if he should glance up. “What are you doing, Tim?”

“Just let me finish,” urged Tim.

“I can’t say that my mother was ever around enough for me to really understand her, let alone truly love her. But sometimes you get that same look and it reminds me of her. It’s about the only time I think of my mother and feel true sympathy for her.”

Finally, Jason pulled his gaze up to meet Tim’s eyes. “What was that about?”

“I’m telling you the truth… _a truth_. To match the one that you told me the other night. And if you ask me tomorrow, I’ll tell you another.”

Jason’s lips tilted up into a soft smile.

Despite the spark that that ignited inside of Tim’s chest, he pushed on until the end.

“I won’t lie to you, Jason, and make false promises for our future. For now the only promise I can make is to match a truth for a truth until the day comes when there are no secret thoughts left between us.”

Jason reached across the table to twine his fingers with Tim’s. “Thank you.”

* * *

 

The leaves skittered across the road as Tim walked side by side with Bruce, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his coat to protect them from the cold air. Already they had walked for more than five minutes, leaving the imposing facade of Wayne Manor to fall away behind the large oak trees.

Bruce looked at him like he was intent of speaking up. His eyes dropped to the road stretching out ahead of them. He adjusted the scarf wrapped around his neck and spoke so suddenly that Tim knew it was a forced effort on the older man’s part.

“How’ve you— I mean… I’ve been seeing you and Jason together more. It seems like things are improving between you two.”

Tim’s lips twitched. “I think so. We’re taking the time to fix things but it’s slow going.”

“I was surprised when you asked if I’d like to take a walk with you today.” said Bruce. “You haven’t exactly been seeking out my company as of late.”

“That’s because every time I turn a corner in the manor you’re there offering it to me.” Tim grunted.

Tim glanced sideways at Bruce as he shrugged his shoulders. “Well I didn’t want to make the assumption that you didn’t need it. I’m trying to make amends too, Tim. I want you to feel like you can come to me.”

Tim sighed and pulled at hand free of his coat to rub at his brow. “Yeah, I know and I’m trying to get to the point where I feel safe coming to you instead of Jason. Maybe we’ll get there eventually, but you have to understand that you may never be able to support me emotionally like Jason can.”

Without realizing it, they had both stopped walking and stood facing each other on the side of the road. A cold breeze swept in between them, trailing dead leaves around their ankles.

Bruce squeezed Tim’s elbow. “I would never try to replace Jason, Tim. I just don’t want to lose you because of my past actions.”

Tim nodded, eyes on Bruce’s hand where it rested on his arm. He tried to remember the last time that he’d had a conversation like this with Bruce. One devoid of mission debriefings and words like self help and therapy. Back when it didn’t feel like Bruce was trying to phone it in until he could shove Tim off on the nearest medical professional.

Tim stepped in closer until he could lean his head against Bruce’s chest. Bruce’s arms came around him slowly, but the heat they offered was just as warm as Tim remembered it.

“You won’t lose me. I swear.”

It felt strange and comforting to have so many people close to him. The past week had seen Tim and Jason trading truths both big and small. Little things like Jason reminding Tim that he loved him and Tim echoing it without hesitation. And bigger truths like Tim telling Jason how he was sometimes afraid of the way that he loved Jason more than he’d loved Conner. Of how Tim felt hollowed by Jason’s death on such a grander scale. That same night, wrapped up in each other’s arms in the dark, Jason told Tim about one of his recurring nightmares. Their truths were fears, loves, dreams, and opinions. Slowly Tim felt their walls coming down brick by brick. With each one that came down Tim and Jason struggled to allow other members into their inner circle of trust.

It was slow, but it was a start.  

 

_~~~ Fin ~~~_


End file.
